Disengagement
Forums:
Hi everyone.
I'm new here and have seen "disengagement" being offered as advice quite a lot. I think it may help in my situation with my SD (age 6). Can someone explain to me how it works?
I also have 2 bio children that I see part time, so am curious how disengagement would work in this context.
Many thanks.
Hi Warwick, and welcome. This
Hi Warwick, and welcome. This site has helped me so much in my own situation - and every situation is different. Here is a link to what I call the "Disengagement Manifesto":
http://www.fillingyourniche.com/the-disengaging-essay/
It really will help, depending on your SD6. For me, I had been doing battle with SD17 for more than 2 years. Up until as recently as a few months ago when she completely and totally lost her temper and spewed out vile and ridiculous words. She and I have no problems between us now, but I keep it at "goodbye, hello, goodnight, good morning". That's about it. I do not drive her anywhere, she's with us 50/50, I do not ask her to DO anything (ie clean up her mess from dinner in living room, dishes, her bedroom, etc), that all comes from my SO, and there you have it, in a nutshell!
Being so young, at 6, she is more needy, than my SD17, so your SO will have to shoulder a LOT more, when you disengage. Why are you wanting to disengage, or at least considering it?
Good luck!
I got to thinking about
I got to thinking about this...
The reason for disengaging in my case, was because SO wasn't parenting enough, in my opinion. That's operative - my opinion is mine. Her opinion was that I am a lot like her dad was, which was quite "savoir faire." Because we differed so much, we had friction... then I thought about it. These aren't my kids. They don't appreciate jumping jackadoodle sh!t that I do for them and it hurts me to invest in a relationship these kids aren't interested in unless they're getting a toy or something. So I decided two things: I won't do sh!t for them anymore unless I get something I want out of it - and I won't discipline them or get onto them for anything.
"Butbutbut Java! How could you just let those tender young souls just fall flat on their faces?!?" Interesting thing happened. While SO said I was being heavy handed, once I stopped, the kids were being nonstop buttheads, and SO got sick of them doing that to the point she HAD TO start being a parent.
It has been liberating.
I still struggle on occasion, but that's to be expected; it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be.
Then I discovered this website as I was trying to get a gauge on "how many sleepovers a month is ok" and the essays and other documents presented here about disengaging are beyond helpful. Not only did it validate my decision, they also give more insight for the next steps, and the differences all seem to show there's no "one, single, only" way to manage your disengagement.
When SO and I are talking and her kid interrupts, if she cuts off her and my conversation, I just walk off and do something else. When her kids start getting noisy or disruptive, I do my best to ignore them and let them annoy SO till her head explodes. I'm pretty sure she'll eventually come to me and ask me to back her, and I will do that, but my intention is to let her feel the frustration I've experienced and to let her eat a little crow as she says, "Ok, when I said I don't understand why you're so impatient... now I do. They ARE noisy!"
Hello and welcome. I hope you
Hello and welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
Disengagement as is the case with just about any philosophy in SParenting is flexible. But generally it is the process of detaching from the drama and conflict in parenting a Skid while leaving the responsibility of raising, etc..., the kid to the parent you are married to.
There are varying degrees of disengagement ranging from total to selective.
Generally I am not a proponent of disengagement as I have an issue with not engaging or sharing in such a big part of my wife's life. That said.... only you know the entirety of your Sparent situation and only you can choose what is right for you.
Since you have your own BKs who visit you periodically be ready for a tit-for-tat disengagement response from your SO. If you disengage from his kid(s) he will very likely disengage from yours.
Good luck.
Welcome..... another link to
Welcome.....
another link to help you out http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
now the girl is 6, if she's nice to you, you are nice back to her, if you ask her for help in the kitchen small things,or picking up her toys, or what ever and she does not have a problem with it, the so be it, if she asks you for help you help her back....
Driving her around, no way... that's her parents responsibility, only time you do get involve in driving her is when both parents are in hospital
Doing her laundry... if she has no problem folding her own cloths and you showing her, I see no problem in doing her laundry... if she is a brat then daddy can do the laundry....
Just be careful, she's still very young, your future relationship with her will be determined how things are handled now
Excellent thread. I've been
Excellent thread.
I've been doing a form of this a month or two so far, and it's been a load off of everyone. This doesn't say it's the cure, but imagine it's like when your Dr stops squeezing that swollen hand and asking, "Does it hurt when I do this?" Your hand still hurts, though the Dr stopped squeezing it... But now comes the reckoning.
I had come in with the structure of being a responsible adult, where I helped, where I was someone they could count on and had their backs - and I expected the same in return. But they were maybe not ready for all that, so disengaging and letting them see the pitfalls of nonparenting is best. It has gotten out of hand, and I think this will be temporary, but we'll see... Let's see how birthdays go.
I’m not a fan of
I’m not a fan of disengagement purely because it generally represents a lack of unity and respect between the couple (ie bio parent and step-parent).
If the bio parent makes their partner a priority and is willing to compromise on parenting and stand up to their kids (especially with regards to poor behaviour) then the need for the step-parent to disengage shouldn’t be there. That doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions of course and there will always be difficult kids no matter how good the parenting is.
Given your skid is so young, I’d be seriously considering whether disengaging from your relationship (permanently) is the better option) Do you want to commit to this situation for another 15+ years? Because if your partner is not prepared to put in the hard yards now with parenting then you’re in for a hell of a ride when they hit the teenage years.