I don't like my 4 year old stepdaughter :(
Hi guys. This is my first post after stumbling accross this website.
So, my partner has a 4 year old daughter and I just can't seem to bond with her. I have tried and tried again. The weird thing is, she likes me. I just look at her and see a spoilt little brat though and I feel awful for it.
She has no manners what so ever, it's only ever "I want". When I was her age I was taught "I want doesn't get, it's can I and please". It really annoys because despite my efforts to drill some manners into her, we only have her every other weekend so by the time she gets back its gone again. She cries every time she doesn't get what she wants and it can even be as petty as this... She will cry because she wants her drink. Her drink is on the table 2 feet away from her. There's nothing stopping her from getting up and having it. Why is she crying?!?!
Every Friday night she goes to bed just fine and usually pretty good. On Saturdays though it's a different story. It's like the novelty of being with us has worn off and she starts playing up saying she wants to go back to mummy's and she hates sleeping here and it takes ages for us to try and get her down. When she says those things it breaks my partners heart every time because she is the apple of his eye.
Along with that, she snatches things, she's impatient and she expects things to be done for her.
My partner, getting better now with my guidance, used to literally do everything for her. Ask her to put her toys away, she'd put one thing in a box and it would be that slow that he'd done all the rest. In effect, he's cleaned up.
I feel like an evil stepmom and I hate that I don't like her. But she is just a spoiled little brat! I know it's just her aswell because my previous relationship had 2 children and I adored the bones of them! So frustrated 
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Im sorry to be so harsh but
Im sorry to be so harsh but at 4 years old this child is the pure product of her upbringing. And that is your partners fault as well as the BM.
She has no manners? She cries when she doesnt get her own way? You have been trying to drill manners into her? But what about her dad? Where is he in all this?
Shes saying see wants to go back to BM and it breaks your boyfriends heart...well, newflash, kids say things, sometimes they say things that have been drilled into them, sometimes they say what they think people want to hear and sometimes they say dramatic things just for the effect.
SD says she wants to go back to BM, daddy gets upset, coddles her? Then what? SD knows shes got power over her father.
We only have SD5 every other weekend, SD5 gets to rule the roost with her BM (seriously dont think BM has ever used the word no) but here its a totally different story. Kids can learn and kids NEED to learn that different households have different rules. If you go to visit a friend and they have a "shoes off" rule but in your house you dont, do you follow their rule? Do you respect their wishes in their house? Yes, unless you suck, and for kids its no different.
Theres rules (or not) at BMs house, but dads house is dads house, HE needs to be upholding those rules.
Perhaps if her father stepped up and parented her then you would be more able to build some form of bond with her. But if dad is happy bending to the "I wants" of his 4 year old, then you may well find the reason you cant bond with her is because subconsciously you realise the guy has little spine and you start to resent the person that displays that. In this case, his daughter.
But ultimately if you cant stand a kid at 4, then get out, most parents pull their hair out over their own children at various stages and most openly admit to hating their kids behavior during teen years. For steps its SOOO much harder, if you cant build a bond with her age 4 you have no hope come age 14
Not going to lie age four is
Not going to lie age four is a hard year. At least it is for us. The day SS turned four it was like he flipped a switch. We never had terrible twos or threes, just fours. I'm hoping he flips his switch back off when he turns five haha but I'm not counting on it. It's true that if she doesn't have manners or respect now then it will only get worse. I've read countless times that by four the children have developed their personality so if she's a brat and no one is correcting her then she will most likely grow up feeling entitled. You won't make much of a difference with EOWE so I would advise you step back, disengage a little bit or all the way if you want, but you need to go ahead and make it clear to yourself and everyone else that she is not a result of you, her upbringing does not reflect on you as a parent and you aren't her parent. This will keep you from always being the bad guy. If you're the only one making her behave then expect her to hate you, BM to hate you and your partner to blame you for all problems y'all have with her. So step back and just be the fun Aunt, and if that doesn't work because she's still too bad then disengage completely.
I read your bio. You have
I read your bio. You have been with this guy for 3 years and your SD is 4. So for 3/4 of her life you have been there. So why has NOTHING stuck by now?
I suspect your SO thinks she is perfect and does not need parenting. Or he is not engaging in these learning times because it is 'womans work' to raise the child/ren. Hence why you are in his life from the time his daughter was a baby. Cynical? Maybe. But it certainly would be a bonus to have a woman around to help you take care of your little girl.
This is what I do with my grandson ... who is 4 ....
GS - I want a drink
Me - Excuse me?
GS - I want a drink
Me - Sorry, I can't hear you
GS - *shouting* I WANT A DRINK!
Me - I think you have forgotten your manners.
GS - I want a drink Grandma Mum
Me - I think you are forgetting how to ask properly
GS - May I have a drink please, Grandma Mum?
Me - Certainly! Juice or water?
This isn't teaching but reinforcing what he already knows. She needs to get a clue as to what works in her best interest. And if your SD doesn't play the game, just say "If you cannot remember how to ask nicely you will have to get your Daddy. I cannot do anything for people without good manners."
As Maxwell said, be the fun aunt. She has a mother and father. This is their job to raise her and teach her manners etc. Just be the fun person. He bathes her, makes her food if she wants something different. Cleaning up her toys? Make it a game. Set your phone to stopwatch and tell her if she can clean up in 5 minutes she gets *treat of choice*. It can be computer time, a favourite TV show of her choosing (within limits). Which means if you have to watch Frozen for the nth time, so be it.
She will work it out. She wants praise and rewards she will up her game. Just leave all the crappy stuff to her father. You will enjoy her more. I think he is expecting you to be the quasi-mother. She has a mother. You are not it.And So has to get on board to work this out. I would actually tell him that being the backup parent isn't good for you. So you are not going to be the other-parent anymore and be her fun aunt instead. Just clue him why you are backing off.
4 year olds are difficult, I
4 year olds are difficult, I can honestly say I LOVE MY KIDS AND SKIDS, except for one year of their life, when they were 4.
I have friends with 4 year olds, I like their kids but, 4 years old is a HARD age.
At 2 they scream "no"
At 3 they saY no and tell you where to go
At 4, forget it every moment is a battle
Best advice I got for dealing with a 4 year old it to pick your battles, they want to dress them self and look like orphans, let them.
They want to not say "please" and "thank you" correct them.
It all starts again at 14, lol
Stay strong, next year she will start K or preschool and it gets better when they have to follow the rules with others their age.