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Question, I am considering calling BM about ss12!

vgill's picture

Submitted by vgill on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 12:05pm

I am thinking about calling BM and letting her know (politely) that it may be a good idea if SS12 lives with her for a while, as it may be good for him. What do you think I know this is kinda DH's territory but he wouldn't do it, he is to afraid of losing his son to BM, and I tell you he is already lost! she has been coaching and pressuring SS12 for the last 5 years and he has made life miserable for me and DH and DH will admitt this is the truth! DH was most relieved when SS14 moved with his BM a year ago, and I know he would find even more peace when SS12 moves too, I think it is only a matter of time anyway, I just think the sooner the better and then they will get to se Bm for who she really is and then perhaps they will see the grass is not really greener on the other side and they may give DH and I some respect for the efforts whe have given, and they may realize who the best parents are! But I think the sooner the boys are both together living with BM the better, because it is not good for brothers to be separated, and ss12 is jelous of all of the freedom(lack of parenting) ss14 has at BM and ss12 misbehaves constantly, and ss14 is becoming a brat as an spoiled only child. it would be better for all of us if they were together at BM's!!

Comments

buttercookie's picture

Submitted by buttercookie on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 12:25pm

I would let your DH handle it unless there is a way you can "casually" bring it up. BTW Congrats on the quiet weekend.

Angel72's picture

Submitted by Angel72 on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 12:33pm

Dont call bm...it will only give her more ammunition and a reason for your dh to resent you. Even though he agrees that ss12 should move out, he dont out of guilt. ANd he wont appreciate you asking...he wont see it that way. Better that you keep doing what you are doing. Stand your ground.
I really hate to say this...but in my opinion, if you think they will 'see' their mother for what she is and treat you guys with respect...wont happen. THey'll use their mother to their benefit because they'r in their teens and because she has no rules. They wont respect you but resent you fromall her lies. When they are adults , in their mid twenties , when they get married and have kids...maybe and only maybe then will they think back. Dont hold your breath on them giving you respect or apprecation. They are being influenced by their mother and they have emotional issues that need to be addressed before they appreciate anyone around them. Including their parents.
I know it tough doing hte waiting gaem....keep sending himover to mom's every weekend until he stays there.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 1:15pm

I have to agree with the other ladies. I deal with BM sometimes too but it is small stuff. I don't talk about custody or CS--that is all on DH.

I know this affects you as much as him but if he doesn't want him to go you're going to get stuck dealing with it anyway.

I think asking DH if you could change custody arrangements may be better accepted. Going to BMs EWknd might be better...

vgill's picture

Submitted by vgill on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 1:37pm

I was thinking of just letting her know about what the teachers are saying about his anger and low selfesteem which usually stems from a feeling of abandonment by BM and low feelings of selfworth as is often the case ecspecially with teen boys as "what is so wrong with me that even my own mother doesn't want me". Also a big reason he feels he needs to be hateful to both DH and I are to see if we will leave him too. But he is also especially mean to me as he feels he may be betraying his mother by likeing me as usually is the case and even worse when BM is jelous of DH's relationship whith me and also with her boys, so she teaches them to hate us. Studies also show that BM's who do not have custody have feelings of being an inadiquate mother and try to compensate by making the step-mom the enemy in both her eyes and her childrens eyes. I feel that if she wants to create problems then she should live with the problems she has created! perhaps by letting her know about what the teachers say and what profesionals are saying without coming right out and saying take them she may offer to keep them , making it her decision and not bringing up the topic of them moving but saying the boys should no longer be separated! What dou you think?

carol's picture

Submitted by carol on Sun, 02/07/2010 - 1:42pm

What if bm tells ss12 that it was your idea he leave your home? Think that framing might be a tough hurdle for you to overcome. Sounds messy enough without good intentions backfiring. Do the best you can do with your role, but your role should not overlap into those kinds of communications with the bm.