I didn't really have a choice...
So this is just me thinking 'out loud'. So most of us can't stand the "you knew what you were getting into/ knew what he had" type phrases we hear. My own mom told me that yesterday and it started a discussion. Yeah, I knew he had a kid. She says I had a choice. Here is my background- dh and I dated for about a year. (years after dh and bm broke up, btw.) We were mid-twenties. I was wanting to find someone to settle down with when we met. Until dh, I had never dated anyone with kids. In fact, that was an immediate 'no' until I met dh. During that time I had very limited time around ss. When I was around him I could play the fun gf role & treated ss like the kids I babysat or like a nephew. I still wasn't sure about dating a guy with a kid and certainly didn't want to be a sm. As much as I loved dh, I was really torn. Where was this site back then? Anyway, I wound up pregnant. Totally unplanned. (I was naive. Didn't think being on antibiotics and bc could be that big of a risk...) I grew up in the Bible belt and grew up with Biblical principles, so of course, next step was to get married. It's not like we were kids anyway. We had tossed around the idea beforehand although not too seriously. So, my choice was to have my baby grow up without a fulltime dad or marry dh despite him having a kid already. I chose for my baby to have a fulltime dad. No regrets there. But I chose for MY baby. I did not marry dh to become a sm. I did no want to be a sm. I did not agree to being responsible for ss. I did want to be with dh and I did want my baby to have a fulltime dad.
I told my mom this when she said I had a choice. Yes, I had a choice. I chose what was best for my child. And he has been a good dad to dd and our other bios as well. He's also been a good husband. I could've not married him, sure. But then my dd would've grown up without a dad too. I became a sm but not by choice. I guess that's why I feel trapped now. Three kids later, I'm pretty much 'stuck'. Don't get me wrong- I love my hubby. Just feel stuck in this role of sm that I never really wanted. Thanks for listening, if you read this!
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Comments
Good post, Tx
Good post, Tx
Thx. Just struggling right
Thx. Just struggling right now. Sometimes I wish I could just throw a full-blown toddler tantrum and scream, "I don't wanna do this!! I don't wanna be a stepmom!" And we're non-custodial!!
I want to scream the same
I want to scream the same thing every day. We are custodial and about to have our first child together. It's not going so hot.
For me the drama is not
For me the drama is not associated with the Skid(s), it is associated with their tragically flawed BioParent.
I did not marry the flawed BioParent but I have to suffer the idiocy of the tragically flawed BioParent.
I did not chose to accept the idiot bioparent and their idiocy but I am stuck with them none the less.
Hang in there. At least you got a good husband and father for your kids out of the deal.
Bingo Rags! This is how I
Bingo Rags! This is how I feel, I did NOT sign on for BM and her stupid antics.. unfortunately I think that falls in the "for better or worse" part of the marraige vows.
I'll admit that I tend to let my hatred of BM overshadow how I feel about SS. If BM didn't exist, I think SS and I would have a much better relationship.. but right now it is what it is.
Well said.
Well said.
When people say.."well you
When people say.."well you knew he had an ex and kids when you got involved"... is such a double standard.
Your DH also knew that you were childless when he met you. He had a "choice" too. He also KNEW that you were not the biological mother SS. He also ought to have KNOWN where your responsibilities regarding this child lay.
Its like society expects SMothers to know what their roles and boundaries are at the get go and because of this, have no right to complain. We should just KNOW what to expect.
Hogshit! If that's true..then these Fathers and Husbands should just KNOW as well that Stepparents have no expected responsibilities toward their children other than those that they chose. A stepparents involvement with stepchildren is a their right, not their obligation.
I like your comment...and I
I like your comment...and I agree 100%...in addition, the idiot BM ALSO knew that she would no longer have her hands on DHs money and she'd have to support her own behind...but that hasn't stopped her from trying to control our house and get every penny she can!!! Nobody says anything to her about it...sigh
Agree 100%!!! I get you. I
Agree 100%!!! I get you. I was ready to leave DH over the crazy witch and his loser daughter...for over 10yrs I was told I would never have kids because of a tumor I had...I was constantly on medication, etc...oops! freaking tumor disappeared, had 2 MRIs done because doctors could not figure out how it just disappeared if I stopped taking the medication that was making me so ill that I could barely go to work...and well, there I was pregnant...I was not happy...I ADORE my son, love him to pieces...but I can assure you that had it not been for my son being born, I would not be here...I thought the same as you...sadly, sometimes I wonder if I was stupid for sticking around...he's a great husband most of the time, he's a great father most of the time, etc...everyone adores him...our son adores him...but honestly, I wasn't intending on being in this hell hole with a crazy ex-wife and a idiot 16yr baby mamma...sigh...wish I could go back in time...and I'd be OUT! I even thought about suing my freaking doctors who told me for over 10yrs I couldn't get pregnant...sigh
Exactly. I wouldn't trade my
Exactly. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, but... My dh is the same way. He's a good husband MOST of the time and a good dad when ss isn't around. Our only major fights have been ss related. Sigh....
Hindsight is 20/20. I met dh
Hindsight is 20/20. I met dh when ss was 1. He was 2 when we married. When I "got into it" ss was a sweet, loving little toddler. BM was happy that dh was happy and that I was a nice person. She was pretty hands off and welcoming. Dh had no indicators of being a guilty parent, but displayed good parenting skills for a toddler and was good with my children. So, yes, I did know what I was getting into-unfortunately everyone changed what I got into it.
Wish in one hand and shit in
Wish in one hand and shit in the other .... which one fills up first? Your DH sounds like the poster Dad for this experiment.
My wife and I do not have the challenge of blending two sets of kids. My SS is an only child in our house.
On the SpermIdiot side of his family though my SS is definitely treated as a second class citizen because he is the only SpermIdiot spawn that is not a resident of SpermLand.
On their side he is not allowed to be a dynamic and intelligent young man. He is expected to be a cute kid who likes doing cute kid stuff.
In his real world he is expected to perform to his potential and engage in an age appropriate manner.
My wife will step up and parent our son but nearly as readily as I will.
So, I have evolved my perspective to be "if you don't like how I parent then you better step up and get it done before I have to. If you don't I sure will not hesitate to get it done."
When she settles in to her ignore the kid's crap mode eventually she will step up because she invariably thinks that I am too hard on the kid. The funny thing is that she is far harder on him when she parents and disciplines him than I ever am.
Maybe the "step up and get it done before I have to" philosophy will influence your DH to step up.
I feel your pain. I used to
I feel your pain. I used to take my struggles as a SD to my parents, but that came back to bite me big time. Most recently, this past Christmas we all traveled to my folks place for a 7-day stay (we live pretty far away). One word to describe this holiday: disaster. My older brother confronted me in front of the entire family, told me I was in the wrong in how I dealt with my SS16. My Mom started crying. DW was pissed & embarrased at SS16 for disrespecting me in front of my family. She told me something very important afterwards, "We have our story." Only we know what we have been through with this situation and what is real. Others will advise based on their compassion for children, but they will most likely have no idea about the damage a disrespectful child/young man can do to a blended household.
So, yes, I did knowingly enter into this marraige with everything and everyone that came with it, but I did not sign up to be treated like an idiot and have no choice but to take it. Needless to say, I no longer confide in my parents when things get tough. I just take it as best I can and focus on our bios (4 & 6) who probably suffer the most when our home is turned into a circus behind SS16's antics.