Help! Big Blowout
Hi, First time posting, didn't know where else to go.
We had a big blowout on Monday and have had no communication from our other parents till today! We took my step son to a wedding and during photos he said he didn't belong to my "last name" we told him he was part of our family. The child said the step mother said he wasn't my "last name", After drop off we got an angry text message saying my step son was telling the biological dad that he was our 'our last names hyphenated' it blew up after that and we were told we crossed a line.
My wife got defensive and asked how that was different from him asking us to let the child call his step mom 'mom'. At the time the biological dad said the child should be allowed to decide what he could call the step mom and myself. My wife reluctantly agreed to try, we had read that it is better to have peaceful households than to argue over titles. When my wife pointed that out, the biological dad fired back that he had heard the child call me 'dad', inferring we were having the child call me 'dad' behind there back. I only know of the son calling me 'dad' twice in front of the dad. He use to call me dad and I would correct him, but we came to the realization that he was calling his stepmom 'mom' and after the two biological parents talked i was asked to allow the child to call me dad.
The thing is he doesn't and very rarely ever did call me dad, he introduces me by my name or as step dad.We here him call his step mom 'mom' all the time. We finally asked my step son why, he told us it would hurt her feelings if he didn't (apparently his half brother starts calling her by her name instead of mom) the biological father had acted like my step son would be very upset if he wasn't able to call his step mother 'mom'
so that's the back story, here is the question:
I think if I can show the Dad that the child does not call me 'Dad' some of the animosity will subside. My wife also hates the step mom being called 'mom'and would prefer if the child called us step parents by our biological names. How do i show the biological dad that I am not calling myself 'dad' and never have been?
Sorry if this is confusing, any help would be so appreciated
oh no he is awesome, it was
oh no he is awesome, it was very clear he had been told he wasn't a "my last name" he is only 6.
well that was what we thought
well that was what we thought at first, but we are hoping the SM was just explaining that his last name is just the BD's. Aiming for reconcilation but the not talking is making it hard
(*Snort*Giggle*) My own son
(*Snort*Giggle*) My own son frequently calls me "Dad" after he spends time with his biodad/ex-dh and returns home. I am "Mom," not "Dad." We do not remotely look alike; and he does not confuse us at all. (I am a tall woman with, ahem, curves ... and his father/ex=DH is a 6' burly guy.)
However, through the years I've noticed that my son does that when he comes back from visits since he's used to saying "Dad ... Dad ... Dad" for awhile. I've also noticed that when my son's mind is busy on what he wants to tell me --- great trip to the Aquarium, going fishing, seeing cousins, whatever --- his mouth runs on autopilot. I'll bet a dollar that he has called his father/ex-DH "Mom" before --- slip of the tongue.
My son is 14 and still does it. I usually just laugh and he self-corrects.
Sounds as if you have a double-standard going on in the households which happens to many families. Wish that SM didn't "expect" to be called "Mom" --- "Mom Sarah" or "Mama June" were totally acceptable names when I lived South. The title of Aunt/Uncle/Cousin/Mamma/Papa followed by their first name was normal and demonstrated respect while differentiating people.
Calling a Sparent either mom
Calling a Sparent either mom or dad is not a hill that I think is worth dying on for either side of the blended family equation.
The only person who can determine what your Skid calls you is..... YOU!
In my case I was Dad(dy). I was the first person that my SS-23 ever called Dad(dy). The SpermIdiot was always in the picture but had only long distance visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).
My bride and I started dating when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He did not talk much at all when we started dating but over the 8mos between meeting and getting married I became Daddy to the kid. That is what I have always been to him. When he was a toddler/young child he called the SpermIdiot "Daddy (Firstname)". When he progressed into his older childhood years then SpermIdiot became Daddy then Dad. In his late teens he started calling the SpermIdiot by his first name. It was never an issue what he called the SpermIdiot or called me for that matter though I do admit that when he would start to tell a story about doing something with "Dad(dy)" I would ask "Which one?".
He did come home from SpermLand visitation once and informed his mom and I that "(SpermGrandHag) says I can't call you Dad any more because you are only my Step Dad." So I gave him a choice. Since I had always been dad he could continue to call me dad or he could call me Mr. (Lastname). His call. Since I do not allow children to call me by my first name those were the only two choices I would allow. He decided to stick with "Dad".
I always have remained "Dad". When he was 22 he asked me to adopt him. So, we made that happen. I told him that it was not necessary for him to have me adopt him to take the family name and that he could just do a name change. Nope, he wanted a "full meal deal" adoption including a new birth certificate with me as his Father. His reasoning is that he has always been a Rags, will always be a Rags, and it was time to take the name of who he has always felt he is.
Works for me. I am proud to be his dad.
Sounds like to much confusion
Sounds like to much confusion for a 6 yr old. Since he has a half bro and the 1/2 bro started calling his Mom by her name why can't the 6 year old call his step mom (mom and her first name) and his Step dad can be(Dad and his first name) why make it so hard for the little guy. He shouldn't have to pick sides. He should be able to be and feel like he wants too no matter which house he is at.
Thanks for all the feedback
Thanks for all the feedback people, its always good to hear more perspectives. My wife is suppose to talk to the BD next week. I'll let you know how it goes. Pray we are able to communicate.
Thanks again!
Thanks for all the feedback
Thanks for all the feedback people, its always good to hear more perspectives. My wife is suppose to talk to the BD next week. I'll let you know how it goes. Pray we are able to communicate.
Thanks again!