So, the situation is this ... when BF and I met I was employed, he was in chemo and separated but living under the same roof at BM. Chemo ended, she moved out and to the opposite side of town, I moved in (when I was in town, as I traveled a LOT for work) we got my house ready to be moved back into (they were loosing their house in a foreclosure/bankruptcy), we moved into my house and I got laid off. Their divorce is still in process. We share custody of the boys 50/50, we have them Monday and Tuesday nights and every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They agreed that whoever is responsible for that night is responsible for the day once the boys have been dropped off in the morning ... I still question this since most holidays that close school, etc. are on Mondays!

I'm still looking for work. So is BF.

BF and BM had made a lot of "agreements" before I came into the picture.

Maintaining Friendship One of their primary agreements was that they wanted to stay friends, not just for the boys sakes, but also because they liked each other as people. I understood this, I am still on friendly terms with my EH, we talk maybe once a month on-line or on the phone and see each other a couple times a year (it was more when I was traveling and before I got involved with BF because he used to be the one to look after my (previously our) cats while I was on the road.) But while I'm on friendly terms with my EH, neither of us has any say in the others lives, we don't hang out, we have some common interests and friends and our paths cross from time to time. But this is one of the things that I find that BM uses to keep BF under her control. But more about that later.

I'll get into more of these "agreements" as I spend more time on here I'm sure.

Keeping Posted Since I traveled so much for work, I ended up with lots of hotel points that can/could be used for free nights. If I was on a driving trip (as opposed to flying) there were times that BF would come with me if he didn't have the boys, or meet me along the way on my way home. It was a nice way to get away from everything and reconnect. Because of this, BM asked BF to let her know before he left town ... since he was unemployed, taking care of daytime emergencies and sick children was his responsibility ... at that point she had said she would pay for daycare until he was employed ... this made sense and he agreed to it.

Fast forward to when we moved into my house and we started paying 1/2 of the daycare costs. BF was still responsible for daytime emergencies and taking care of sick children, I figure this is his prerogative.

Fast forward again to my now being unemployed, we're still paying 1/2 of the daycare costs and driving the boys 1/2 hour each way (1 hour round trip if there are no traffic delays) to and from school and daycare. (BM lives 5 minutes from both school and daycare.) We're strapped for cash, but trying to do our best on unemployment insurance. We have one car that works dependably (mine) and another that starts sometimes (his - she kept the newer car and car payment.) I don't have issues with driving the boys to school/daycare and picking them up on our days, what I have issues with is when one of them is sick on one of her days, she not only expects us to watch them, but also to pick the boys up from her place.

So, here's what I'm having issues with right now ... yesterday, after we dropped the boys off, we drove up to see BF's mom who lives in a town about an hour away, I suggested that he might want to let BM know that we were going, but his interpretation of the agreement to keep posted was if we were going on a trip, not just going to visit his mom and he didn't want to have to be responsible for telling her everything we do on what is considered our day. Ten minutes from his mom's house BM calls, SS6 is sick and needs to be picked up from school, he tells her that we're in his mom's town - she starts lecturing him about how he's supposed to let her know before he goes on a trip, and it's not fair because she has an important work meeting. He tells her that he's not in the mood for a lecture and that we won't be able to pick up SS6.

While we were at his mom's he texted BM to see how SS6 was doing. On our way home I suggested that we might call to see how things were going as we would be passing by. She was at home with him, but hadn't taken him anywhere to be looked at, and wanted US to pick him up and take him to a clinic! BF was going to do this and then if it looked like something that would cause SS6 to be home today, bring him home with us since we'd be watching him today. In the middle of our discussing what I thought would be best (like she should have ALREADY taken him to see a doctor in the four hours she had him), we got a phone call from BM saying SS6 wanted her to take him, not us, so that's what she was going to do.

We got home and got a message that there's nothing that the minute clinic (she didn't want to take him to the doctor or standard clinic) saw that needed a prescription, but she thought that he'd probably be staying home today, did we want her to bring him over last night and if he was better in the morning we could drive him to school, or did we want to come pick him up in the morning if he didn't go to school? (!!!) Since he's in an "I hate school" phase right now, my suggestion was that if he came over here, it would already be in his head that he wasn't going to school, so that it would be better to stay at his mom's. I also pointed out to BF that if SS6 was sick in the morning, it really was her responsibility to get him to us if were were going to watch him, not for us to drive an hour and use the gas to go pick him up for her. Her comment on the phone when we said he should stay at her place overnight was that she had an important meeting in the AM and BF had to be there to pick up SS6 by 8AM.

So at 7AM this morning (oh, and when we have the boys, we all get up at 6, because we have to be out of the house by 6:50 in order to get SS6 to his bus on time) she calls to say she thinks SS6 needs to stay home and BF needs to come get him.

I started having respiratory issues last night, asthma and bronchitis, I told BF I wasn't up to going with him. As it turned out, SS6 went to school after his dad talked with him, and SS4 came home with dad because he was sick (but wanted to go to school)... and about an hour ago, SS4 decided he was feeling well enough to go to school, my suggestion (which got a sigh and eye-roll) was to call BM and tell her she could come get him on her lunch and take him to school. But BF just got back from driving him.

What is reasonable and customary when there is a sick child in a family with split custody? Am I crazy to expect some responsibility on her part since we're paying 1/2 of their care, that we shouldn't be expected to be responsible for all of their sick care?

Sigh. I'm glad the boys are feeling better. I wish I was.