In need of advise
Hello everyone,
I am new in this forum and would like to get some positive feedback in regards to a very delicate situation. A bit of background on the situation... I have been married to my husband for 11 years. He has two children from different past relationships. One child is 18 years old and the other is 12 years old. Ever since I met my husband he has had issues being able to have a relationship with his children as a result of the mothers interfering. Therefore, I have never had the ability to establish a relationship with the children. We have an 8 year old child and he doesn't not understand that he has two siblings. The 12 year old child's mother began allowing my husband to have supervise visit with her even though the court order says differently, but to avoid the drama he would give in to her demands. The mother of his 12 year old child even accused him of molesting their daughter and that I was abusive towards the child even though we had no contact with them or whatsoever. She also would threat with child support even though my husband paid her. I honestly have feelings of resentment towards this women. She made our life a living hell till she remarried. She disappeared for two or three years and at one point wanted to terminate my husbands parent rights. The other mother of his child just asks for money, no drama there.
Anyhow, I had planned for our family (my husband, my son and my mother that lives with us) to take a Christmas vacation out of the country. We agreed on to where we would go and today out of the nothing he tells me that he wanted to ask both of the mother of his kids if they could come with us on vacation. I told him that I don't feel comfortable with them coming with us on our family vacation taking into consideration that I do not have a relationship with them and they don't even know me. My son has been around his daughter a few times while he visits but not continuous contact. My husband works out of the country and is barely home to spent time with us. I wanted this vacation to just be about us; me, him and our son. My mother usually comes with us on vacation and helps up with our son when we want to go out alone. He says that if I love him I would not be so selfish and allow him to bring his two children. So who loves me? Who understands my feelings?
My husband was here a few months alone and the mother of his 12 year old child allowed him to take her to the movies. I did not go as he said he wanted to spend time alone with his child. I felt thrown to the curve. Now, he wants to bring his kids, while I have never had a relationship with them. I suggested that when he comes home he start slowly introducing them to our family and spending time together in order to adjust. I feel so uncomfortable that I said that we a re no longer going anywhere.
Please provide me some good feedback.
Thanks.
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Comments
Starting to have more contact
Starting to have more contact and relationships is fine but not when you are all captive in a strange environment.
It's not a great situation
It's not a great situation alright. Can you clarify these things?
1) You say no drama with 18 year old mother? Why have you not met this girl several times so? If she just asks for money surely he should be able see this kid?
2) why on earth will he not get court order inforced? If he had evidence she is not giving visitation then this is contempt
Other than that I do agree - no point in vacation in strange place with kids you don't know. And I doubt mothers let them go without massive fight anyway.
Next time he says if you loved me you would do xxx counter with the same - as you said ; who loves you in all this?? I would also be concerned about things like BM making up stuff after you get back if you did go- you denied the child sweets treats water.. Any excuse to knock you down . And honestly this girl had prob been PAS'ed beyond belief ...
If it's an issue you could still go vacation with your son and mom - no point him missing out cause of this or you for that matter
Thanks for the advise and
Thanks for the advise and going over the situation.
His 18 year old lives out of the country. Mt husband used to go visit in his home country. We went one Christmas to visit my family there, but they live in another state. He had his son come over and stay with us during that time. It was very uncomfortable. He argued with his son because his son did not want to go out with us. Then one day I asked his son to help me clean up our room along with my son and he walked out on me. The kid also started making comments to me insinuating that at one point when my husband had visited without me he had some closeness with his mother. My husband stopped going four years ago because his BM1 would start making up email accounts and emailing me like a mad person. Then his son would call one of my sister in laws and say that my husband was messing around with other women over there. Therefore, we agree that the would not be able to go back home unless I went. The mother of this child has always pushed for him to come live with us but that has never happened. She is very irresponsible and has a live of her own and has not paid much attention to their son. He has had discipline issues and even disrespects her. Why should I have to deal with that in my home? If he is disrespectful to his mother and barely has a relationship with his father, I'm sure he would do the same to me. His son needs a visa to come to the U.S. and with the issues going on in his country it is almost impossible to get one at the time. The
On BM2 he has regular visitations. However, since he works out of the country he tried to be amicable and tries to reason with this insane woman. We have been to court numerous times and they only give her a slap on the wrist. Its a waste of time and money. I worked as a family law paralegal and was able to draft the document and do much of the work before hiring an attorney to represent him in court. However, we almost went broke last time. Is it worth it that my son and I have to suffer the financial strains as a result of him wanting to have his child with him? I don't think so. This has also caused a lot of stress in our marriage. Last time we went to court almost 5 years ago, nothing was resolved. I told my husband to leave it alone and just let time take its course. BM called me crying saying she was sorry. It was a sorry but not sorry kind of thing. She just loves the attention and manipulation. I honestly wish she disappeared.
I decided that if he becomes difficult, I will just go with my mother after Christmas. At the end he will lose. He wont get to go on vacation and not even get to spend time with his other to kids anyways.
I can certainly clarify. His
I can certainly clarify. His 18 year old son lives in another country. He has never been here to the U.S. because when I married my husband he did not have a permanent residency here in the U.S. Therefore, I had to petition him as my husband. His son has not had the opportunity to come. However, my husband would go and visit him over there. That stopped on or about four years ago when drama exploded. His BM1 began creating emails and emailing me making it seem that my husband was having affair over there. Then his son called up my sister in law (my husband's brother's wife) telling her that my husband was cheating. Therefore, I told him I was done with him if he continued to go over there without me. Two years ago we went for Christmas to visit my relatives in another town. His son flew out there and was supposed to stay there with us for on or about 15 days. Those days were cut short. His son began making comments like as if his father had something to do with his mother when he would visit without me. Them he didn't want to go out with us and just wanted to stay home playing games. He was being rude and hitting my son. On one occasion I asked him to help me organize the room along with my son, when he just walked out on me. I gave him as a Christmas present a wallet with money and he took the money out and threw the wallet leaving it there. He also left without saying thank you or good bye to me. It really hurt me that I tried my best and was just treated like a piece of SXXt.
BM2-he has a court order. But she always creates drama where there should be none. She makes up stories. Since he is working out of the country he only sees her when he comes. I sort of told him to leave it alone because we had spent to much money going to court and nothing ever got resolved. She would always end up having the upper hand. For two years we stopped communicating with her because even calling her was an issue. Plus her moving around and not providing her address. One day she called me said that she was sorry and wanted her daughter to have a relationship with her dad. That was more of a 'Sorry, not sorry" kindda thing. She is the evil BM from hell. One time she got all upset because they were at a McDonalds for supervised visit. My husband took our son (I was not there). His daughter asked her mother for ice cream. She went and got her and her two other kids ice cream and returned to the play area. All the other kids had ice cream except for mine. My son asked my husband for ice cream as well and he got up and got him ice cream. She started with her drama saying that he loved my son more than his daughter and arguing why didn't he get up to buy their daughter ice cream.
Point being is she is trouble. You just never know what she is going to do or say.