Lost
Is it supposed to be so hard? I'm in a relationship with a great guy, I just don't know what to do. He has a daughter, he gets her 1-2 days a week, she is the greatest. A sweetie all the way through. But I just feel like I'm an extra person constantly. Like if I wasn't there no one would care. Is it just me or is there something wrong with this? I don't have any children myself and I want them. It makes me jealous when I see them look at each other with the love they have. Then I feel bad for being jealous. I understand that he has his daughter, and I love her. I just don't understand why I end up feeling left out, jealous, or any other stupid emotion when I understand whats going on. I'm probably just over reacting but I don't know. Everything is so new for me I don't know what emotions are going on and I'm really lost. If someone knows whats going on Please explain it to me. Cause this is so confusing...
Im there when they do
Im there when they do things. He has me comeover to help watch her. I love to help. But when I help his mom gets pissed off and yells at him. I don't really understand this. Me and him were best friends for like 2 years before we started dating, and I was there the whole fisaco of a relationship the mother of his child had with him. We have been together for most of his daughters life. I just don't understand my feelings. He lives with his parents due to his ex and I live with a roommate. I don't know why but I get jealous of his ex, he tells me not to but I can't help it. The way I see it is that she has his daughter and could at any point in time use that to his advantage.
It will get harder once you
It will get harder once you live with your BF so you need to figure these emotions out now. You are definitely going to have to get over the ex. She has a kid with him, she always will. And she may use having a kid to her advantage, but you haven't even gotten to that point yet.
Does BF seem to be a guilty parent? When he asks you to come over, are you excluded? Why is his Mom yelling at him?
I do agree with Windee that you should do things for yourself while he has his daugther, but you will eventually need to face the fact that you are "sharing" your BF while she is there. Maybe talk to your BF about how you feel. Maybe he can clarify some of these emotions for you?
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I don't know why his mom
I don't know why his mom yells. She is just that way. Just recently did she start to even be ok with me being around his daughter. He doesn't seem to be guilty, he wants his daughter to be around.
I understand I am sharing. I am ok with that. Like I said I love his daughter. Its hard to talk to talk to him about it cause he misreads what I try to tell him. He jumps to getting upset. Like I asked him if I could tote along on the pick up with him on New Years eve. He originally said sure, then changed his mind to wanting to go along. I said ok and asked if he wanted the car seat now or later, then he jumped to thinking I was sad and was like "Fine! Come then." I said it was ok, but because I asked about the car seat he thought it was more than that.
Ok, maybe mom yells because
Ok, maybe mom yells because she wants to make sure he is serious about you and not just marching girl after girl in in front of her grandchild. And now that she knows you are sticking around, she is getting better with it. Makes sense.
Most men misread/get defensive when it comes to their children, but you need to talk or it will never work out. Your BF has to consider your feelings too. If you put your feelings on the back burner now, he will get used to it and it will stay that way until you get angry and resentful. Don't start that. You need to tell him your feelings.
As for the exchange, I never asked to go, my DH asked me to go when I went the first time. I think he thought BM would flip out and it would start trouble if I went (at first). Once we got serious, he asked me to go. It was one of the most akward moments I'd ever faced. If your boyfriend knows your jealous, the exchanges will be akward for him too (with or without you there). He probably jumped to thinking you were sad because you are jealous of BM and that puts your BF in an akward position.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
And for the record, I do
And for the record, I do believe that being jealous in the beginning is normal, you just have to find a way to control it.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I normally go along on
I normally go along on pickups. Both him and the BM prefer the SD to be in my car as apposed to his truck. He has a single cab ranger and I have a full size sedan. So the seat can sit in the middle of the back and she is safer than in the front seat of his truck. It just seems odd that he would decide to go alone. Im not sure what to make of it. I said ok, cause I do believe its his choice.
Is there a good way to bring up this to him? I don't want to cause problems between us because of the way I talk to him about this...
What you're feeling is
What you're feeling is perfectly normal. For the first 6 months after I moved in I was insanely jealous of SD9. When we went anywhere, it was always the two of them walking together, holding hands and me walking behind them. I finally had to talk to him and tell him how left out I felt and he's really made a conscious effort to make me feel included. I still have my moments where I feel like it's them and me, not "us" but as soon as I say something, it goes back to how it should. It's definitely not an easy job, you just have to decide what you're willing to deal with and what your limits are.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
When you talked to him what
When you talked to him what did you say? I just dont know how to go about it with out seeming like I want him all for myself.
I just flat out told him
I just flat out told him that this was all new for me, I'd never really interacted with a kid before SD and that I felt left out. I probably threw several expletives in there too, but that's me - Irish temper
I think that the best plan of attack is to be honest. Not nasty honest but heartfelt honest. Tell him how you feel - don't be afraid to throw some tears into the mix too. I find they smooth things over a bit. Manipulative in a way, but honest at the same time. I hate to put it bluntly but no matter how you put it, he's either going to accept it and find a way to remedy it or he's not. What they (BFs, DHs, FHs) don't understand is that though having a kid has been their life for however long, it's not been ours and it's not just an adjustment for the kid. It's a MAJOR life changing adjustment for us too. And I think it's harder for us because we've had years of things being how they used to be and all of a sudden our lives are turned upside down. I used to tell BF to imagine if the tables were turned? How would he feel if I was the one with kids and try to get him to think about it from that perspective. Good luck! Let us know what happens.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Seriously consider finding a
Seriously consider finding a guy without kids. You're young and there are plenty of guys out there. Unless you positively absolutely without fail cannot live without this guy you should move on.
Although there are success stories they are far outnumbered by the problem ones and since you're already feeling the pressure this may well become unworkable.
What's going to happen when the two of you have a kid? Will he treat them equally? Will "yours" be treated better - worse? How about his Mom - how is she going to treat you as the second mom? Will your kid be treated the same?* And as has already been said the ex will always - always - be there. She will be a weekly subject for years, then perhaps monthey and eventually once or twice a year. About the time you're 70 perhaps.
The ex may be delighted that her ex has remarried and I actually heard from a woman who became best friends with her husbands ex. Once. While thousands of ex's who turned into schrews because they couldn't stand the thought of their ex moving on without them. Even if they tossed him out.
Its a very rocky road to travel. Think about it hard. Then don't do it.
*Let me tell you a secret. Every (grand)parent has a favorite. If they're good the kids won't know but few are that good.