YSD wants to come to our house for 2 weeks.
YSD has not been an active part of DH and my life in over 25 years we have been together. She has also played the exclusion game with her older sister but basically is in the background.
She had been to our summer home twice in 25 years (this home is now sold / gone). The first time was for 5 days when our BS was a toddler. She took over everything, overstepped boundaries and even if I mentioned something to her gently she just ignored me.
We now only have our principle residence in a resort type area.
She is a typical failure to launch. Never had a full-time job, never kept a part-time job longer than 6 months. On government assistance and now has a 2 year old. Her BF (baby daddy) is an alcoholic and she doesn't have the balls to kick him out. She needs him gone.
Instead of doing what is right for her and her baby she wants to run away for a "few" weeks to our house. I don't feel comfortable having more drama in my home and our teen son is more than a handful right now. I feel like our home is dysfunctional enough without throwing YSD and her baby into the mix. She is basically a stranger to me and I am stressing out just imagining her here.
I am having a really hard time explaining to DH that this is not a good idea and maybe she should go stay with OSD who has a nice big house with a pool etc. Then she could get away from her life for a bit but still be in the same city. We are over 2 hours away and somewhat isolated. There is NOTHING here for her except to lurk around the house.
Just not sure where to go from here. I am only working part-time now so not bringing in much money - I used to have a great job making more than DH but was laid off in the fall. I feel vulnerable, angry and trapped now. Please help.
" The first time was for 5
" The first time was for 5 days when our BS was a toddler. She took over everything, overstepped boundaries and even if I mentioned something to her gently she just ignored me."
Behavior of 15-20yrs ago from a then teen shouldn't be basis for a decision in the present. When you talk to DH about SD's current request, don't bring this old history into the discussion. Focus on the present.
There is no good reason for SD to visit your home for two weeks and she does have other alternatives. Just say no. 1)Your hands are full now with a 24/7 teen, 2) your home isn't sat up for a toddler, 3) you don't intend to cook, clean, entertain SD and chase her 2yr old around, 4)what guarantees she'd leave in two weeks, and 5)why would you want to allow someone who has wanted nothing to do with you in move in for any length of time?
Besides all that, if her intentions are to hide out from her BF, who wants the potential of a drunk hunting her down in your home.
"You're holding too much
"You're holding too much against her, most of which has nothing to do with you, and the rest was too long ago to continue stressing yourself over it."
The stuff I am holding onto started a long time ago but has not changed. I guess I should have mentioned this. She continues to act as if her father is a single lone man. She does not acknowledge me or her half brother at birthdays and Christmas. The past 2 years she completely ignored that her half brother even exists. I was very angry and hurt about this. This is as recent as 6 months ago.
I am actively looking for full-time employment - yes I am employable but the market is tough and I am not as young as many applicants applying for the same jobs.
I do not want to leave my house as I do not have family locally and I do have a job here. I cannot just take off and leave - not logical or practical. Plus I wouldn't leave my BS here with the dysfunction that will erupt.
Savings, ah this is a different can of worms. My money is locked in until December and other money is not accessible at this time. I would have to go to a lawyer and separate to get my hands on it. It is in a safe place -tied up - no access.
MY DH is a control freak about money and we do not share joint accounts - never have. That is why my part-time job is not enough.
I do not feel it is fair for DH to try to repair his relationship with his youngest daughter on my time and disrupt our house. His relationship with her is not my concern. I promote him trying to rebuild, I mentioned to him about going to her town and supporting her as much as he wants.
I simply don't trust her or like her very much. I don't want her in my home - period. 25+ years of being rejected has built a wall that I do not care to break down at this time.
I would not invite ANYONE to
I would not invite ANYONE to stay in my home for two weeks. That is just too long. When I was remodeling my condo I never even stayed with my own sister (who I am ultra close to) for 2 weeks at a time.
It's not like she is coming from across an ocean to come visit. At MOST I would allow her there for a weekend with rules spelled out explicitly before her arrival. And I would feel free to kick her out ASAP if she was an ass.
It really should take the agreement of BOTH parties to invite any adults into your home. I make more money and own my home outright, but I would NEVER tell my DH that he had to allow someone to stay if he objected.
From experience---talk with
From experience---talk with your husband and say NO. This is an ADULT woman. If she comes for 2 weeks, trust me, it will be for good. My SD is 36 and has NEVER changed. She continues on with a life of total irresponsibility. We have bent over backwards and she remains disrespectful and entitled. DON'T do it. If you do, your sanity, your marriage and your son will suffer terrible consequences.
Let her sister take her in. Get you and your husband to a therapist who can help HIM see that enabling an ADULT woman is wrong....damaging to her and to your family.
I wish you peace....
In response to one post that
In response to one post that said:she is your husband's daughter so you can't say no. Excuse me? She is an ADULT! Setting rules and boundaries with an ADULT? It is impossible. She has created her own mess, let her find a way out. I'm a very compassionate person, but know, all too well, how this story goes as our 36 year old SD creates drama all the time--then expects Daddy to bail her out. He has stopped enabling and she is furious. Too bad. Time to grow up.
You have EVERY right to say no. This is YOUR home.
She is an adult, she has a
She is an adult, she has a place to live, and her wanting to "run away" for a few weeks is not how she should be dealing with her problems. Your husband should NOT be reinforcing this.
And of course, you have every right to say that you don't want her bringing her baggage into your home.
If DH really wants her to
If DH really wants her to come then it's time for negotiation. Maybe allow something like coming on Thursday or Friday afternoon then leaving on Sunday afternoon/evening of the same week. Tell DH that this is the way that it will be since you are working and need quiet time in the evenings. 2 weeks is too much for a grown daughter and her toddler. The toddler needs to be home not drug all over, and SD will get way too comfortable after 2 weeks. Suggest that she can go stay with her sister after the extended weekend with you.
As an absolute last resort I
As an absolute last resort I would compromise and have YSD stay for a couple days - ie. 2 nights. But the whole time I would be stressed and full of anxiety. It would be very hard on me physically. I now have panic attacks from all the step issues over the past 20+ years and can't get it under control without medication or avoiding stressful situations.
My health should be my priority - and DH'S priority too if he were a loving husband.
I can relate to the panic
I can relate to the panic attacks! NO ONE, except us, who have lived in this can truly understand. It has taken my DH 26 years fo finally GET IT.