Last summer I posted a topic here about problems with my adult stepchildren (25/28) over their decision to spend Father's Day with their widowed stepfather at a private family reunion. My SD was furious when I rejected her assumption that I'd provide summer child care for her 7 y.o. daughter who was still in school. She went so far as to expect her Dad (my husband) to pay out-of-pocket expenses for her to arrange for summer care before she and her brother went off to vacation with "Dave".

In 16 years, I've never had a conversation with "Dave". Shortly after he lost his wife (my husband's ex), he showed up at a child's soccer game. When I attempted to extend my condolences, he turned his head and stuck his nose in the air. Never said a word. Just sat and watched the kid play, then stood up and left when the game ended and our granddaughter came off the field. Creepy guy. Used to do the same thing when my SD and SS were younger.

My husband and I really dislike "Dave", especially since he became a widower. He has no children of his own, but he wants SS and SD to honor their mother's "death bed request" by spending every holiday (especially Father's Day) with his family. As a result, the kids make plans around that family's schedule. We're not a priority, but there is always the expectation that Dad should treat them for dinner and provide gifts when requested.

My husband loves football, buys season tickets so he can spend time with both kids on a regular basis. I enjoy watching my granddaughter from time to time without committing to summer day care. She's confused. She loves me, but she's now being encouraged to NOT refer to me as her grandmother out of respect for the dead ex. She loves my husband, but she's being encourage to think of "Dave" as the primary grandfather out of respect for the dead ex.

We got tired of the bullshit last summer. Learned to slightly disengage from it.

Then my SS started having marriage problems, "Dave" problems, and really needed his Dad's attention. My husband was there, listening to even more bullshit and hopeful that his son was also learning to disengage from some drama. We spent more time with SD and her daughter, being careful this time to avoid assumptions about babysitting and that she was mindful of my husband's feelings about "Dave" and his expectations for holiday events. SD said she didn't have a relationship with "Dave" since he somehow orchestrated a breakup between SD and her boyfriend. She only went along with her brother for a free trip. Whatever.

The other night SS sent a text, requesting dinner out at his wife's favorite restaurant. I was happy since we hadn't seen his wife (marital problems) since Christmas. All was well until I asked about their summer plans and they both started bragging about another trip to the "Dave" family reunion. They are host/hostess this year at the private home "Dave" rented for them and SD, new boyfriend, and granddaughter. My husband was shocked. I asked, "When are you going?" And SS replied "It's a father's day reunion!"

While learning to disengage, I watched my husband read and answer texts his adult children. These same children will end up being treated to beer and dinner and football games this season simply because my husband is their "father". They don't deserve his time or generosity. But they learned to expect it, while learning to disrespect him.

I'm done with them.