overwhelmed with step children and no alone time with SO

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I don't even really know where to start with this post. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now (plans of marriage in the future). He has 2 sons from a marriage. Still legally married, still going through the divorce right now. They have been separated for 4-5 years now.

To start out, he has the kids almost full time. She comes up from her state randomly, basically whenever there is a court date or other court-appointed meeting with whomever. This means that the kids are ALWAYS with us. The last time me and bf have had alone time together was 6 weeks ago, and he was sick the entire time. He will not find someone to watch the kids so we can get out (or stay in) alone together. This is really getting to me, all parents need time alone with their SO, let alone a "step parent."

On top of this, he expected me to just watch the kids for the first 2 1/2 weeks of summer vacation without even making sure I would be willing to do it. He had no other plans, just me. It has made me do a lot of thinking. He just expects me to watch the kids while he is at work from June 14th -June 28th. I don't know if he has ever spent 14 straight days with his own kids without getting a break (going to work, having someone else watch them, etc.) and he just expected me to do it no problem because I was available. It made me realize just how much he cares about not spending any money at any time for someone to watch the kids, whether it is so I don't have to, or so we can have some alone time together.

Their mother will be here the 28th of June (there's a court date on the 29th, go figure. She only cares to come see her kids and can't come more than a day before the court date) and will be here until the 8th (guess what? The one sons birthday is the 7th and probably the only reason she is staying that long, but yet wants full custody of the kids).

I was expected to watch them again after that while she was gone, but I put my foot down last night and told him I will not do it. There is another court date on July 17th (and she will probably make her way back up on the 16th) still hasn't said one way or the other. Still don't know how long she plans on staying either. Think she expects to be able to take them back with her to her state after that, but don't know exactly what is going to happen.

So even though there are going to be two 1-week periods where the kids with be with their mother this summer, most of that week will be spent making up time at work, going to the court dates, seeing the kids on the birthday, and 4th of July, etc. So it still doesn't seem like much of a "break" from the kids. Can't plan ahead for a weekend getaway alone, because don't know what is going on, when she is staying/leaving, what is happening after the 2nd court date, etc. And he just made a dentist appointment for one of the kids on Aug 28th. They go back to school a week later, the day after labor day. So even if she does take them, the kids will be back that week, and I will probably be expected to take care of them that week too (not going to).

I have no problem with the kids, I just want some alone time with my bf to connect as partners. It is necessary for a healthy relationship. But I see his views are going in the opposite direction, whether he recognizes it or not.

... "Not only am I not going to try to get alone time with her, but now I am going to take away her alone time from all of us and get her to watch the kids for me so I don't have to spend money on childcare." that't what it feels like.

I am glad to know I am not

I am glad to know I am not the only one who has been in this situation. It makes me feel better to know I am not being selfish by saying no. He has made me feel bad in the past for saying no, saying that if I am not willing to be partially responsible and taking care of the kids occasionally, that that must mean I would do the same thing for my own future kids. And made it seem like I was a shitty person for not wanting to be constant/primary caregiver when I don't work out of the home anyway.

I never realized how unfair that was and that I do not have to watch the kids whenever he needs someone to watch them. If they were my own kids, I would watch them more often. I would still want days where they were with a babysitter though, so I can work, get out, run errands etc. He made it seem that since I wouldn't watch his kids, that that must mean that I don't care about them, don't really want to be a step parent, etc.

I don't really have any friends, I have always had social anxiety and getting to know someone and being able to be open with people takes a lot of time and work, and noone has had the patience to deal with that when getting to know me. I don't have other people to do things with, and I don't want to do things alone either. Even if I did though, I would still want some alone time with him.

If your partner doesn't

If your partner doesn't understand the fact that there is a MASSIVE difference between looking after your own kids and looking after someone else's kids then I would think about getting out of this relationship.

My DH understands that I have not and will never enjoy time with the skids - it's something I choose to suffer through so I can be with him. And while I do help out in school holidays etc because I can work from home easily enough, it's not an expectation that I do, nor is there any criticism if I don't.

It's normal to have misaligned expectations on this sort of stuff - DH and I certainly did in the beginning. What's important is that you work through them (via counselling if needs be). Your partner needs a reality check on the difference between parenting bio kids and step-kids!

I know exactly how you feel!

I know exactly how you feel! I have been married 10 years and raising his 3 kids by myself. He works 12-14 hrs a day and I get stuck with all the responsibility and no authority.

Where did I say I wanted to

Where did I say I wanted to live a no kid lifestyle? I said I have no problem with them being with him almost full time, and I said I have no problem watching them from time to time. The only thing I said was that I want some alone time, and that 1-2 days a month that are planned is all I want?

I love kids, and want kids of

I love kids, and want kids of my own too. I don't want to be child-free.

how long has it been since you guys had a date night?

..what qualifies as a date night? staying in and doing the same things we usually do? The last time she was up here with the kids, Easter.

and before that time how long was the gap?

... The time she was up here before then, maybe 3-4 weeks. The time before that, 2 weeks. before that, 5 weeks. before that was 5 weeks. Before that? 5 months maybe? But on all those times, we never really did much out of the house besides going to stores and looking around. I am not really into going out to restaurants to eat, I much prefer just being outside, doing outdoor activities.

how many over night kid free trips have you been on?

... trips, out of the apartment, without the kids? never. he never has reliable care for the kids except for when he is busy with court stuff since August. Last summer the kids were with his parents in another state for a few weeks, but he didn't have the time or money to go anywhere even just for a night.

Holy crap on a cracker!!!

Holy crap on a cracker!!! :O

July 2015 the kids were with

July 2015 the kids were with their mother for the month out of state, that is when we met. When she brought them back in August, she was still supposed to take care of them both until they went back to school, and have them every Sunday. that didn't work out as planned. She would always come up with some excuse why she couldn't take them. It then went to she was supposed to take them every other weekend from sat afternoon til Sunday night, that didn't work either. Then last June, she decided she didn't want to live in this state anymore and went back to her family's state to live there.

Emma, he is still married and

Emma, he is still married and has been dragging his feet in the divorce.

YOU want your own biological children. How long are you going to wait for this man to be legally free? Or perhaps you plan to get pregnant while he's still legally tied to his wife??

there are also plenty more

there are also plenty more that have family/hire a babysitter, etc. so they can get some alone time, dates, short weekend trips away. Just because you want time alone from your kids (and step kids) does not mean that you don't love your kids and want them around.

He says he would like to have time alone, he just never follows through.

I know you can't just leave

I know you can't just leave your kids with anyone, and I would never want to leave my kids (or suggest he leave his kids) overnight with anyone other than family at their age. I am not mad about that only being a possibility in the summers (once custody and everything else is worked out) when they are with their mother, or he wants them to spend time with his family.

This summer is just very hard, because there is no guarantees of when they will have reliable care with someone other than my SO. He doesn't want to let her take them with her out of state because she has mental issues, physical issues that make driving a real danger (she has issues with pain/numbness in her legs from time to time) and he knows she won't just not drive with them in the vehicle with her when they are hundreds of miles away.

I know that is a possibility,

I know that is a possibility, and hopefully the weeks she can have them will be set by the court, and not just any 3 weeks that she wants them and she can decide the day before she wants to have them. At least then, the rest of the summer he can make other plans (know which weeks to have them in daycare, which weeks they can spend with their grandparents). That way, he can prepare ahead of time, and plan summer alone time for a large portion of the summer.

It would suck if the court gave her most of the summers, and then she decided she didn't want them the full time, kept pushing off when she wanted them. That would lead to another summer like this one, not knowing until a few days beforehand if/when she will have them.

I would almost rather her only get 2 weeks per summer and that is it. That way, the rest of the summer can be fully planned ahead of time, and only have to deal with those 2 weeks if she backs out.

Yes, I get that, and that was

Yes, I get that, and that was what I was trying to point out/explain. If she can only have them for July, and can't have them in August, then he/we can plan ahead for August. Put them in daycare for a couple weeks, have them visit their grandparents for a week or 2. That would mean that he/we could plan that we will definitely have 1 week a summer without the kids. More if she does actually take them (and then possibly not visit the grandparents alone for that one week, and instead make it a "family vacation."

He will have to make last minute plans for that month of July if she says she won't be coming (or worse, keeps pushing back the date). But that is a lot better than the entire summer of not knowing what is going on and when, and end up taking it week by week for the entire summer.

Emma when you date/hook up

Emma

when you date/hook up with/marry a man OR women with kids YOU give up the natural order of things.

Courtship, engagement, marriage, children. You know that 'old fashion stuff'---even you may long for.

Your life as you know it appears to be only about his kids. Baby sitting his kids, feeding his kids, going to dental appointments for his kids, court dates...re read what you wrote above.

Hard truth is if you want the natural order of marriage...you must find someone who does NOT have kids. IF you decide to stay with your boyfriend you must then accept life for how it is NOT how you day dream it should be.

It's not fair for you to expect him to re-write life.

After the child goes to bed...order in a pizza or Chinese food. Eat right out of the boxes on the lv floor---pop in a movie, light candles and sip wine. EASY PEZY

Some of my sweetest memories was with my DH and I doing just that. Kids sleeping in their beds. Those were our dates early in our marriage---and believe me we barely had enough money to give out 5 bucks in a tip.

I would not want to change a thing about those moments of ALONE TIME with my husband.

I should not have to provide

I should not have to provide 100% or even 50% of childcare for the kids when they are not in school, and not willing to do so does not mean I should not be with someone with kids. I have no problem with them being around, watching them from time to time, etc. There are also a lot of biological parents that have family watch their kids/hire a babysitter so that they can get out alone on dates, etc. a couple times a month. He says he would like to be able to do that, he just never follows through unless it is because their mother has them.

You don't have to watch his

You don't have to watch his kids. And No, you're not acting selfish just because you're not interested in being his summer nanny.
Start getting busy and making plans. This is not your problem.

If he can't do date nights when the kids are there that's perhaps another issue. You can't force him and shouldn't guilt him into spending time w/ you at the exclusion of the kids. But you do you on your time.

Btw I'm a mother to two beautiful kids now and I still find it better to watch my own damn kids than to be forced to watch my stepkid. And when I don't want to watch my kids I put them in daycare, and I don't feel guilty about it!

PS Emma THIS is a problem you

PS Emma THIS is a problem you should not over look
YOU wrote:
Still legally married, still going through the divorce right now. They have been separated for 4-5 years now.

Sorry but no one is separated for 4 to 5 years..(wait I know someone who pretends to be seperated but that is a front for free gvt money)....Go find your own place, stop giving your boyfriend free day care and find a man without kids.

JMO of course

Huge red flag to me too. I

Huge red flag to me too.

I will admit that I wasn't super speedy in filing for divorce from my first husband. It happened when we were living across the country. So, between selling a home, buying a new home, starting a new job and moving over 3k miles with all my stuff, the final "paperwork" wasn't a big priority. We didn't have kids so no other legal wrangling.

I believe it may have been 2 or 3 years before I actually filed (I think we were waiting for the other to pay for it too..lol). It all happened fairly quickly at that point. (no kids not a big delay). So I can see not rushing it to some extent, but you have been with this guy for TWO years. Certainly in the two years he would have gotten it straight!

He hasn't for some underlying reason.. and it is a barrier to you ever getting married.

See my other comment, but

See my other comment, but some of your reasons are similar to his: march 2016 she said she was filing, but he never received the paperwork, so she probably never filed. September she took the kids out of school and out of state without even telling him, so he got an emergency custody order and divorce was filed at that time. The divorce is taking a long time.

procrastinating and free

procrastinating and free healthcare (she is medically retired from Army, he is fully 100% covered for his treatments every 6 weeks under her healthcare).... To save money at first, then it just became procrastination.

I'm sorry....but I was

I'm sorry....but I was separated but legally married for almost 4 years! And VERY UNWILLINGLY!! So just because you don't personally know someone who was in that situation (and WHY) gives you no right to insinuate that she is 'lying'. She came here for help, show some respect.