Today has NOT been a day where dh (not feeling the dear part) and I have been connecting well. First there was the assumption that my first day of vacation should be spent waiting for him as he makes nice with his long estranged daughter. We got past that......
So tonight on a phone call dh tells me one of his co workers wives had a baby. Ok...pregnancy, birth..that is a very painful subject for me, too personal to elaborate, but trust me, on a top three list, it is close to number one.
Dh has NEVER gotten it.
So I listen, and then he says he sent so and so an email saying that this birth has brought back so many wonderful memories for him. He then goes on to discuss newborns, which he clearly is talking about from his own experiences with ex. The images created in my head hurt like hell and I feel so down....

I have dealt with this topic for years, it got much better but since having a hysterectomy a few years ago, this pain has reared it's ugly head. It IS painful that dh and i do not share children together. He somehow never fails to remind me.
And I think the bigger issue is that I feel like less of a woman without the parts. I joke that I am neutered, but inside I am crying. Oh and on top of no ovaries, big weight gain, and without estrogen, sex is not so pleasant anymore. I am not able to hormones due to cancer history.
So....I sit here on the eve of vacation feeling sad and blue. However, I am good at believing tomorrow is a fresh start. Thanks for listening. Here I FEEL very understood!