Ex Gets Married
I have to confess to someone and where better than here!
My ex got married this past Saturday. He has been with her off and on for about 3 years. At first I was extremely unhappy about their relationship. Not because of him being with someone, but because of the fact that she is an addict, as is my ex. He has been clean now for 15 years. He met her in NA about 2 months after her getting out of jail and she had not been clean for even a whole year. I did not want this newly clean, ex-convict in my girls’ life! She didn’t even raise her 2 surviving children due to drugs and I thought, “what right does she have thinking she can now come in and be in my children’s lives when she didn’t do it for her own!”
As time went on and we met and she was around my girls more, my opinion somewhat changed. She thankfully has remained clean and my girls really like her. We get along well and have no problem being around each other.
Now that they are married I wonder if our relationship will change. I wonder if she’s going to try to take on a more “mother” role with my girls. I hope not. That has always been my issue as a BM, not wanting a SM that oversteps her boundaries. So far all has been ok, except once when she cut my daughter’s hair without consulting me and I let them know that wasn’t acceptable to me.
My confession is also that I’m jealous. I’m jealous that she has “step life” way easier than I do.
I’m jealous that her skids aren’t total terrors.
I’m jealous that she has no meddling, boundary crossing, overbearing, two faced MIL to deal with, as my ex’s mother passed away before we even met.
I’m jealous that her BM (me) is a good mother and teaches her skids manners and respect, as my BM does not. My BM ships SS6stb7 off at any chance she gets and doesn’t enforce any kind of discipline or rules when she does have him, therefore contributing to his being a hellion.
I’m jealous that she has no kids in their home for them to fight over or for my kids to fight with. They have a calm home and my daughter doesn’t dread when she goes there because there’s no step sibling driving her crazy.
And a final petty jealousy issue…they got married 3 days after mine and DH’s 3 year anniversary. Our wedding day was cold and rainy and I had to use plan B location for my wedding, which I was very upset about. They had a gorgeous, cool fall day for their outside wedding. I know, stupid and petty. But I had to confess this stuff somewhere and couldn’t to anyone IRL!
- Countrymom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Wow, that would be really
Wow, that would be really hard to be around someone else's kids, when you didn't raise your own. Even if it was her own fault, it would still be hard.
It is good that your daughters and her get along.
Oh I know she has her own
Oh I know she has her own struggles, we all do and I know she's had worse ones than I can ever imagine. And I actually do like her, I guess I just feel bad that I feel jealous of her. NOT because she's with my ex, but because of the things I listed.
"I’m jealous that her skids
"I’m jealous that her skids aren’t total terrors." Do you think this because they are your kids?
Well I'm sure I may be
Well I'm sure I may be somewhat biased, as a lot of biological parents are, but no. My girls are well behaved, good students and respectful. Of course, not perfect. My oldest is hitting puberty and we know how that is. My youngest has always been super sensitive, which can be exhausting, I know they have faults but they are definitely not terrors.
While we're confessing.... I
While we're confessing....
I got a message from FB that maybe I'd like to be friends with someone with my ex's last name. Oh my lord... It's her. The chick that is holding him down while he's serving time in the pen. Crack whore. That was my first impression and after looking at her profile and at the people she is friends with (all of my ex's old using buddies) I knew I wasn't too far off the mark. Her profile is filled with pictures of her with him. Her showing off the engagement ring she bought herself (he hasn't had a job in eons) and her swearing her undying love. I almost pulled a GUBM move. I wanted so bad to message her and say something about how disgusting he was and how he probably was cheating on her from day one like he did with me. She was bragging about how he has custody of his two girls (he has three children and has custody of NONE) and so on. So obviously he hasn't been very honest with her. But I realized I was being a dumbass. I think I was jealous because I wanted someone that loved me so much that they were bragging about me on FB. I found myself doing a FB stalk so I blocked her. Nothing good will come from trying to peer in to her life.
Anyway, your ex is going to have one hell of a ride. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome will be kicking in pretty soon if it hasn't already and years two and three of sobriety can get hairy. Things look nice on the outside but that can change at any moment with a newly sober addict. And it's infuriating that she gets to play stepmommy occasionally when she obviously wasn't very successful with her own children. I would be scared of my daughter getting close and then getting hurt. I think your feelings are 100% valid.
I hope my ex and his new woman have a very happy life. I really do. If he is focused on her, then he will leave us alone.
To me her demons (addiction)
To me her demons (addiction) is much harder than dealing with a complicated skids or BM. I only say that because her addiction she has to fight 24/7/365 whereas most stepmoms get a break whether it be weekends or post grad years. It's two completely different miseries but I wouldn't trade steplife for a battle with drug addiction. Just my perspective.
Maybe what you are feeling
Maybe what you are feeling isn't jealousy - maybe it's more nostalgia, wistfulness, sadness at things that could have been better (or should be) in your own life. The old "woulda, coulda, shoulda" syndrome.
Not to say that you wish you had your life back with your DH, it's just sad when you look back at a person or period of time in your life and then look at where things are today.
I don't seem to be explaining it right - but I think I know how you feel.
When my ex told me he had met someone (and eventually married her) it still caused a twinge. Even though I had NO regrets for divorcing him, and despite the fact I had already been with my SO for years, and even though I am very happy he found someone - it still affects you.
Keep an eye on your girls and keep your dignity and composure - you will get through this...
Oh chit. I wonder who 13th
Oh chit. I wonder who 13th stepped who }:)
I go to AA meetings with the occasional NA meeting because alcohol is a drug too. One of the first things a good sponsor tells you is not to make a major life change in your first year of sobriety.
I must say, once an addict gets clean, there is always a chance for relapse. If they stay true to the program, it lessens but....
Yep. I remember my ex talking
Yep. I remember my ex talking about how they are supposed to stay single the first year etc, and him telling his sponsee's (not sure spelling) not to date newcomers to the program, then he does it after being one of the veteran members of the NA meetings around here. Oh well, I truly hope for the best.
It's not that she currently
It's not that she currently doesn't have custody of her bios, her kids are now grown. She had them very young. She recently became a grandmother, but I think she's only like 39. I know her daughter was raised by a grandmother and they are not close, and not sure who raised her son but they seem to be a little closer.
Still her children might get a little jealous that my children get to have her in their lives while her being sober.
I've dealt with jealousy as
I've dealt with jealousy as well, not my exH's GF but BM. She's doing things in her life that I really want to do. I vent, get it out and let it go. Hopefully you can let it go as well.
In fact I hope you can be the BM who is easy to deal with and understands that the more people who love your children the happier they will be and the better life they will have.
seriously..... Hon if you are
:jawdrop: seriously..... Hon if you are jealous about her having easier SM life then you, you can change it... very quickly..... }:)
If you and the new SM gets along and there's no problems... then be friends, maybe you DH will see how it's suppose to be and maybe he will tell BM to be a better mother.... this could work to your advantage if played right you know
It doesn't work every time,
It doesn't work every time, but when I feel like that I think about that old adage about wanting to be the kind of person who wishes everyone happiness.
Usually, if I don't wish someone happiness, I've got my own anger and frustration and disappointments that I'm focussing on.
There's no competition in life. It seems like there is, in all kinds of arenas, but there isn't. The only thing that matters is if you choose to enjoy this moment.