I'm having a serious disagreement with my adult stepkids over Father's Day. Recently I asked about the date of a summer vacation they've been bragging to spend on a private island with their widowed stepfather and his large family of siblings. He has no children of his own, did not really get along well with stepkids until their mother passed away. Now it seems that the stepfather has convinced them that their mother's deathbed request was that they re-establish old family traditions. It appears that he's using their late mom's original child custody demands as a guide. Back in the early days of their parent's divorce (20 yrs), she insisted on celebrating father's day with her new husband's family and most major holidays like Christmas & New Year.

My husband was never happy with this arrangement. It didn't last too long before one or both kids moved in with us or moved out on their own. Over the years (16 together), my husband and I have provided tremendous support to his kids. Since their mother passed away, my SD has depended on me more for child care (7 y.o.) and I've been going along with it. I've been more active this year in getting the kids together for holidays and regular visits.

My husband was unhappy over the holidays when it seemed like our plans kept falling through at the last minute in deference to the stepdad's family. He became their priority, while Dad was Option B or C date.

Recently, my SD waited until the last week of school to expect me to provide summer childcare. In the past I had been one of four grandparents who took turns, now it's supposed to be just me. That's when I asked about their summer vacation plans. I chose not to provide summer childcare for two reasons. My SD expects us to provide all expenses (food, entertainment, etc.) and commit to 5 days a week 7am-7pm for the full summer. That would leave my husband and me with no vacation time. My second reason is that I believe at the very least my husband deserves to spend time with his children on Father's Day. This is a deal breaker for me.

My SD is upset, called me selfish and immature. She is just trying to honor her mother's deathbed wishes and insists that it is a great opportunity for her and her boyfriend to enjoy a lavish trip. My perspective is that a trip could be planned around Father's Day and it really isn't fair to my husband that he always is Option B or C. What is really sad is that the kids (now close to 30s) expect dad to always pay when we get together. They joke about the fact that his job is to "drive and pay". I've tried to encourage them to invite us to their place more often and on holidays, but they clearly want others to care for them. Often, my SD will ask us out to eat for a 'free' meal and her way of requesting childcare was to say, "I'll drop her off on Friday".

We aren't doormats, we do ask for respect and appreciation. That may be the reason she waited so long to tell us the dates of her summer plans. We're also not fans of the SD, who is rude and often went out of his way to encourage the kids to look down on their dad. Truth is my husband is a great dad, works hard to meet his children's needs with college, vehicles, single motherhood, etc.

I know that I'm venting about something we're resigned to accept. My husband really doesn't admit his true feelings with more than "ouch" when the kids blast his cell phone with excuses and expectations for me to babysit. It is what it is.