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How do you disengage

stepford mom's picture

Submitted by stepford mom on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:20pm

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Blended Family Issues

I am not quite sure what is meant by "disengage". Can someone please explain to what extent one is to disengage and give some examples? Do you just have nothing to do with them or are you distant? Does your spouse react well to this?

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:26pm

http://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging-essay.html

I-m so happy I recommend you read this. Someone on this site advised me to read it when I was contemplating disengaging.

Basically, you would just be stepping back and letting DH parent his kid. If your DH does not appreciate your efforts, then stop giving them and let him be responsible for his own child.

EvilWickedSM's picture

Submitted by EvilWickedSM on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 2:18pm

Like SM1994 I was “expected” to treat SD like she was my child when it came to the fun things, like buying stuff, going to movies, etc., but I DH would get royally ticked if I tried to correct her or set rules and boundaries. After years of this, and him contradicting me in front of her, I finally had enough. I told him if I couldn’t be a parent when it came to the rules and stuff then I couldn’t be a parent when it came to the fun things. So, that’s what I did. I no longer fix dinner when she’s there, he does. I also don’t buy her things, do any laundry, invite her to family gatherings, etc. Basically all I do is respond if she talks to me….that’s it.

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 3:34pm

Wow, this seems to be a common theme with these fathers. They want us to be the kid's mother - take them out, by them things, etc. but when it comes to actual PARENTING, that's where they draw the line.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Submitted by Igiveupsotornup... on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 4:08pm

Well my type of disengagement happened when my SD19 finally damaged DH and I enough that we had enough. We both haven't spoke to her since august but kind of stopped speaking to her since last May. August we got our 2nd text message from her and her dirt bag boyfriend since may and it was a horrible message and SD19 and DH and I both decided to stay out of eachothers lives. I am happy that we don't speak to her, however still a little scared that she will try to come back into our lives and after all the hell we went through, I don't want her back in our lives. However I am stuck if she comes back because I have 2 biological children with DH. So I cant leave. I hate her enough now that if I didn't have children with my husband I would leave if she came back. However DH is on the same side as me and supportive so the only way she would come back is if she changed and sobered up since she wouldn't want to stick around and listen to DH tell her what he thought of everything. there is so much more that needs to be said to her to bring us closure but as long as she is in the situation she is in right now, I know she would never sit and listen to us talk to her about how we feel because in her mind she is right and we are wrong. So disengaging for us was completely cutting her out of our lives.