Joining the Fun
I am going to try and keep this generic, sorry if it seems I am leaving some personal information out. Unfortunately I have to avoid certain people finding this and our situation is kind of unique making it too easy.
I am a stepmom and biomom. Together we have a Brady bunch of kids. 6+ from Elementary to High School.
Today I just need opinions on a current situation, not like I couldn't fill this site with bullsh*t but have to save some for another day 
background: we have 50/50 custody. Same days and same weekends. I am home for the summer with my bios. Their dad drops them off after his nights before he goes to work. And they spend the day with me after our nights and he picks them up when he is done work.
The issue is with the SK's. They are not allowed to stay with me during the day (or their dad for that matter unless prior arrangements have been made and BM's multiple personalities allow it). She will pick them up early in the morning, drag them out of bed and then drop them off home alone while she goes to work. In the beginning she would just show up whenever she wanted sometimes early sometimes a little later and then start calling the skids phones until someone answered. Now the point has been made that if she was going to force this issue it would be at a time prior told.
So SO began to force the issue. They will not be left home alone or he would pursue through the court for negligence. (I can't give too much info but a young teen skid is watching multiple very young skids when left alone).
So now we have progressed to today. Again early am wake up call and out the door. But this time they are getting dropped off at a friends house instead of being left alone. All to avoid them staying with me.
And her reason...bc I'm not their mother.
Now I have never claimed to be nor have I ever stepped over that line. I have bios. I treat my skids how I would want my kids to be treated at their fathers. BM is just that insecure (will get into other situations later but believe me I have been lurking here and I think our BM may be in the running for glorious golden uterus of the year).
So what's next? I have ignored. I have tried to not let it bother me. But now my bios are angry because they don't understand why they can't enjoy their summer together. The skids are miserable and when they are here it makes everyone miserable. And I am so angry and hurt that I have to live like this for the next 10 plus years.
And custody modification doesn't seem to be an option. 50/50 for my SO is not on paper. BM basically sold her kids to him if he agreed to keep paying full support.
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Yes he isn't home. And they
Yes he isn't home. And they don't have that in their order. My point is that she would rather the kids be miserable to spite me. And how to learn to just move on.
Then it sounds like your
Then it sounds like your husband needs to take control of the situation and tell her she can't come pick up the skids during his time.
OR - go to court and get an actual parenting plan.
This isn't all on BM, you know. He is allowing it to happen.
Does their CO grant her right
Does their CO grant her right of first refusal?
If not, your husband is free to have you watch the skids during his parenting time and there is nothing she can do about it.
If I were you, I would tell your husband to start telling her NO and if she has a problem with you, she can file a motion and ask for ROFR (which is stupid, in my opinion for a day time period when SHE isn't even at home with the skids).
Sounds to me like your husband is a little afraid of BM, not terribly educated about his rights as a father and not fully aware of what his CO says.
Time to educate him
If the 50/50 custody is in
If the 50/50 custody is in the CO, then FROR does not apply since BM is not with the children either and DH can tell BM to stuff it. However this bit And custody modification doesn't seem to be an option. 50/50 for my SO is not on paper. BM basically sold her kids to him if he agreed to keep paying full support. leads me to believe that the 50/50 custody is not legal and there is nothing DH can do without legal action. If he has documentation that the placement schedule has been 50/50 for x amount of time, he can file to have it legally changed in the CO. And then the skids can stay with SM on Dad's days and at BM's home alone on BM's days or with her friends.
Correct. 50/50 is not on
Correct. 50/50 is not on paper. Long drawn out court, many times over and our judge views fathers as 'babysitters'. If he pushes the issue she could legally take 50/50 away until he goes back to court.
Unfortunately he is at the point where it's easier to just let it go. Take the time given and move on until the kids come to the conclusion and or stand up for themselves. To keep the sanity in our home rather than join the crazy.
My issue is that I am a fighter. And I hate when kids get the shit end of the deal for an adults insane objective. I just need advise as to how to let it all go and move on.
We are dealing with a similar
We are dealing with a similar situation, however 50/50 is in the court documents. We have had the kids at least 60% of the time until recently. BM has said the kids are "scared" of me, and I am abusive verbally to the kids--she has seen it (which if funny because I don't ever speak to the kids in her presence). Her soulution is similar to the BM you are dealing with. However, DH does have a frof. BM refuses to offer it because the kids left to their own devices, per BM, than spending more time with DH and I.
What it really comes down to is money. She knows if DH pushes the issue, they would end up back in court and if she doesn't have 50/50, she would end up paying!
Get that. In our situation
Get that. In our situation the skids are told not to talk to me. It takes us nearly our entire weekend to get to a normal state only to go back to BMs for one day and we are right back where we started. It's miserable and most times I just steer clear when they are here to avoid any unnecessary drama.
Which is why I feel the issue stems from. BM doesn't want them to have any more contact with me then absolutely necessary bc they may just like it God forbid. And then where does that leave her. Rather than being happy that the kids have 2 families that care.