If a prospective partner says they will "not allow anything to jeopardize the relationship with their adult kids"
I have already had one bad experience with this policy statement from a prospective partner. He was a guy I dated for almost 3 years, turns out he was a supreme actor when the going was good. I got on fine with his adult kids. The problem was, he kept insisting on being Mr. Deep Pockets (when he couldn't afford it) but he never told his kids the truth...that he was spending his retirement savings on stuff for them (like sports cars) to "keep the kids around" and "make up for the damage inflicted by a broken home". The guilt was completely taking over his existence, and when I tried to diplomatically point out the fallacies in his reasoning, he just labelled me as "heartless".
Too bad...I left before it drove me both crazy and bankrupt.
I strongly urge anyone who reads this to walk away when a prospective partner says their adult kids come first NO MATTER WHAT. If their attitude is not to value and respect their partner, then it is a losing proposition. It can be heartbreaking when time is invested, but I would appreciate hearing anyone's experience with staying around in such a situation. At least it might make me feel better about having ended it.
Oh, you should feel really
Oh, you should feel really good about ending it. I mean, I know it hurt but can you imagine putting up with that for the years to come? You would end up supporting him because he would have no retirement left.
What I think I resent about
What I think I resent about him is that for the first two years, he always said the opposite - that it was time to stop paying for the 'kids' and let them fend for themselves. This is what I've done with my boys (now in their 20's with jobs, mortgages and no need for my money - and they still call on mother's day).
Then this year, after we had agreed to buy a home together, renovate it, yadda yadda, he suddenly started 'warning' me that I would never be his no. 1 priority. His words were 'you have to accept this'. My reaction was silence...but inside I was saying, 'OK brain is saying run fast; heart is saying oh shit not this'. Anyway, it took me a little while, some arguing, and finally I just kissed him and left. I did the breaking up by email.
This guy is just sopped with guilt and chants the mantra of 'no one jeopardizes my relationship with the kids'...problem is, he's enabling their over-spending, their cash flow lifestyle, and their feelings of entitlement. It can only end badly for him, but at age 57, I cannot afford to jeopardize MY retirement - I've worked too hard to let "LOVE" overcome everything (that's his favorite mantra). I did hear him say once that he needs to make up for BM's constant trash talk to the kids that he was an absent father.
Oh well, I do actually feel liberated. Nonetheless, the first weeks of being single again are not pretty. Risk of being a workaholic.
It doesn't sound like he has
It doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with his kids if he thinks he needs to buy it.
Money does not make up for the past nor BM's trash talk and it's not the basis of a good, loving relationship. He will realize that when he is alone and broke.
There are other ways to be their for his kids that have nothing to do with money.
Yes, you did the right thing.
Yes, you did the right thing. Guy has a warped view of parenthood and of relationships. How dare he?! "You'll just have to accept that." -- like he's an emperor and you just purchased for the harem? Get over yourself, dude.
It's such an aggressive statement and it presumes that you somehow want to lock his kids in a dungeon. Why would you? These silly men fail to realize that most women are highly attracted to men who are good fathers. It's a very desirable quality. But the operative word is "good." Good does not mean "pathological," "seeking martyrhood," or "blind as a bat."
Thank you, Chief. I got a
Thank you, Chief. I got a chuckle out of that. Wish my wit were faster and I might have responded to him that way.
On the subject of obsession,
On the subject of obsession, I might add that prospective DH has a huge picture frame with a collage of his D21 in the front hall of his house, prominently displayed. Only one small photo of his two sons.
When you go in the master bedroom, there is a large framed photo of D21 on the bedside table, and in the drawer (with the kleenex box which of course I opened every time in the bedroom, ahem) there were more photos, newspaper clippings etc of D21. It's not that one shouldn't keep photos of kids of course, but that this guy just has them everywhere...there is one under the TV which stares at you when watching the tube, one by the dinner table placed for maximum visibility, another collage in the kitchen. OMG just writing this I am realising how totally obsessed he must have been. And she looks exactly like the tarty BM.
How did I not see through that in 3 years.
Oh, now that is just beyond
Oh, now that is just beyond creepy.
I'm fairly certain that even if your daughter is President of the USA or a triple Olympic gold medalist, it would smack as "weird" to have that many collages, photo galleries and scraps simply laying around.
'Course then I thought of Bruce Jenner's flowing locks from the Olympic games, the Kardashians and the insipient "selfie" which is reality TV nowadays and realized that there are way weirder things.
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Good for you for honoring yourself enough to not buy into his silliness.
And virtually none of the
And virtually none of the boys. Uh huh. Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!
You run, don't walk, do not
You run, don't walk, do not pass go. Find the nearest horse (donkey/goat/ostrich) and gallop the hell out of there.