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milknosugar's picture

Submitted by milknosugar on Fri, 01/29/2010 - 1:59am

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Hi Everyone.

I am new to this site. I have been looking at it for the past year and reading posts.

I am 45 and my new husband is 47. I have 3 children, aged 20, 17 and 15 and he has 2 aged 12 and 7.

I need someone to talk to.

I am so depressed tonight. I think I am jealous of my husband's ex wife. She is very pretty and when she left him he was completely devastated. They were married for 20 years. She is just "there". It's hard to describe. She has so much power and control over him because she is prepared to use the children to hurt him. Sometimes he sees it but sometimes he doesn't want to and I feel so alone.

They have been fighting badly ever since he met me. I can't stnd to watch what she is prepared to do to the children or my DH.

Anyway, the new year has started and the holidays are over and we are back into "contact". I can feel all those feelings returning.

Storm76's picture

Submitted by Storm76 on Fri, 01/29/2010 - 7:11am

Firstly welcome, I can guarantee that on this site you'll find people who are going through the exact same thing, which can be a great comfort.

When you get involved with someone with kids, it's the only situation where contact with the ex is accepted and necessary, so jealous feelings are completely normal - I hate that my OH's ex knows my phone number, where I live etc because it's allowing her into our life together.

Does he have to deal with your ex too or is he out of the picture? Sometimes asking him how he'd feel if your ex did what she does might help, as it's an easily understood comparison.

milknosugar's picture

Submitted by milknosugar on Fri, 01/29/2010 - 2:16pm

Thanks Stepaside. That is such great advice. My DD broke up with her bf yesterday and needs me and here I am all distracted because of this sick person that I hardly know.

RustyHalo's picture

Submitted by RustyHalo on Fri, 01/29/2010 - 7:22am

I used to have feelings of jealousy for BM. But not because of her looks (she looks like a troll, and she's only four foot and a few inches!), it was because of the way FH responded to all her demands, requests, and asking for favors.......... He couldn't say no.
I ignored it in the beginning. I didn't let it bother me, but when it started to impact my life and/or my schedule, then I deserved to have a say - and boy did I say ALOT!

Now we have boundaries in place. NOTHING goes on without my consent. This gives ME some power over my life and I'm much happier. But, our BM is completely irresponsible, so this does impact my life as far as the skids are concerned. I just keep track of everything in my journal. And I also post alot on here and it makes me feel tons better! Most BMs on here DO use their children as bargaining chips. That's ALL they have. Try to explain to your husband how this makes you feel. REMIND him that YOU are the wife now and take precedent over all things - children, exes, etc..........
FH and I are determined to put our relationship FIRST. This will provide a good stable environment for all the kids involved. YOU have to be a TEAM.
Good luck to you.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

milknosugar's picture

Submitted by milknosugar on Fri, 01/29/2010 - 2:36pm

Thank you for your welcome.

I have only been married six months and met DH 18 months ago.

I am sitting at home right now. It's a lovely day here and DH has gone to sports to see the boys play and bring them home for the weekend. She will be there - probably with the man she had in the wings when she left him.

I used to go to sports. Then one day when I was there on my own (scheduling issues), I had one of the boys in my car. She was walking and I was backing the car right in front of her. Her son was waving and smiling at her but she ignored him and looked angry because he was in my car. He was so shocked and hurt. I couldn't stand to see his confusion. He told me how she doesn't like me. He must feel so torn - like he is being disloyal to her being with me. After that, she tried to get full custody and tried to take them out of the country on a long trip without permission. She still wants custody but has no case.

I don't go to sports anymore. She makes the boys feel bad if I am there. I don't want them to feel bad. Sometimes I wonder how this family thing can work if I have to choose between taking part in my new family's activities and causing a child pain.