I just want to scream!!!
First of all, I am new on here and appreciate that I am not the only one that feels the way I do about my skids. It means a lot knowing that I am not a bad person for hating when they come over. I thought for the past few months that I was such a bad person for being like this and finding this website has helped! My SO has two sons and an adopted daughter with his ex. He's amazing and a great dad when he can be (we have them EOW). He has told me numerous times that he stayed with his ex because he feel in love with her daughter, now 12 (they met when the daughter was 9 mo). He always says how he originally stayed with her for his adopted daughter, and then the two boys that followed. This bothers me! He stayed with a psycho BM for this girl. I can't help that this makes me feel jealous. When they are together I just want to hide. And I feel bad when I begin to get angry because we can't even walk the dog together when she is here without her following us. I try so hard to not let this show that this bothers me because I don't want to make it uncomfortable. I know she misses her dad and I honestly try to stay scarce when the kids here, partially because it's uncomfortable being around them, but also because I know they, especially she, needs time alone with her dad. I feel guilty about feeling so jealous about their relationship. We got SD alone for her birthday and I felt like such a third wheel. She drove me crazy the entire time and I just wanted to hide. She wears these short little skirts around our house and always dresses up when she is here and it makes me uncomfortable. (I know she doesn't always dress like this because I happen to work at the school she attends. Not by choice, I began a job there and two years later the BM moved the kids there) When he calls her sweety (which he also calls me) it makes me want to vomit! Out of the three kids, she is the only one that really seems to have a problem with my SO's divorce and everything that has happened since. I just don't know what to do. I resent her and it kills me because I'm afraid he and I will have to call it quits because I can't deal with her being around. It's not just her, the other kids drive me crazy too, but she makes me uncomfortable in a way I have never experienced before. I feel totally unnerved by being jealous of my SD. I just want to scream!
Thank you for seeing what I
Thank you for seeing what I was trying to convey. You are correct that the existence off all of the kids is bothersome to me in some way. I think that my SD's existence bothers me more because in some ways I see her like a rival. It's not that she really tries to be a rival and push her way between us all the time, but knowing that he fell for BM because of his daughter gets to me in a way I can't describe. All of the kids are good kids and I do like them, it's just a difficult situation to conform my life to. He isn't a bad parent. As for indulgent, I think he does fall under that category some lol, but he doesn't spend large quantities of money of anything like that on them just to make them love him. He is a realist and knows he can show his kids love by giving love. This is one of the many things I love about him! I really appreciate that you understood what I was trying to say and thank you again!
Thank you for the articles to
Thank you for the articles to read. They were very informative and I am going to try and get him to read them as well. My SD hasn't quite reached mini-wife status yet, at least that I can tell, but I think were coming close and I'd like to put a stop to it before it goes too far. My SO is a great dad and I don't think that he sees her as intruding on personal space. He seems to see it more like she wants to spend time with us (or escape her brothers) which I think is ok, it's just hard to not even be able to have a conversation with him when they are around without her looming over us. I doubt it's as bad as I make it sound because it's not always like that with her, but it happens often enough that I become upset about it.
If we had them every weekend
If we had them every weekend I think I may lose it. One time one of the kids said something about moving in with us and I almost freaked out in front of them (luckily I held it together and my SO didn't bring it up in front of me when explaining that really wasn't an option right now) Being the third wheel just plain sucks. My SO wants me to join them in more activities, but every time he pushes for me to do a little more with them I just want to shy away from it. I understand loving Mondays. I personally love Sundays at 6:15 because the kids are gone and my life returns to normal. I hate picking up after the kids and hearing them fight with one another plus the boys yelling and whining drives me crazy. I'm just glad I finally have a place to vent with people that understand what I am going through!
I have a similar problem to
I have a similar problem to you and I can sympathise. Although my DH has not elevated his daughters to "mini-wives" he has always virtually ignored me EOW, and I find this quite hard to deal with. I disengaged early on, because the younger of my two SDs would make all time spent as a foursome, unbearable, and would sabotage any outings I went on.
I hoped this state of affairs would naturally subside as they got older and developed their own lives and own circles of friends, but DH still spends most of the weekends they are here, pandering to their wants (not needs) and they are now 16 and nearly 18. I brought up two daughters to near adulthood before I met DH, and they were much more independent and mature at this age. My SDs BM is the same as my DH - likes to be BFF with her daughters - goes out with them all the time, takes them to concerts etc. They don't have that many friends of their own age because they are so demanding and just plain weird.
I work with a lot of kids
I work with a lot of kids whose parents want to be friends. That can be so difficult and I can't imagine how it would have been for you if you had tried to be a parent-figure, or even just an adult-figure, when the girls may not have had that. My SD hasn't quite reached mini-wife status yet, but I'm hoping to stop that before it happens. I love my SO very much and I want this to work, but I wonder if it can if I can't truly be comfortable with everything I've chosen to deal with. I look at his kids and compare them to other kids I know (which is a lot because I work in a school) and I think they're weird too. It makes me feel guilty, but I know it's true. From posting this I have figured out that I need to talk with my SO about these things, even though it makes me feel terrible and completely uncomfortable, because things will not get better without that. I don't know that they will even if I do, but it's worth a shot. Thank you for helping me see that!
i have the same. my bf has a
i have the same. my bf has a daughter (not his, but was with the mother for 8 years and considers her his daughter). He calls her the same names he calls me, and it p***** me off, sorry i just don't get that!! When she is around, she is his world. We've had so many arguments over this, that i've become sick of it! He'll ask her to get things for him, find things for him, if his phone rings she'll go get it for him. She doesn't sit on his lap or try to hold hands with him, but she does seem to act like the house is hers. She'll lay on the couch, and just move her legs enough so my bf can sit on the couch and when I come to sit down there's no room, so I just say to him 'You going to make room for me or what?". She is a good kid, but she gets under my skin, mostly because I feel like she is my rival (i know he would choose her over me, and that hurts me deep down). there are pictures of her all over the house, but none of me (that also grates me). I know it's his house, but when we get our own place in the future, there will be one picture of her and that's it!!! Bf is aware there is tension, and for the last few weeks has not spent much time with her, which is fine for me (sorry if I sound like a cow, but it's how i feel). He is however very defensive of her, and i know a lot of the reason he is so attentive to her is because he is afraid she won't want to see him anymore, and to him that is the worst thing. I understand that as he has watched this kid from 2 years old and taught her things that fathers teach their daughters like to ride a bike, how to swim, help with homework, etc, but she still grates on me when she is here, and I try to stay away when she is around, it's better that way, mostly for me and my sanity.