Getting to the point, I swear. Opinions are welcomed!
Dh hasn't visited SS12 since school started. I could list a ton of "good" reasons (which would be the gospel truth) but I know I'd get a lot of "it's his responsibility" comments, so I'll just leave it at that.
He has however been trying to get ahold of him since he left. The only response he's received is that SS needs school clothes that were asked for before school began. I tried for weeks to get a response about size, with no luck, so bought what i thought was right with a receipt for return just in case, but couldn't send it as we have no address. I still have them.
Even tried to contact weeks before thanksgiving to see if we could see him then, and got a short response the day before saying they'd already planned something.
Anyway... today DH FINALLY got a phone call from SS.
They talked about christmas first but nothing was set about when he's supposed to come as far as I know.
Next DH asked SS about school. SS admitted to doing poorly. He's been on the verge of suspension several times for talking back and being rude and plain ugly. And getting in fights in the school bathroom, which he DID get suspended for.
One instance he tried to tell DH that the principal called him a "retard". When really, she was telling him that he needs to learn how to be organized, and it's a life skill he'll need. Not knowing what a "life skill" is, he interpreted it for himself, poorly. Because asking what it meant or, heaven forbid, using a dictionary, never occurred to him. Dh explained to him what a "life skill" is and that "retarded" is not what the principal was saying. He then took the conversation in a different direction saying that he stopped taking his ADD meds because "the school only wants to drug him so they don't have to deal with him." He went on to say how depressed he is and he hates his school, and all his teachers suck and he's depressed and so on.
At which point DH said "you only have to hang on another semester, and then you can come live with us."
SS replied he didn't even want to talk about that. So DH asked if SS was upset. He said he didn't want to talk about it, but DH pressed the matter because he was worried.
So SS launched into a diatribe about how he "heard" that "if DH REALLY loved him he would do EVERYTHING in his power to come see him and that even if it MAKES HIM AND HIS FAMILY GO BROKE he needs to follow the decree and visit when he's supposed to and he's a DEADBEAT DAD.", etc. So DH let him finish, and started with something along the lines of yes, I need to visit you more and I want to, please understand i would if I could and I've been trying to call you. I'm not a bad dad, Ive never missed child support, i try to FaceTime and call and am met with no response, how am i even supposed to know you'd respond if I drove out there to get you. SS kept interrupting and saying things like well you SHOULD and IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME you'd do xyz. etc.
Eventually DH lost his temper and said something nasty and BM called him on it immediately because of course she was eavesdropping on the line.
Dh was absolutely devastated after this conversation. He's gonna be mopey for weeks. Christmas is unsure now.
So...
A. The no Meds thing and depression worries me
B. It's almost like the words coming out of his mouth belonged to his mother. Is he being brainwashed?
C. How much "Say" am i allowed to have when it comes to the subject of him moving in?
Dh and I have two kids together... The thought of SS being such a bad influence on them 24/7 scares me, and he and I don't do so well either. My nerves go crazy when he's around and I get very high strung because I don't trust him.
I'm not saying I don't want him to at least try staying with us. I would hope we'd be good for him and be a positive influence, but again, I worry. I know DH has every right to want his son to come live with us, he loves him of course!... but after that phone call and the craziness, I just don't know. I KNOW this is a sensitive topic and there will be varying opinions... please just be respectful in your comment. It's hard enough as it is. I'd just like to know everyones thoughts.
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Just because your DH is
Just because your DH is current on child support does not mean he isn't a bad dad. DH says he can't get ahold of his son? A sure way to get ahold of him is to show up for visitation. How do you not have BM's address? Does DH not know where his son lives?
If BM died tomorrow you would have SS full time. But truth be told, if my dad hadn't bothered to show up for visitation in 3 months I wouldn't want to talk about moving in either, I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. So you are most likely in the clear about SS living with you full time.
Let me be clear, I am in no
Let me be clear, I am in no way saying it's okay that he has''t seen him, but Like I said... many reasons. Also, nowhere did I day that just because he pays child support he's a good dad... he was mearly trying to list things, as money came up more than once as a reason he IS a bad dad.
Not attempting to see your
Not attempting to see your kid when you are physically able makes you a bad parent. Not knowing where your child lives and not making an effort to find out makes you a bad parent. Your DH is a bad parent to SS.
Honey, I am guessing from
Honey, I am guessing from this sentence you have one of those BM's "but couldn't send it as we have no address."
There is no way that any of us SM's can ignore the fact our step monsters may come to live with us. It's not easy when you have a difficult step situation. All I can suggest is take it one day at a time and know that you and your husband will parent SS differently. You will give him the help he needs and he will have to conform in your home to your way of life if that is where he wants to live.
((big hugs))
pffft... Hon to answer your
pffft... Hon to answer your questions
A. BM allowed him to go off the meds, why are you worried, you can't care more for him then his own mother.... DH should simply go to court and force the meds or at least try.... since when can a child decide I'm not taking my meds cause I'm to quiet... stuff that
B.YES YES YES... BM is brainwashing that kid nothing you can do about it.... nothing DH can do about it, who's telling him there's no money while receiving money?
C. You have equal say in who's moving in and staying permanently... it's your house as well and there's other children involved. You can compromise and say SS can move in if he sees some one weekly and goes back on his meds, not before then.
Yes, bm allowed him off the
Yes, bm allowed him off the meds and told him the school is out to get him. Yes, she poured PASing language and concepts into his head.
On the third one, yes, you have a right to have a voice in who moves into your house. Start talking to dh right now about what that would look like. Ask him if he would fully empower you to parent as the other kids are being parented and if he will back you up.
If he can't say yes to those questions tell him he'll need to arrange child care when he is not home but the boy is. Tell him you still need House Rules such as at this house we brush our teeth, clear the table, take turns washing dishes, go to bed at 9 pm (no electronics), etc.
Your husband will get a better idea of what it will actually be like not just a soft-focus dreamy vision of perfection. And you two will be on the same page and united when skid arrives.
Sounds like he'd be better off with y'all.
Ok, so, now, tell us why no address? How can he show up for visitation if he doesn't know where to go?
Exactly, he can't. She
Exactly, he can't. She finally finished with divorce number two about 6 months ago and at the time she had been living with her parents. however she has since moved into an apartment somewhere and has never given an address as DH has lately been directed to the grandparents house for pick up and drop off, most likely because the new boyfriend has moved in as well from what SS had been saying.