Don't think I should lower my standards just because it is a second marriage.
When you lower the bar in your marriage it is a sign that things are heading in the wrong direction.
I am just so tired of lies, even the smallest ones. If someone is going to lie to you on the small stuff imagine the lies on the big things.
If a spouse had a friend that they went out with and always lied about what they did with that friend, or what they said, or covered up money they lent. No one would want to encourage that spouse to spend time with that friend, because they are not a friend of the marriage (as my previous marriage counselor would say) But as soon as you say it is your spouse’s adult child then it is encouraged that the person spends time with that other person and the expectation is you should encourage it.
Looking at most of the situation, it is not my skid’s fault, it’s my husband’s. DH chooses to lie, choose to keep things a secret and cover them up.
My skid never told his Dad to lie to me, to cover his tracks, that is my DH’s own doing. What 21 year old kid isn’t going to be happy to shake daddy down for money that he does not have to pay back because his bio-dad has no expectations.
I was in a very long first marriage (almost 18 years) with a lying sociopath, who lied about everything, even things he did not need to lie about and I stayed way too long so my son could be raised in an intact family. My current DH knows this and how I will not tolerate being lied to. However I catch him in small lies and omissions that circle around his son. I am losing trust and respect for my DH because of this.
I have called him out on these in the past and I told him it is unacceptable and now I am faced with 2 more lies (very small) but lies none the less.
When will someone learn that it is unacceptable? Do I kick him out of the house over it (I think that is extreme) or do I just do the same ( and make sure he knows I am lying) to teach him the lesson and see where it goes from there?
We have never been to counseling however maybe it is time.
My DH has this problem too.
My DH has this problem too. A few weeks ago DH told me that he had told someone to shove it. Then a week later, when he had to face the consequences, he denied he had ever said it. I looked him straight in the eye and told him that I distinctly recalled the incident, that I would never be convinced otherwise, and that I would not discuss it further. And yes, it DOES make you lose respect for them. But it gives you the satisfaction of letting them know you will not be sucked in.
One thing -- If you plan on going to counseling write all your concerns down before the appointment. The first item should be his lying. If he will not go to counseling, please go yourself. My DH went to counseling a couple of times, then refused when real issues were brought up. I went to a counseling by myself and it made a big, big difference. I was able to stand up for myself even if it was risking divorce. She helped me to see I was worth it.
"he denied he had ever said
"he denied he had ever said it."
That is classic gaslighting. Good for you, standing up to it.
I don't nag my DH when he
I don't nag my DH when he lies. I let him know I don't believe him - once - then let him deal with the consequences on his own. If he ever took our money, sent it to SD, and lied about it he would be out.
Your words are telling him
Your words are telling him one thing, but your actions are saying another.
The message you're sending is that I will bitch about this, but I'm not willing to do anything about it. He knows he can lie to you because the consequences are pretty low. He just has to deal with the fussing for a bit, then it's business as usual.
I agree with Disneyfan and
I agree with Disneyfan and tommar (a first).
You are saying one thing, that you hate it and will not tolerate it, yet you are. You have a choice, if you don't like it, you leave. And what tommar said makes sense. You are nagging about stuff he doesn't want to confront or doesn't want to discuss, so he doesn't tell you about it or he straight out lies about it.
It is the age old issue of a man not wanting to change certain undesirable behavior and a woman who is angry with the bad behavior. It is hard, and you cannot will or force someone to change. You can only decide if you are willing to put up with it or leave. The only person whoms decisions and actions you can change are yours.
In my personal life there are certain things that are deal breakers for me. Things that I will not put up with, i have told my husband what my specific marital boundaries are, with a counselor there so he knows that what I am asking is reasonable. I have told him flat out that I am not a spring chicken but a mature woman who has learned to love herself more.
"You are nagging about stuff
"You are nagging about stuff he doesn't want to confront or doesn't want to discuss, so he doesn't tell you about it or he straight out lies about it."
And *if* that's the case, that your DH is so weak of character that he lies or evades because that's easier than being honest, or easier than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't agree with him all the time... what on earth is the appeal? I just couldn't imagine having any interest in such a lily-livered excuse of a man.
Some people lie because they
Some people lie because they are afraid of repurcussions. This sounds like your DH. Perhaps sitting down and talking to him and trying to find the root cause of his lies might help.
Obviously if he cannot stop and you are not satisfied , based on your past experience it might be time to revisit the liklehood of this marriage failing.
Do not lower your standards because this is a 2nd marriage - you will be miserable for a long time if you do.
But it isn't a deal breaker
But it isn't a deal breaker for her because she is still with him
I didn't read all the
I didn't read all the comments, but here are my two cents:
If this marriage is not meeting your needs, and you have no kids with this man, then get out. Life is to precious to spend time with someone who pushes your buttons, and for you, it's lying.
Neither of my husbands are liars, so I know there are non-lying men around.
If you went through this already, why go through it again?
I'm not sure why we are so afraid to be alone, that we'd rather stay with someone and be annoyed. I really enjoyed my single days.
Plus, in my mom's senior community, the happiest women are the widows. The others are bitter and exhausted from dealing with grumpy, sick husbands.
My DH will do this. Not evil
My DH will do this. Not evil lies, not awful lies, just little lies of omission or tiny lies to make something he knows I won't like more palatable.
It's been an issue. It might be time for counseling to get him to look at why he would prefer to lie and risk your outrage (and potentially destroying your marriage) over telling the truth and having a small spat or coming to a compromise? Is it because he doesn't like confrontation? He doesn't want to compromise when it comes to a certain topic, like his kids? Is it because he doesn't actually agree with your stance?
There has to be a reason. He lies because it benefits him, now it's time to figure out what that benefit is.
He does not like
He does not like confrontation, he does it hoping to get away with it and never have to discuss it. - 99% of the time it is about skid21.
I do know at times he is scared of my reaction, however recently I did compromise with a situation about his son that he was avoiding a conversation on. So I think I can be reasonable and I have been better about it over the last year. At first I would really be mad. I have learned not to get so worked up about certain things. At the end of the day I do not make him lie or omit things to me, he choose to do that on his own.
I have a son as well who is 19 however it does not cause me to lie to my spouse.
I could have written your
I could have written your post, verbatim. I am in the process of getting divorced from DH number 2 for the same reason. Mine did go to therapy and was "discusing coming clean".... I did set a line in the sand regarding the lies and he crossed it. Therapy did not change him, the pattern was too ingrained and he was getting something out of it: he was doing what he wanted to do (funnel money to adult sds) and avoiding having to hear me bit*&h about it via lies, omissions, half truths, etc.
I honestly do not think therapy makes a difference. They lie because they have always lied and because it somehow works...until it doesn't. You have to decide if you can live with it or not and proceed accordingly.
I made it very clear to my soon to be ex DH that I do not "do liars". To me, marriage has to based on trust as the foundation. If there is no trust, there is no marriage. I also question if someone is capable of lies over small stuff, what big stuff are they hiding?
Good luck to you, but you have to decide what you can live with, or not
It does make me wonder the
It does make me wonder the same thing, if someone is willing to lie over the small stuff then they are willing to lie about the big stuff.
My DH use to filter funds to skid21 however that has stopped and he actually will discuss things with me for his son. He no longer gives money to his son, he has lent money recently but also tells his son to pay it back and so far he has. All the "little" lies or omissions do circle around his son. I have seen a lot of changes in DH, but I guess old habits die hard. Maybe this is one that will never change however with all the other changes he has made in the last year I think it is possible.
So sorry to hear that.
So sorry to hear that. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, there is no coming back from that. I hope your state/Province does not have laws that prevent you from selling your house without DH's consent, I know where I live the married not on title has to consent even if you owned the house before the marriage. My issues are on a much smaller scale then what you are dealing with.
People lie for many reasons.
People lie for many reasons. The most common being a) to avoid accountability, b) to gain access to things that they want or need.
From my own personal experience, once your DH lies about HIS children, he will most likely always lie about them. You being a 'nag' has nothing to do with his lying. Does he lie because you nag or do you nag because he lies? It's completely HIS choice. He could calmly state that he will raise his children the way he wants, and you have the option to either suck it up and accept that, or you decide that you don't want to live that life with him. His lying keeps you from making the best decision for YOU! These men fear losing what they have for what they want. Plain and simple. Unfortunately, someone has to pay the price for it, and it's seldom the hubby or his kids. Now having said that.... you now have a choice yourself. Put up with his lying or take yourself out of the equation. Every action has a consequence. He lies and you _____?
Love yourself more than that.
My XH lied all the time about his kids. It didn't help that his parents, kids, and even the BM encouraged him to lie to me, by telling him that his decisions were not MY business. I finally decided to love myself more.