Growing Negative Feelings Toward SD10
Hello parents,
I came across this site today while googling "how to deal with an annoying step child". I have read through some of the forum posts and it's great to know how common my issues seem to be. I don't have any children of my own so I am here looking for some advise on how to deal with my annoying step daughter aged 10 and my growing negative feelings towards here.
Background:
I have been dating the bio-father for 2 years, he is a US citizen, I am a UK citizen.
The bio-mother is a constantly misses arranged visits and telephone calls.
Step-daughter was raised poorly by bio-mother so bio-father got full custody after a long court battle when when she was 4 years old.
I have been staying with the bio-father and my step daughter for 1 month so far on a trial run of if I feel I would be able to move to the US on a permanent basis and live with them.
And now for my situation:
My step daughter is a very affectionate girl, she has been telling me she loves me for the last year and a half, I have been unable to say it back though trying to manage expectation if things don't work out with me and her father, or at least I was to begin with but since actually trying to live here I don't feel a time will come where I will ever love her.
My boyfriend stays in bed until the afternoon and recently there have been a lot of school holidays so I feel I have been lumbered with her, by the time my BF gets up I've usually got a headache and am in a terrible mood. I've taken to hiding in the bedroom until my BF gets up so that I'm not alone with my step daughter and even right now I am hiding in the spare room because I know if my step daughter hears I am awake she will be on me in a second and will not leave me alone for the rest of the day.
She does not leave me alone no matter how many times I tell her, her attention seeking is constant from going on about stupid things, to making noises, blatantly asking me to look at something, poking me to get my attention, pretending to be an animal and asking me to fuss her and so on. She never shuts up and I never get a moments peace and it's driving me insane.
She is forgetful and is very slow in the head, talking to her is like talking to a brick wall, she never remembers what she is told and her speech and reading are appalling for her age. I try to help her with her reading and speech but her ignorance and defiance irritates me. She is lazy and already has a serious attitude problem when you try to tell her something or ask her to do something, she is constantly pushing boundaries and things she knows everything. She will ask you a question and tell you you're wrong when you give her the answer. She is very disrespectful with possessions, she throws my things around and treats them like garbage as she does her own toys and clothes. She can't keep anything neat. I really feel I could help her but I can't seem to get over the amount she irritates me and I find myself wishing she had stayed with her bio-mother.
I have worked in Kindergartens for years, I love kids and always wanted to be a mother but my step daughter is making me feel like I never want to have children. I would really appreciate any advise on how I can manage this situation and my own feelings toward her, as each day passes I find her less and less tolerable and I'm worried I will end up hating her. I love her father and I want to be with him so I need to make things work with his daughter too.
Sorry for going on and on, I've been keeping this all bottled up lol
@ LadyFace: Thank you for
@ LadyFace: Thank you for your reply, it made me feel a lot better about myself, I was starting to think that I would be a terrible mother when I always thought it was what I was supposed to do with my life. I guess I need to spend sometime looking at this situation as a whole, whereas I have apparently isolated an issue and put it on the child rather then where the blame should be.
: Gimlet: Thank you for your reply, I hadn't thought of the issue being with my boyfriend, I guess it's that whole love is blind thing. You made me think that I am assigning blame in the wrong place. I think I really need to confront my boyfriend with my issues and see if he is willing to pull his weight, I did enter into this relationship knowing full well he had a daughter from the start but did not expect to feel like a single parent.
She is very needy, she has a distant mother who she adores but is constantly letting her down, keeping promises and breaking them, and where she lives is the countryside (it's a farm) there is no one here her own age and no one for her to play with. She has had counselling and as far as I know it is ongoing at school, she also had remedial lessons for reading and math. Adults around her seem to bend over backwards for her, whereas I was raised in a more strict environment and so treat children as I was raised so bending over backwards for a kid doesn't really happen for me.
Please figure out first and
Please figure out first and before you make any decisions if he is the type of guy that would compromise for you the same way you would compromise for him. Also, if you move in you will become an instant mother. Thats extremely difficult to avoid in my opinion.
lol run, run fast made me
lol run, run fast made me laugh.
I wanted to say a big thank you all for the advise here, I guess it's a case of love is blind and I really hadn't see the perspective of my boyfriend causing a big part of the issue here. My to-be-SD has a LOT of issues which have been caused by her BM and her BF both I think, but after posting here and collecting my thoughts I sat down with my boyfriend and discussed my issues.
Quite simply his daughter is to much for me all at once, she is needy and attention seeking and she won't leave me alone even if I tell her to, she had to be involved in everything even when me and my boyfriend are talking about something as mundane as laundry. After having a proper conversation with my boyfriend and how he was making me feel as just-a-mom said "a babysitter with benefits". He has started pulling his weight, there are now very few instances where I'm left in sole care of his child which is helping me a great deal with trying to get to know her without being overwhelmed. Damage has been done and SD is not helping but I think we can get things back on track.
You all helped me out a great deal, I love this forum