Is it me or is it the usual 'disappear old Stepma'
After years of negative action with SS26, the usual type of step action, ignoring me, looking and judging my every move, describing me as lazy when I am going through chemotherapy the list goes on. Finally the last 12 months, everything has settled. No we are not best friends, he has made it very clear in a conversation that we had in Dec 2013, that he will never accept me. He realize that he hurts his dad and for that reason he will deal with it.
However it has been sticky thereafter in parts. In March after the death of his Grandmother I heard say something so nasty about me I was left shell shocked. At least now he says hello, make polite conversation and even smiles at me. He once said to me he founds me aggressive. What he could not see, after years of passive aggression from his side, I have had enough of trying to be nice to him and his brother and I am being me. His brother is really nice when he is alone SS29, however when they are both together he joins he brother. I have since learn from my partner family, that they all knew that SS26 would be a nightmare to partner of his Father. SS26 I am told was extremely close to his Mother. 3 members of the family went as far to say he was 'spoilt rotten'. End of background story.
With xmas 2014 fast approaching, my stepsons SS26 and SS29 comes out with an excellent idea. Christmas day should be spent in our home. They SS26 + SS29 would prepare Christmas dinner, also their Mother (who calls our house and is always very pleasant to me) should also spend Christmas day with us. Cute really cute. Of course my partner tells me I should not over think this. However, this to me is a perfect example of making me disappear in my own home. Of course it is not going to happen. I simply told my DP that although this is a wonderful I feel very uncomfortable with this plan. Thankfully the thought of spending Christmas with the ex literally made him have nightmares for 2 consecutive days.
I wanted to know what you lot think of this. We are all trying and sometimes I like to evaluate my actions and feelings. Can I have your thoughts.
The SSs have the idea to
The SSs have the idea to spend Christmas in your home with the ex? Oh, isn't that SOOO SPECIAL! Tell your DP you do not have to over-think this because, as you wrote, it isn't going to happen. Good for you! You did the right thing. It's just a bad idea. Period. Another thing - they said they would PREPARE the meal. So who is going to pay for it?
If the 2 stepsons are buying
If the 2 stepsons are buying all the food , will be doing clean up duty and are both professional chefs then it might be nice to sit back and enjoy being waited on. A leisurely day like that might even be worth putting up with the ex if she is a person you can tolerate. If these 2 stepsons don't meet all the qualifications then the disturbance in your life is not worthwhile.
I hope your DH nipped that in
I hope your DH nipped that in the bid by clearly stating that he divorced the EX on purpose, and never wants to spend a holiday with her. Period.
Hell No!!! Tell SS that you
Hell No!!!
Tell SS that you and your DH make the plans in your home - and he is NOT to be planning a special family celebration with his BM.
If he wants to celebrate with his mom - GO TO HER HOUSE! WTH is wrong with this idiot. He needs slap upside the head. Doofus.
They are adults and they feel
They are adults and they feel they should have a "Very Special Family Christmas"?
Not only no. but fuck no.
If I were you and your DP, I'd probably go away during the holidays. Tell both SSs you're unavailable.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. I must admit I nearly burst my sides reading some of your thoughts. My DP who was sat next to me and witnessed my laughing, asked what was so funny. I told him that I was on a site, where step mothers and fathers talk about their step problems. I am now reading about Christmas plans. He immediately buried his head in his newspaper (as expected).
Rest assured, It is not going to happen. We have decided to spend Christmas in Wales with his brother and other members of his family (not SS26 +SS29). We spent Christmas in Wales last year and had a wonderful time. I get on with all his family expect SS26. I am not entirely sure what Skids are doing and I do not ask any questions. What I do know is their Christmas plan is not going to fly.
What really amazes me about their plan is that it is all about them. They never want to leave their Mother alone for Christmas, so they feel that if they all meet, the problem will be solved. Then they want to take over my home with their cooking. No they are not professional chefs and they would expect me to clean up as a matter of appreciation. Again, they want me to be a little fly floating around, but not in their lives. Of course I cannot be a bumble bee as I would make too much noise .. a small fly.
They are joking. No more bending over to please them. I have done that and have the teeshirt. I remember once when I was on chemo, going to hospital to get my blood levels check, this procedure always made me weak. I decided that I would stay the night with my sister and not take the long drive home. DP called me and asked if I can come back home the same day as SS26 had a parcel being delivered (he was staying with us then). Believe it or not, I woke up early next morning, jumped in my car, stopped of several points to throw up, felt terrible, eventually got to the house just in time to sign for the parcel. I never even got a 'thank you'.
When I came from hospital never once did he come in the room to see if I am okay. I heard him several times telling his Father I was lazy for not working while having chemo. He ignored me the throughout the entire treatment.
Although we have really moved on since then (2 years ago) I am thankful to my DP's friends who were honest in their opinions and highlighting that SS26 is acting out. Also giving DP the book 'Stepmonster' to read. This enabled him to see how adult skids feel and play up. It also gave him an insight as to why he 'turns the other way' when they play up. It was our first step of changing things.
Since then he has really upped his game. In the main it works. However every Christmas something, always something comes up with SS26 and it is always him. It is always about cooking.... food. Last year the family said I should cook the veg, he decided he wanted to. I told DP he better tell SS26 to do something else, as I have my recipe and I am in that kitchen! Not sure exactly what he told Skids but I cooked the veg. 2 years before that (when we were living under the same roof) SS26 wanted to cook, suited me as I was very ill, then he decided he wanted us to the share the responsibility of cooking, within 2 weeks of that he decided he did not want to eat my cooking. Those were the days when I was tap dancing to his tune. I soon realised that food was the only thing he felt he could control in this situation.
Things are now different. DP has apologized about the way he treated me and my son when I was ill. He now behaves exactly the same when his children are around towards my son. I am open to having a relationship with them, but I will not be their lapdog. They treat me with respect and I will them. I will be myself, they can like it or leave it. I am having a relationship with their Father and that is what I will focus and put central to everything not them. I expect nothing of them, and when they suggest anything offish like their recent Christmas idea, I will not participate. I no longer argue with DP about Skids. I wait and present a calm conversation telling him the way I feel. Occasionally, I do things not because I want to, but to please DP, like going to SS29 birthday dinner. I did this, as DP has really tried and taken steps to let them know he loves me and he is happy in the relationship, he is extremely caring towards my son, who in turn adores him, but at arms length.
I must admit, I am getting to the stage where I am tired of this pretend game. I know that SS26 and I would never be friends but accommodate each other. The only difference now, is it really does not bother me. His late Mother adored me and we had a good relationship, that to me is the true seal of approval. Lets face it, our position starts in a place of sorrow for the skids, it represents that end of their 'family'. It is almost a set up!