Lack of attention! Constant fighting! Help!
I'm not sure if I should call it quits on my relationship. My fiancé of 2 years has a 5 year old daughter nearly full-time. She visits her maternal grandmother once a week and every other weekend. The mother lives in another state and visits every other month and in the summer. I moved in right before he got her almost full-time, our relationship was still very new and young. As time goes on, I feel as though we have just become an instant family. He expects me to act as her mother, and for the most part I feel guilted into it because he works long hours compared to my normal 40 hour work week. We have a mortgage together now, and he feels pressured to work long days to meet our current bills. I don't have the option of overtime. The child is very sweet and follows me around nearly nonstop. She actually seems closer to me than him. However, I feel as though all of my freedom has been stolen, before both of them I was able to go and do whatever I pleased. I'm in my mid-twenties. Furthermore, we never have time together, never go anywhere, and rarely do anything but work and take care of her. On top of it all, he wants to go back to court to remove the grandmother's visitation because he thinks she spoils her too much and its unstable for her to go back and forth. I am so sick of everything being about her and visitation and her best interest. Is it wrong for me to want some attention? I want to do normal couple things. I have told him everything, I have told him to step up with her care, I have told him to see the grandmother as a babysitter and the time as a break for us. It doesn't ever change though, he's obsessed with getting her full-time and keeping them away. I'm tired of the battle, I'm tired of not receiving the attention I deserve. I love him so very much, and we have a beautiful house together. I just don't know how to make things better if he won't yield. We fight over it so much now, nearly every day has a battle. I don't have family in the state to stay with, I moved here because of him and his custody requirements (he can't relocate). I don't know how to leave even if I wanted. The house is in my name too. I'm so confused. Any advice?
That is so very hard. You
That is so very hard. You really didn't know what you were getting into. It is one thing to plan to have kid, spend nine months getting ready for the kid, bonding with a baby and then being where you are at. It is so hard, but the payoff is that you love your little one so very much. But to go into family life, which is truly mundane, is so very hard.
I would carve out alone time for yourself. Spend time doing things that you like to do. Or you will end up resenting the kid. I have bios with my dh, and I resent having to give so much of myself. There is no me time. It is always about the kids.
You need to decide if this is what you want right now. If it isn't then start detaching and putting way money so you can move away or find your own place. It isnt bad to want something else for your life.
Is BM contributing to the
Is BM contributing to the child's financial upbringing at all? Doesn't sound like it. That should be the first step.
My personal opinion only- If
My personal opinion only- If Grandma is stable and her only fault is "spoiling" her granddaughter, I would be bringing her more into the picture. If you need "alone" time, which I completely understand, and he is working long hours, why can't grandma have her a little more? I have my grandson more than she does and I don't share custody with my daughter. It's just that we spend time together having fun. It may not be time spent alone with him, but it is time that you can focus on yourself. And maybe if he sees that you are focusing on yourself it might me an eye opener that he should focus just a little more on you too. I agree with tommar24365 that this is the life we all lead with our own bio kids. You steal whatever time you can for couple's time. If Grandma has her every other weekend- why are you not taking advantage of this time and living it up as a couple? You have to make your life what you want it to be. If he's not willing to meet you halfway then you might need to jump ship.
He is a prototypical guilty
He is a prototypical guilty dad raising a COD. He will not catch a clue without severe pain being applied and that may mean coming home from an extended work day to find a for sale sign in the yard of the house and a packing crate in the driveway.
I would be interested to know if the maternal grandmother actually has court ordered visitation. It is not common by my understanding and if it is not in fact court ordered then your SO does not have to give MGM shit for time with the kid. Usually grandparent time must occur on the parent's time. In our case Sperm GrandHag and Sperm Grandpa got their visits in on the SpermIdiot's time.
Good luck either way you choose to go.