maybe he's finally getting it (more venting, LOL)
So I've be doing alot of thinking about this engagement. We're planning on a wedding around valentines day next year. Although I love my bf more than anything in the entire world I will not settle for anything less than being #1.I have been married before for 8 long years and I will not go into a marriage unless all issues are worked out beforehand as I am not going though another divorce. We have been talking alot lately and even went to see a counsellor. I have narrowed it all down to one problem. He is worried about upsetting his ex. Everytime he has let me down or done something to piss me off it is because he didn't want to upset BM. Well, I told him "I have to be your first priority, BM should not be even on your list of priorities." His concern is that she is unstable and generally unhappy with life and if he makes her mad than she will punish the daughter. All I can say to this is that it's too bad he choose to have a child with such an unstable person. I don't know what the hell he was thinking but if we're going to be together for the long haul he has to put me first. Kids grow up and then (hopefully) we won't have to deal with the cranky bitch anymore. If he wants to be alone than continue pleasing her because no other woman will settle for second either. I said he should let her know that he has grown some balls and that it is all about him and I now. It has nothing to do with her. I was ready to pack my bags but to my surprise he actually agreed with me. Now we just have to see what happens when an actual situation comes up in which he has to chose my happiness or hers. Before I get attacked I do know that kids are a huge priority too, however, if the marriage is not good and strong than the kids won't be happy either. Also, they grow up and have families of their own and I believe that one day the SD will be happy her dad has someone that he loves and that loves him. My kids already love my bf so that really isn't an issue. My ex even stopped by and had a coffee with him. As strange as that is it made me really happy that we can all get along, all except for crazy BM, that is.
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Looks like you and I are in the same boat.
except we are planning our marriage in July this year. Or at least we were. I was married before for 6 years, he was married before for 2 years. He gives me a lot of attention and I know we love each other but he continues to feel the need to make sure BM is happy. When talking to her about his daughter schedule or anything else about his daughter he doesn't make statements...its always "is that okay?" I am like ok grab your balls and be a man. TELL her what the deal is don't ask her. He is just as much daughters parent as BM is. He says (though I don't believe him as they can't stop the BFF crap) that he wants her out of his life completely and all I can say to him at that point was well, you should have thought about that when you were trying to have a child with her. That is when a thought should cross the mind as to "HHHHHHMMMMMMMMM do I want to be linked to this person for the rest of my life?" My ex gets along with him and my BF adores my daughter as she adores him. The biggest problem in our relationship is BM(#2). So I too sit in the boat with you wondering if I should continue on with this relationship. From the things I have read on here, it doesn't seem like it gets much better.
Let's vote
OK, let's take a vote. I've been told that you can never expect to be #1, that the kids come first. Well, I am an ex step mom and a bio mom, and involved with a man that has 2 girls.
So ladies..let's take a vote..do you think the skids should be #1 or the wives??
I'd like to know what you think.
I think the Partner
comes first. Providing a solid foundation for parenting and teaching/demonstrating what a healthy relationship can look like. MY DH didn't think so until I gave him this analogy...Even on an airplane they tell you to put the airmask over your face before assisting the children. You aint any good to others unless your strong yourself!!!
Nope it doesn't sound like
Nope it doesn't sound like it gets any easier from what I've read. I'm just curious how long you two have been together. We've been together for 20 months and I finally had to put my foot down about the BM. I think he knows that I'm serious. The next time he tries to make BM happy that results in me being unhappy... I'm out of here. I can't live that way. I really do think he'll change but we'll have to wait and see. Why don't any of the bio-dads have balls when it comes to the ex? It makes it very frusterating for their new girlfriends and how can they not realize this? In my bf's case I believe it's guilt for not being there for his daughter and guilt that the BM is such a nutcase.
Did ya ever wonder
.
Makes me thankful
I so sorry that some of you feel this way. Trust me, I too hated it in the begining. BM's state of mind always came first because the girls are with her. The endless phones calls with 'them' talking about what 'she' needed. The suicide attempt was one of my favorites. Cutting her wrists for attention. Gotta love it.
But thank God my BF's balls slowly grew back again. I know he cares about her wellbeing, that's only natural. But I do come first, we come first, then the kids and lastly her. I can honestly say, if I didn't see the change over, I would not be still planning on marring him.
Best wishes to you all. Jo
Hmm
Hmm..I think our spouse SHOULD come first..but in reality for us when push comes to shove the kids feelings always win out. (For christmas DH spent $135 on a sentimental gift from his kids to the BM cause he didn't have the heart to tell his kids no. AND he never told me cause he knew it was "wrong" in my eyes.) So, his decision was to chance hurting me than his kids feelings. I will give him one more chance but if he keep making that choice...it's not going to work.
I agree. It's up to him now.
I agree. It's up to him now. If it can't be our relationship first, then the kids, then whatever or whoever else he wants to put on his priority list I will leave also. I think he does get it, at least he says he does. I'm waiting for the next situation in which he has to act on it though.
Choosing to make your
Choosing to make your marriage your first priority does not equate to choosing your new spouse over your children. When there's a divorce, that means the relationship is OVER and you are no longer responsible for the feelings, behaviors, actions of your former partner. You are not responsible for their happiness. You do not have to modify your goals, hopes, dreams, plans just to curb their behavior. That's ridiculous. Whatever the ex does or doesn't do, that should have no affect on how we live our lives. They are responsible for their own behavior. They can choose to deal with negatives in a positive way or not, but their reaction or anticipated reaction should never affect the decisions we make for ourselves and our families. When the relationship ends, so does the blame... each person is responsible for their own happiness or lack thereof. Basically, dawnmblack, I don't think your BF should feel like he has to live his life in accordance with his ex's dictates and you should certainly never feel like she comes first and you come second (or even further down on the list). So I hope that he does "get it" now and can show you that he is ready and able to put this change into effect. And I hope you have the strength to hold off on marrying him until things do change permanently. There's a lot of guilt, but he has to understand that her actions/reactions/feelings are not his fault, but her own.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Thanks Anne, you have said
Thanks Anne, you have said it perfectly. I am going to make sure he reads your post. I did give my bf my user name and password and I know he scans through things I have written. I think it actually has helped quite alot.
I'm going to do the same...
If he reads anything I've written and doesn't get it, or try to understand it...what sense does it make to stay together? I need someone who at least tries to understand how I feel..and cares.