I don't want to feel this way...
Happy monday everyone! I just want to say that I appreciate all your messages and words of advice on my previous post.
Just a brief background -- I am married to my high school sweetheart, both on our second marriages. I have 2 kids from my first marriage 12 and 10 - he has a 7 year old from a prior relationship. At first things were a nightmare, we fought mainly over his child. He was used to being an only child and is extremely whiney and a handful. My DH was always so protective over him and it was just a battle whenever he was over to visit.
Fast forward 2 years. We are currently TTC and plan on moving out of state in the next 5 years or so. His child and my son have created a tight bond. His son looks identical to his mother - and for some (immature) reason it makes me nuts. I have not made a connection to this child, and honestly do not want to. He is why DH and I have had some of the worst battles known. DH has done a complete 360 and treats my children as if they were his own. He recently said to me "i am raising your kids, and you don't even speak to mine." He is right. When his son comes over every other weekend and I literally say "hi" and "bye" to him. That is it. It is to the point that I dread those weekends - and it is so wrong. My DH has him every other weekend day visits -- on Saturday he works until 2 - and then takes his son for a couple of hours until 6-7 and then comes home to me. We live about 30 min from his son so it doesn't make sense to travel back and forth so when he gets out of work he takes him out for a couple of hours and then drops him off. Sundays - I am trying to make family days. We take all the kids out together -- as my kids live with me, but every other weekend they go with their dad. So off weekends its just DH and I and then we have the kids on same schedule.
Why do I get this knot and sickness in my stomach when it comes to "kids" weekends. It is wrong, I totally understand that. I can't help it. I am hoping someone can offer some advice or encouraging words so I can stop dreading these weekends and actually be happy about life.
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"When I reconnected with him
"When I reconnected with him they had the type of relationship where he had the child 5 days a week, and still paid her child support WELL over the guidelines. He never wanted to go to court to finalize anything and just kept her "at bay" so she wouldn't go crazy etc. When I came along that all changed. he was spending time with me, and didn't see his son all that often. He moved in with me and my children. When his son would visit it was complete tension. He was beyond over protective of his son and was constantly screaming at me and my kids to be quiet if his son was sleeping, or any little issue was turned into a crisis when his son was there. It was horrible. It is now over a year later, and he has realized his mistakes - and now apologizes and knows he was wrong. His son now visits every other weekend. However, it is still tension with us. We are trying to have a baby, and going thru a lot of infertility treatments. I can admit that I am very bitter that his son's mom just "lies" and gets pregnant - and I am dealing with hell. On top of it, if my husband has a bad day or whatnot, he brings everything up to do with his child. His guilt he takes out on me. Side note -- his child's mother would call/text daily my husband - even though she is engaged. His son is identical to his mother, spitting image. her and I do NOT get along."
And another one loses his father to the new stepkids. *SMH* Why is it SM's kids come as a package deal even though they are not biologically DH's...but Dh's own biological child is an intruder, a bothersome nuisance and is booted out and lucky is allowed a few hours a couple weekends a month?
Poor kid.
Sophie, The best thing you
Sophie,
The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to get your butt into therapy with DH. Just as your kids come first, you have to accept that his son will come first and there are going to be times when that is hard. Life is a give and take kind of thing with a wax and a wane to it, so to expect that 1 person (you) be the most important thing in DH's life and SS be the most important thing in his life, is just setting up for failure. You both can be important, and sometimes that priority is going to shift around, sometimes you'll be more important, sometimes SS will be more important. Step-life is full of these little "priority" wars but we are adults, our skids (with the exception of those who are fully grown) when they are small do not have the latitude to compromise like we do as adults.
You need to remember that SS didn't ask to exist, he didn't ask to look like BM and he didn't ask to have parents who are split. Therefore he didn't ask for you just as much as you didn't ask for him. Show him how to cope with that situation. You of all people are in the best position to empathize with his position in life. Treat him like you would hope someone would treat you.
You and SS are going through the same thing, just on different sides of the coin.