You are to be applauded for trying to keep all of this up, but as you see kind lady, it is mission impossible. It would be difficult with normally developed children, much less two children with disabilities. And, you are not their only hope, you are just the only one doing all the work right now-- it sounds like.

The father was given full custody, not you. He needs to step up and you step down and go to the spa for a full day break--- at least one day a week.

I will tell you honestly, as they age the behavior with kids who have serious disabilities does not improve; it usually becomes more serious as they require a lot more one on one attention and you simply cannot provide it. You have too much on your plate now. Sounds like an in home assistant for you would be helpful, would your husband ever help you out with that?

Otherwise, given the tone of frustration you write, I believe you will eventually check out just to regain sanity. I would too; all of us would. Sit down talk with your husband, tell him what you will and will not do and make him arrange to give you the relief break(s) you need. You cannot do this alone and realize it. Make HIM accountable to his children.

The kids are fortunate to have you in their lives, but you need to take care of YOU, first. If nobody in the family realizes your needs, stop engaging until they do!

I would get a job immediately and if I had to leave to do it, I would.... No more husband trap!

The state should have some resources at least for the autistic kid in which you can qualify for respite care. The state has an interest in keeping these kids at home and families together that's why this resource is available. Make use of it immediately.

Stop buying into the "playing favorites" guilt trip various people are laying on you. Those two kids ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

I can see how you'd want to step up but the reality is, as you're finding out, it is more than you can handle by yourself.

You do need to start looking at the whole thing as a different paradigm. Instead of feeling all the time that you have to do all the heavy lifting for those kids cuz you're the sahm, remind yourself they are not actually your children. So start by changing your language. Start saying "what are you going to do about it" when childcare issues come up. Currently he is assuming you will solve all his child care issues because you are assuming it, too. Step out of that paradigm and build a new one.

BTW, my ss is autistic. At 15 he is much easier than he was at 10. Just some light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Time to get these kids into a program where they can get some help and that gets them out of your hair so you can have a life. Get a job that gets you out of the house and forces DH to deal with his children and their problems. As long as you deal with it for all of them, they won't deal with it for themselves.

You are being taken advantage of by your DH, the BM and your ILs.

Quit letting that happen. Never forget that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and your life is a living hell because of your good intententions.

Your plan to go back to work needs to progess immediately past the planning stage and into the doing stage. Arrange for day care for your own kids and inform DH and your ILs that they are going to have to figure out care for the elder two special needs kids. When everyone is at home together then of course you participate but you do not take 100% of the kid and home care. DH needs to step up too.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

For me, the deal breaker is the effect this unhealthy situation is having on the other children in the home. If you don't put them first, who will?

There is no point in trying to to discuss, reason, or reach a compromise with your H or in-laws; they all have their own agendas that include you being the drudge and making their lives easier by doing all the heavy lifting with his kids. The last thing they want is a change in the status quo.

In a healthy second marriage, each partner brings their own baggage and handles it. But you got handed the ole bait and switch by a man who went hunting for a woman to care for his severely challenged children. And cynic that I am, I have to wonder if having an ours baby was just another way to further tie you down.

Please, please, do right by your bios and get them and yourself out of that mess. Those poor skids will never get the help they need, and your bios will never get the peaceful balanced life they deserve, until you remove yourself from the equation.

not sure if your ablw to respond a couple years later from this post. but, im curious as to how you are dong now and how things are? im in a similar situation as you. although, my husband is attentive and aware of their disablities. its hard to take on these responsibilities and obligations. i hope all is going well.