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Sd moves in today!!

Taris's picture

Submitted by Taris on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:01am

So after much whining and crying from dh, sd signed a lease and today she is moving into her new apartment. We found one that is 20 minutes from the community college she will enroll in and 15 minutes from us. She just has her clothes so we are going to hit up yard sales and thrift stores this weekend and look for furniture. She did buy a bedroom suit from rooms to go and that gets delivered tomorrow. Dh is being a big old baby huffing and puffing saying no one listens to what he wants but he will get over it. Thank you to everyone who offered up advice. I sat with sd while she told her daddddddddyyyyyyyyy what she wanted to do and hushed him when he tried to talk her out of it. I am so relieved.

Comments

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:04am

I wish I had a SD like yours..... now that's a girl I would help like a mother would.

DH puffing no one listens to what he wants - I would've said, but it's not your effing life, grow up.

Glad it all worked out for you, but it seems like you did not have the standard SD, you have a pissy husband

Taris's picture

Submitted by Taris on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:06am

She seems very open to me so I am reaching my toe in the waters. I am way to young to be a grandma but then again, new babies are wonderful. I just don't want to get hurt.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:09am

humm.. SD is not your daughter thus you can not be Granma... sorry

treat the kids like you would any other family member like a cousin or what ever. Remember regardless how much you help, SD and her baby will never be your family, accept it and life will be great

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:12am

That was close!

I think this is best for your SD, to live on her own, while having a support system nearby.

I think it's best for your husband, also (not to mention you and your marriage). It's so easy to create a co-dependent relationship in situations like this and that would not be good for either of them.

Taris's picture

Submitted by Taris on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:14am

I am relieved. It wasn't so much sd as it was dh and how he was behaving towards her. I don't think I could have lived like that. WHEW!!!

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:21am

SD is 19, studies in GErmany, the boyfriend told her to abort , SD returned to State, DH wanted SD to live with them, Op's 2 son's to share a room and SD to have a room and baby to have a room in the house...

SD lived there for maybe 2 weeks, OP's sons got screamed at baby DH and not allowed to make coffee cause it makes SD sick..

SD inherited 250KUSD from her mother and wants to live on her own, DH refused... SD eventually did move out now on her own, DH is sulking

Taris's picture

Submitted by Taris on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:23am

She inherited $250,000 when her mom died and I can honestly say that she has been really responsible with it. She is on dhs health insurance and she has or had scholarships for school. I don't know if she still has them or if they were school specific.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:27am

Good for SD. I hope she's not bottom level. Daddy will over there peeking in the windows to see if she's surviving on her own. He'll be looking for the slightest tiny sign she neeeeeeds him.

Geez, I'm surprised he let her go off to college.

The next thing will be when Baby is born. You'll have to help SD stay strong or Grandpa will be sitting on her doorstep just in case he's needed.

Taris's picture

Submitted by Taris on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 8:38am

She is bottom level. She didn't want to carry a baby and groceries up the stairs. I'm hoping that dh will chill and this is just excitement for the baby.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 9:30am

This is good news! I agree with Acra, don't throw all of yourself in and take on the grandmother role. If anything, just be a dependable source of emotional support. Not a doormat, but a friend. It sounds like you're proceeding with caution already, so that's wise.

Icansorelate's picture

Submitted by Icansorelate on Wed, 03/01/2017 - 11:49am

now help SD with boundaries. No doubt your DH will just about try to move in with SD. He will be there ALL the time if she lets him.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 03/02/2017 - 7:16am

Yes. This will be better for everyone...and especially for your marriage.

I want to second what someone above said about codependency and the damage it does to all your other relationships. Story from my own life...

Mt dad died unexpectedly, like your SDs mom. Two years later, my sister, who was 20, got pregnant. My sister was living at home (she was the second youngest) with my mom and my youngest sister, who was 16 at the time. My sister told her boyfriend, who was a couple years older and in the Marines, and the opposite thing happened. She wasn't considering abortion but was considering adoption. He said...let's get married and have this baby. So...they did, and while she was still pregnant he got deployed to Iraq for 6 months.

Here's where the codependency comes in. Because they were married, my sister got $900 a month housing allowance while he was away. But my mom wouldn't hear of her moving out. Her husband is in Iraq! She LOST her dad at a young age! I said...well, then she should give you at least half of that allowance for rent and help with utilities. My mom wouldn't hear of it!!! How could she possibly ask for money from her own child?!?! (My dad had an illness that nearly bankrupted us and they took away his life insurance bc of it the year he died...so my mom was going to school to switch careers while also having two part-time jobs to pay the bills. I'm still kind of shocked and angry that my sister never offered.) My mom likes to borrow trouble, so she would often say things to me like: "I don't want to think about what will happen if *Steve doesn't come home. I'll probably have *Sally with me for a long, long time. SIGH." All said in this low, sorrowful full-of-empathy voice...about something that hadn't even happened!! And didn't happen. So, the rest of her kids, all five of us, had to watch while *Sally paid no rent, paid for nothing around the house while seeing my mom struggle to make ends meet...pampered herself with weekly pedicures bc she was pregnant, bought new tablets and other electronics like candy. And, when my mom was home, she practically waited on my sister hand-and-foot. Because it's her first and she's young and her husband is in training and then shipping out and she's scared...and, and, and.

Meanwhile, my youngest sister is tearing it up in high school, graduating a year early with enough AP credits to go into high school as almost a sophomore...applying to schools. And my moms nowhere to be found. She's too busy coddling and worrying over my other sister...who is totally fine but kind of an attention black hole...she'll take everything you're able to give and then say that you never call...

So, I plan and pay for a graduation party for my youngest sister...at my house. My mom does manage to show up. I was working so I couldn't go...but I pay for my brother and youngest sister to go on some college visits. Youngest sister often asks for some of my mom's time and attention...complains about *Sally acting like a princess and a diva...and eclipsing her big moment. My mom says she's being silly and over-dramatic. She's not doing anything but giving her a safe place to be while she's pregnant and her husband is off saving our country.

Anyway, it went on like this for months...years, even. My mom was like a totally weird zombie, and it really sucked bc we'd ALL just lost our dad...and now all but one of us felt like we'd lost our mom, too, I tried to talk rationally to my mom about the money and about her behavior...told her it was damaging everyone else's relationship with her and with our sister...which was really bad bc our sister is going to need to be close with all of us when my mom is gone. Again, my mom had dismissals and rationalizations. How could she see one of her children in such need and not help?!

So, now that baby is seven and a total charming delight who we all dote on, my youngest sister is out of college and working in her field at 24, *Sally is out of my moms house, her husband is home...they have another delightful child, two incomes, and a huge house while my mom's house is kind of falling apart bc she can't afford to maintain it. We're all pretty close and everything is OK...everything has balanced out...but when my youngest sister has a problem, needs to talk...or needs some help, she calls me first.This really hurts my mom's feelings, and she mentions it to me a lot. Why does she call you and not me? I never know what's going on in her life...I'm her mother. I don't know how to tell her that my sister doesn't really trust her or feel close to her anymore...sometimes my mom will theorize about that time being why her youngest doesn't ever ask her for anything...but she always excuses her behavior. She doesn't know what else she could have done. Her baby neeeeedddeeed her. Um...she could have set up healthy boundaries is what she could have done.