What The...!?!
Friday night BM called DH to talk to SS13, yell at him actually. She does this all the time - Calls when the boys are with us and yells at them about stuff that happened at her house. DH has pointed this out to BM a number of times, telling her how stupid this is - BM never listens, but I digress.
Anyway BM was upset because she asked SS13 to clean his room. When she was checking to make sure SS13 had done the chore BM noticed that SS13 had plates stuffed under his mattress :?
Now I don't get why SS13 did that but DH thought it was hilarious. I'm just glad SS13 doesn't do it here. We have a strict no food in bedrooms rule. I'd be steaming if he did something like that here.
~BettyRay
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I understand your
I understand your perspective. But in our case this is an established pattern. BM yells at SS13 over the phone while he is at our house for things that happen at her house.
It's a pointless exercise as there is nothing that SS13 can do about it while he's with us. All it does is make SS13 upset and put a damper on his time with us.
I can totally understanding wanting to address the situation in the moment but it makes no sense when he won't be with her till Tuesday evening. And DH did talk to SS13 about it but ultimately it's up to BM to follow through. DH has talked to the boys in the past about this kind of stuff not being okay and usually BM doesn't follow through with a punishment so stuff like this keeps happening at her house.
The skids don't do this kind of thing when they are with us.
~BettyRay
BM is pretty hot headed, she
BM is pretty hot headed, she goes off and then doesn't follow through at all. It got to a point with SS18 (SS13's brother) that he hold hold the cell phone at arms length while she was ranting. SS18 wouldn't listen to her at all.
~BettyRay
As both a BM and a SM I have
As both a BM and a SM I have called my BS when he has did or not did certain things and I find out while he is at his dad's. I don't believe that waiting until they get home is the best idea. I think it allows one more time when the kids can work the situation. I wouldn't call up yelling but at 13 and at my BS's age 17, they usually have their own phones so you can just call them directly.
Most of the time SS13 forgets
Most of the time SS13 forgets his cell phone in his locker at school. Or if he does have it with him the battery is dead. SS13 and SS18 both will not answer the phone when BM calls. So BM ends up calling DH anyway.
~BettyRay
Actually, I disagree. I
Actually, I disagree. I think BM should wait until SS got back to her home and had a talk to him about the dishes then and laid out any consequences for the behavior. Calling and yelling at SS during dad's time is not ok. Especially if this is an on going theme.
My Skids have left their rooms a mess or left the computer on when told specifically to turn it off. We don't call BM's house making a fuss. We wait until they are back at our house and address the issue(s).
This is the approach I would
This is the approach I would take if I was a BM. I would wait till SS13 got home and then presented him with the consequences.
We have house rules and consequences which work great. In fact our rules and consequences are framed and hang in the kitchen - typed out, everyone signed it too
~BettyRay
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the relationship DH and BM have.
When my boys were small I could call exH and say they didn't finish chores before you got them and he'd deal with them. Same at my house, he'd say the didn't put their hockey gear away, I'm coming back to get them & make them do it.
It wasn't a control thing, that's when it's a problem.
And it didn't go on very long. Once they learned that they couldn't get away with it, it stopped. Everything was done before they left.