Difficult birthmom
My husband and I got married in January and he has a 7 year daughter. Before we got married we talked about what would be a better schedule for his daughter. It had been she would come Friday night to Monday morning and be with her mom during the week. We talked about having her a week at a time. We thought it would give her more stability. When my husband first talked about it with her she said that we would need our time and that my step daughter and I would need to adjust so we waited a few months and my husband brought it up again and the mom would keep ignoring him or changing the subject. She finally said she has one month left of school (which wasn't the case when we first talked about it) and that it wouldn't be good to change then. So when summer started we started the week to week thing. Then after a month of this she decided she didn't want to do it anymore and we needed to go back to the other schedule. After not working for over three years she went and got a job Friday and Saturday doing hair and her argument was that she works the weekends and my husband works during the week so my step daughter should be with whatever parent is not working and basically called me a nanny. And no I am not a nanny. I do not get paid. I can't quit whenever I want.I am going to be apart of her life forever. When my husband and I have kids, which we are trying, they will be her siblings. We're a family and I take great offense that my role is of a nanny. Anyway, she fought against the week on and off and for the month of July she had my step daughter for almost three weeks with out us hardly having her because her family was in town and each week decided to stay another week but that wasn't true. My step daughter said they had left awhile ago when we got her again. So we got her for a week and now she is going back to school and we want to continue doing a week at a time especially during the school year but she refuses. She and my husband have joint custody and have been able to solve things without the court for four years. My husband has bent over backwards for his daughter and has even left a great job to move states when the mom decided it was time to move. She was even having money problems and my husband started giving her a little more in child support to help her out. He stopped when he found out she bought a new phone, i pad, and $20 a week for my step daughter. She lives in her dads basement, refuses to work full time, lives off food stamps and welfare, and she doesn't care about my step daughters education. I am in school to be a teacher ( I know I have probably made a million errors. Don't judge. I'm typing fast) and I am a substitute at the elementary schools in my area and have worked for a school for 6 years where I worked closely with teachers and taught reading to kids falling behind. Education is so important to me. Mom would never tell dad when parent teacher conference was after first semester even though he always asked and she would ignore him. She would tell him she was doing great in school and they were working really hard. My husband believed that was true. My step daughter had good grades in Kindergarten and she is so smart. Mom went on a trip for two weeks so step daughter stayed with us and it happened to be at the end of the third quarter and we got her report card. She was really behind and had missed about 20 days of school. My husband was so upset. The last quarter we worked hard help her grades but we never even saw the final report card. When it was brought up to mom she said that the school she went to in Kindergarten which is a really great charter school taught her everything wrong and her teacher couldn't catch her up. Step daughter says she would quickly do homework before bed and when she came home from school mom would be asleep or watching tv and that she always plays on the ipad while her mom watches tv every night. She refuses to talk in person. In their papers it says that if they can't agree then they get a mediator and when my husband brings that up to her she says he is just threatening her. My step daughter loves to come over and has really adapted to the new situation. She and I have developed a good relationship and I just want whats best for her. Do we have a case to take to a mediator and win a week at time? Has anyone been in this situation?
There's a lot wrong with this
There's a lot wrong with this picture.
A. He should never give her extra money. Period. Dot. NEVER. If you feed a stray cat - you never get rid of it.
B. He has her just on the weekends each week? What a great opportunity for BM (Birth Mom) to go out and party all weeekend! Get a court order now. NOW. NOW. NOW. Not having one will cause you so much drama. Of course they did it all cordially before but now you're in the picture and BM will make it more difficult because DH won't be at her disposal whenever.
C. HE NEEDS to call the school and set up a conference. BM will never tell him. She doesn't want either of you involved except financially.
I would say you could win a week at time but if you plan to fight, a mediator won't decide - a judge will. So be ready to shell out some cash to a lawyer.
He was just trying to be
He was just trying to be helpful but she says now he never gave extra money to her. Even if she is going out on the weekends she still can have two weekends to herself in a month. I agree that we need to get a court order but my husband is trying to be civil so it's talking longer. He will be setting up times with the teacher to find out everything that is going on because clearly BM can't be trusted to be honest about what's happening at school.
He might, possibly, win every
He might, possibly, win every other week if he went to court. On the other hand, you might spend thousands of dollars and come out with weekends only. Honestly, the most common is every OTHER weekend plus one weeknight. Even with joint custody.
I'd like to (gently) address something different with you though, which is your level of investment here. I get that you love your SD, which is to your credit... but you know she's not yours, right? SO many women on here invest so much time, energy, and money on their stepkids (especially girls, for some reason) only to discover that by the time the SD is a teen they only get the blame, ever. And also, and you need to really understand this, it is completely irrelevant whether you or BM would be a better mother. Period. Dot. (As others say!) She has a mom - and that's her BM. Whether you would do a better job than her mom (or her dad) matters not one tiny, little bit. Not to SD, not to BM, not to DH, and not to a court (barring abuse). Love SD, of course, and be a positive role model to her - but don't get caught in the trap of wishing she was YOURS. You'll hurt yourself, doing that.
I know she is not my daughter
I know she is not my daughter and that she has a mom and I'm not trying to replace her mom. That doesn't make me not family now or that I don't care about her. The thing about doing every weekend is it's much harder to apart of her school life which is important to both of us. We don't want her to miss as much school and we want her grades to improve. That's just one reason.
We may spend a lot of money in court and lose and that's a scary thought for my husband. The money isn't important. We could go for the jugular and bring up her addictions to pills which she said she just got off of and how she has been arrested.I think she is scared to go to court because she has nothing to back up why my step daughter should be with her. Courts just seem to favor moms more which is not always necessarily the best for the child.
Courts do favor moms and if
Courts do favor moms and if you are going to go ahead and go to court you need to use all that you have on BM if you want to make a change happen. Like the others say the visitation y'all have is like the "go-to" division of time format so if you want change to happen you need to give them MANY reasons why
why is there not a court
why is there not a court ordered parenting plan and CS firmly in place, filed with the courts?
stop getting personally invested in this kid - you will only end up heartbroken. i dared to care abotu my SD in the beginning. she is nearly 14 and her mother is alot liek the BM in your situation - lives off of other people, barely works, and is generally a horrible example to her daughter. she encourages my SD to blow off visitation by rewardinng her every time she "refuses" to go with my husband, and it goes on and on. we tried going for joint custody - we live 5 mins apart, SD wouldnt have to change schools or miss out on activities/friends and the like. didnt fly.
even when its ordered, enforcement at least for us has been near impossible. In 1.5 years SD13 has slept over ONCE. she's supposed to sleep over every other weekend. We've lost holiday time with her and other planned visitation.
all in all she's a rotten brat who has called the shots her whole life. there is no hope for her now, shes' too far gone. I am just in survival mode and as of very, very recently my fiance has gone into survival mode as well.
I won't stop personally
I won't stop personally investing my time into her. If she gets older and doesn't want to spend time with us that is her choice. She is 7 and she loves coming over right now and spending time with us. My husband would never just give up on her and just expect that's how it will be.
My husband and BM didn't go to court when they divorced and where able to figure out on their own. I definitely think there needs to be one filed with the courts which is something we talk about and our currently seeking a lawyer.
You seem maybe a little
You seem maybe a little defensive about this, so I just want to point out that we're not BASHING you. It's just that you sound so much like so many of us did when we started this journey - and we want to protect you.
Invest your time in SD as a responsible, caring adult. That's good.
Do not invest more of yourself into her than either of her parents does. Her dad HAS to be the one to take the lead on all of this. If he doesn't put in the effort to contact the school (and I hope he does!) don't do it for him or nag him. I know you're trying to help, truly, and I know you're doing it for SD's good, but I also know how that ends and NO ONE is happy. Don't do that to yourself, or to SD come to that. If you "prove" you care about her more than her own mother and father do, you're going to make her miserable.
No I am not defensive and I
No I am not defensive and I appreciate what everyone is saying. It helps to be able to talk to people who do understand a little bit. Her dad does so much for her and has taken the lead on everything. He's really good about that. I don't feel that I am trying to prove anything to her and that she and I have just naturally gotten a long.