How to respond to DH?
Hi Stalkers. I’ve been a lurker for several months now. I’ve commented here and there but have never made an intro post because I’m not really sure what to say. Honestly, in comparison to a lot of the stories on here, I have it really easy in my steplife. I’ll be really honest in saying that it took me a long time to post this blog because A) I’m afraid of someone finding this from my real life, reading it, and knowing it’s me who posted it, and 
I’m not used to putting myself out there like this on the internet.
I guess this post is looking for advice on how I can respond/talk to my husband about a recurring topic that comes up about my SS7. Quick background – DH and I married 2 years. He has SS7 from a prior relationship that comes to our house every weekend (save for a random weekend here and there). DH and I have a DS who is 18 months old.
Like I said before, SS7 is a pretty good kid compared to a lot of the skids described on this site. However, as he gets older, we are seeing his behavior somewhat deteriorate. I could probably write an entire post on that, however for now I am going to focus on the fact that he doesn’t listen to what he is told. Additionally, when he gets scolded for not doing as he is told, he tries to flip things around and make it seem like we are being oh-so-mean to him. My main concern is that I feel like it is the start of manipulative behavior and we need to handle it correctly.
So, the incident that brought on this post happened yesterday. We were at a restaurant visiting with my dad, his GF, and my brother for father’s day. We were sitting on the outside patio having drinks and we had gotten some ice cream as well (there is an ice cream stand attached to the restaurant). Hard to explain but from the outside patio it is possible to get up and walk around the entire building. We had been letting my SS get up and run around in a little grassy area next to the patio, but we said that he needed to stay where we can see him (this is a really casual small town pub).
After awhile he gets up and announces that he is going to try to run around the whole building. DH tells him, no SS, you can’t do that. I don’t want you walking in the parking lot by yourself. Stay where we can see you. So what does he do but get up and start to run around the building anyway.
DH gets up and starts to go after him. SS ends up beating him back to the table after completing his journey around the building. When DH finally gets back he is not happy and scolds him for not doing as he is told. A couple minutes later, SS tries to get up from his seat again and DH says, No SS, now you have to stay in your seat because you did not listen to me about running around the building. SS immediately pouts and starts sucking his thumb (that’s a whole other post).
When that doesn't get a reaction from anyone, he starts trying to hide his face. When that doesn’t get a reaction from anyone, he turns his chair around. When that doesn’t get a reaction from anyone, he starts to move his chair away from the table. Long story short, this goes on until my DH finally tries to have a talk with him. Without going into detail, DH asks him why he is upset and sulking and SS states that it’s “because you won’t let me get up from my seat.” This is typical SS – shifts blame to whoever “punished” him, and absolutely refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing. This goes on for awhile and I eventually go to the bathroom because it was almost time to leave. By the time I got back, it had been resolved.
I talked to DH about it later and he was definitely frustrated. I stated that in my opinion SS was looking for someone to give him attention with his sulking behavior and we should have ignored it completely. DH doesn’t want to do that because he “doesn’t want to leave it unresolved for a whole week” until he sees SS again. To me, this is somewhat selfish because DH is trying to protect his own feelings of guilt in leaving SS on a less than positive note. I feel like DH doesn’t often respond to SS’s misbehaviors in a way he should or actually wants to because he thinks he “can’t” because SS is not with us full time. I don’t know how to tell him that he needs to actually do what is right regardless because that is what a child needs. Every time I try to think of a way to say it, I feel like an insensitive jerk. And if I do manage to say something he pulls the “how would you feel if you only saw DS on the weekends” card. I don’t really know how to come back from that. Any advice? And if I’m wrong in any part of my assessment (SS's behavior, DH's response, my opinion) – please tell me as such.
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Comments
I don't have any advice. I
I don't have any advice. I live with the same thing. Can't punish Skids if it's getting close to time for them to go back to BM's house because they might be mad at him for a whole week. Makes no since because these kids can't remember anything.
I've pretty much given up. I leave it to SO to parent his kids the way he wants.
Thanks Ninji. It's good to
Thanks Ninji. It's good to know I'm not alone here. I do generally let DH parent SS but sometimes he wants to discuss it after the fact and I have a hard time finding the balance between being honest and not getting overly involved (if that makes sense).
Honestly - This is my main
Honestly - This is my main fear. When SS was still a little guy (2 years old to about 5 years old) he was pretty good. Now we are having problems, and I know that problems only get more complicated as kids get older.
I recommend a book, How to
I recommend a book, How to Behave so your kid will, too!
It has some great tips but also funny which might get your DH to enjoy the book and take away some of the tips.
Thanks PokaDotty. I'll look
Thanks PokaDotty. I'll look into this book.
Echo, you've hit so many
Echo, you've hit so many nails directly on the head. SS's BM is a total pushover and has pretty much admitted that she tries to be her kids' friend so they don't hate her. It's so obvious that the behaviors he exhibits around us are getting rewarded at BM's house.
The crazy thing about our situation is that SS isn't a typical "COD" - DH and BM were not together when he was born (long story) so he has never known a time that they have been together. He has only known Daddy/silversong's house and BM's house. Yet he is still picking up this manipulative behavior. It could just be that DH and I are so much different than BM or just the nature of being raised in two households, regardless of how the situation came to be.
Thank you for your insight and response. I hope it doesn't come to me having to distance myself, but, I have considered that it is a possibility in the future.
The parents never have had to
The parents never have had to have been together at all for a kid to pick up on any undercurrents of tension and the fact that one parent has less rules than the other. Also consistency is very VERY important.
Honestly, don't tell DH what
Honestly, don't tell DH what he needs to do or that he is doing it wrong (when it comes to your SS). Ignore Ignore Ignore. Let him parent the way he sees fit. Its probably never going to be right, but if you start getting involved in the parenting now then you will be stuck there forever. Even if hes doing something that annoys the shit out of you then just try to ignore it or politely tell DH that he needs to deal with it. Don't put in your 2 cents. It wont be worth it in the long run.
he sounds like a typical 7
he sounds like a typical 7 y.o. in desperate need of some discipline and structure.
i definitely agree with the above - let your dh parent his child the way he wants to, and you just listen with support.
That behaviour is pretty
That behaviour is pretty typical for a 6/7 year old, no kid that age likes sitting around and they get bored easily. When they get bored they act up. Setting aside the issue of how DH should manage it, because unfortunately few of us have much influence over that, a practical way to address it is to have a travel bag of activity books/puzzles which can occupy him while the adults chat. I have one for my 8,6 and 3 year olds and it just keeps everyone happy when we eat out or visit with friends or have a long car journey.
If DH struggles with discipline for fear of it souring things between visits (like so many divorced Dads) then his best bet is a reward system like a star chart where SS gains or loses credits which build up to some reward that he wants. Generally systems which focus on and promote the right behaviour, rather than punishments which highlight the bad behaviour tend to work best in changing behaviour.
However, like other posters I do think that ultimately it's a road to ruin to keep trying to influence and change DH's parenting. There should be some basic household rules which respect you and your home together but when it comes to handling SS a leopard is not going to change its spots and if you trying to make DH parent the way you think he should it will only cause friction between you and DH, and SS will learn to resent you when he sees what's going on. I spent years sticking my oar in with DH's children with all the best intentions, and what I learned is that it made very little difference to the ultimate outcome in terms of how the children turned out, and just caused a lot of resentment and stress, mostly for me!
No stepparent in the world can overcome the combined might of a fearful non custodial parent and a permissive custodial parent who is not interested in constructive co-parenting. Your best bet is to have a kind of fond but detached aunt role, parent your child according to your principles and try not to invest emotionally in how DH raises his child.
"No stepparent in the world
"No stepparent in the world can overcome the combined might of a fearful non custodial parent and a permissive custodial parent who is not interested in constructive co-parenting."
This really hit home for me because in encompasses a lot of my recent frustrations as a step mother. I have been with DH since SS was 1.5 (although we have only been married for 2 years) so for a long time DH and I parented closely together. Then again, with really little ones, parenting is easy compared to behavioral problems of older children. I think I need to accept that situations and circumstances change and maybe I do need to back off a little.
In my experience it is MUCH
In my experience it is MUCH easier to co-parent when stepchildren are young and fairly biddable, but unfortunately successful proactive stepparenting when they are little is no indicator that either child or bio parent will continue to accept and appreciate your input as the child gets older and more challenging. Or to put it more simply, it can all go pear shaped very quickly as stepchildren grow up. The safest strategy all round is to stage a tactical withdrawal and gradually back off as they grow up.
That can be difficult if you have invested a lot in your stepchild and learned to care, but what I've learned over the years is that stepparenting is like trying to balance on a rolling log: sometimes it settles for a while and you get your balance and think you've got it sorted, then new problems and situations are thrown up and you're back to trying to keep your feet and work out what on earth you're supposed to be doing.
I have a Ssstb7. He lives
I have a Ssstb7. He lives with us 26-27 days a month, more if BM decides she wants to travel and not be a mom...which is often. The behavior sounds very similar (the pouting and thumb sucking would be flailing, getting loud, going "boneless" and falling to the floor, but same general attention seeking idea) I have a DD2 with DH. I mentioned to him quietly that SS's behavior is unacceptable because DD will learn to copy it, and we don't need 2 kids with this behavior...suddenly DH found his balls and will discipline him...
However, DH does definitely still feel bad/goes easy on him sometimes if behavior goes bad just before he goes to BMs...which it always does. How does your SS do with transition? Is behavior crappy just before?
The crappy behavior
The crappy behavior definitely isn't isolated to just before transition, but I will try to be more observant around that time to see if there is any correlation or "stepping up" in behavior. Thanks for pointing that out.