So, I have been around here for a while, doing what lurkers do best, but today, I felt the need to post my story. I think this is just one more piece of my plan, to unload the baggage wherever and whatever it is.

I have followed this group for about 4 years. All the stories before mine was what I used for support during some very dark days and very late nights. I have seen a bit of drama and a ton of kindness. I searched tirelessly for some understanding of what was happening to me and in my home and it led me to some very stark realizations about life, about step life and about just who I am.

My DH and I have been married about 10 years and his son is 31. I just assumed:

I don’t have kids and this was cool to have a step son;

I could be the “friend”, not a mom replacement;

We could live as one big happy family.

WTH did I know? I knew nothing. I know plenty now. Being on this site gave me the insight to explore personality disorders, and my DH’s son is narcissistic, as is the BM. Nope, not a diagnosis but they both fit the bill. I kept seeing things were “off” with DH’s son, like catching him in lies and strong anger and emotions to others. His father would blow it off but it never sat right with me.

Finally, he turned to me as his new target and the lying and gas lighting that I went through for about 3 years helped kill any love or respect I originally had for my DH as my DH did not want to “be in the middle”….what an ass. The night that DH’s son lied to him in front of me and accused me of attacking him verbally, which I did not do, and then the look on my DH’s face, a “how could you do this” look…..that night, I think my love for DH died. I knew for sure then that all the times I felt second best to anyone else in the world were true.
I tried though.

I can’t go into all the details because I am worn out from going over them again and again in my head for all these years. Just know that I gave it one last shot at a relationship with DH’s son. After an incredible Christmas in 2012, I have never seen him again. He told DH that he can’t come to our house as I make him feel uncomfortable. I of course asked, what did I do? I have not seen him in 3 years and of course, DH is afraid of his son, afraid to support his wife, afraid to ask. So whatever, he is not and has been my problem for a while.

DH has failed every person in his life. He is kind but a people pleaser and scared of confrontation or anything that makes him uncomfortable. His son never lies, according to him. If that is the case, then I lie, or at least I am sure that is what he believes.
To all the new STers, read the posts. Study them. You are hearing, for the most part, the heart and soul of sadness being poured out, the search for understanding that can elude so many of us. I did not want to see who my husband was telling me he was. That was my choice and I think that is why I has such a hard time posting before, because I knew the truth and could not admit it. Now I can.

So what is the plan? My plan is to live my life and do what is best for me, which is moving on beyond this pseudo life with DH. I have a good business, I do not have children and I am older and wiser. It is important that I know my truths and live by them. It’s hard and I feel the agonizing that many of you feel when you see you are on the road to nowhere but that road is more comfortable than jumping into the unknown. That living in the worst situation is more secure than changing it. It is hard to see your way out of things sometimes. You will find your way in your own time, we mostly all do.

Thank you STers, you are all the best. You have made me laugh and cry and question who the hell I really am and what I want. You assured me I was not insane. Many of you write your stories for yourselves without realizing how much they can help so many. They definitely helped me.

Trust yourself….trust your instincts. I understand where my resentment for my DH comes from now and while his son is a POS, DH is truly the person who has caused me the real pain. There is no way I can get back my love for him so I am not even trying. I will say, though, that I am happy and peaceful because I don't have to live this way and I will spend the next 40 years living life on my own damn terms! All of you have the right to be happy, so go be happy. Don’t ever let someone else determine that.