4 Year Old SS too much for me
Hi,
I like to consider myself pretty reasonable, but I'm definitely at the end of my rope with my SS. The boy is only 4 years old, but I get the feeling that things are going to get increasingly more difficult as years go on. He already frustrates me beyond my limits.
As background, I have a 10 year old son who I share split custody ; one week on, one week off. At this point, my girlfriend and I co-habitate and she has full custody of her son. The Father is a convicted drug-dealer who comes around on occasion, and he's actually not that bad. I suspect that he's a gang member, but he keeps that stuff separate and his contact is minimal anyway.
This obviously has an effect on the boy, but there are other confusions for him as well owing to the fact that he's racially different (black) from both his mother and I, and it's going to be hard for his mother and I to authentically empathize with him when he experiences racism and such.
His father is just a bad example in this regard and would probably advise him to do something stupid.
In any case, my problem is that although I am attached to the child, and love my girlfriend, my SS is a negative influence in my life. He never listens without me yelling at him and I have to put him on time out at least once a day (on a good day). Initially I thought that he had a hearing problem, but he's actually started to look at me when his mother or I speak
to him, but just refuses to follow instruction (simple things like put on your shoes or close the door). He even back talks to his mother if she tells him to do something, which generally draws an immediate time out in his room.
I think her son is very clingy. Perhaps having no father present has made him overly reliant on his mother's attention or something, but from my perspective this is the most annoying aspect of the child's behavior. For example, I've lived with my girlfriend for a year, and although I've expressed on various occasions that I prefer her son not be in our bedroom or sleep in our bed, he still crawls into bed with us every morning. Honestly, I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. I'm not afraid of being accused of child molestation or whatnot, but to me it's just a example of the boy invading my personal space.
It's also an example of disrespect by both my girlfriend and her son because I've expressed my opinion, she enforced it for a while, and now she doesn't enforce it. It infuriates me.
Anyway, I'm to old for this stuff (40). My own son was never like this, and although I recognize that different children have different temperaments, I know the type of boy my son turned out to be, and I fear the type of kid my SS will turn out to be.
For clarity's sake though, I'd like to make clear that I don't think my son is perfect; he just does what he's told and is respectful.
Anyway, the point of this post is to ask a question to guys who've stuck around in situations like this. Does it get better? Should I stay? And if so, what should I do to fix the situation? I love my girlfriend, so I would prefer to stay with her, but I also need some quality of life and peace.
I've considered disengaging and letting my girlfriend take care of disciplining her son; something that seems to be my exclusive domain. I've also considered quietly packing up my stuff and moving out.
My son is 5, and I have to
My son is 5, and I have to tell you, we never experience the "Terrible Twos"... but four? Four SUCKED ROCKS. I was ready to sell him to the gypsies, and my DH (my son's father, BTW) was close to losing his mind.
Five is better. I am assured that six is better still.
What you describe sounds pretty normal - I think you totally lucked out with your son, if you didn't have any issues when he was that age! The only caveat I'd mention is to tell the boy's pediatrician about the not following simple instructions. Sure, it could *easily* be normal 4 year old crap. In my son's case though they think he might have an auditory processing disorder (apparently some kids have it and lots grow out of it, so they don't even diagnose until around age 7-8). He *hears* you, but the information doesn't get processed properly. I was lucky enough that it actually happened while at the doctor's office - my son asked what kind of stickers they had, the doctor listed 3 options, and my son said, "What?" It wasn't that he wasn't paying attention, or was just "not listening" - he cared very much about the answer. But his brain just couldn't quite process the information given, so he asked to hear it again. *shrug* Not saying it's the same with your SS, but telling the pediatrician about behavior that concerns you is never a bad idea!
He definitely needs structure
He definitely needs structure and discipline. As a mother of a bi-racial child whose father was a chronic alcoholic, unemployed and often stole stuff "for his son" as well as stole stuff I had purchased for my son i.e., "the boy don't need no fishin' rod that big," I took the lead in providing boundaries, etc.
I also let my son know that because certain groups of people behave in certain ways (mistakingly viewing drugs, gangs, speaking incorrectly, frowning on education as being a "sell out," stealing, etc as "culture") so as to cast aspersions on the good folks of that group, it causes suspicion, prejudice and yes, racism.
I certainly wasn't one of those "molly coddling" parents in which his or her child can "do no wrong." The mantra "my kid right or wrong" did not wash with me nor did it wash with my parents. Nor would I exercise the soft bigotry of low expectations--just because my son was bi-racial, I did not "cut him a break" when it came to speaking correctly and distinctly, having manners, morals, getting good grades in school, etc.
I also moved away from the urban school district which helped a great deal for both of my children.
When my ex-husband tried to PAS my son against me, I told my son "just say that you don't want to talk about adult things and that you just want to spend time with him"
It took several tries, but finally ex-husband got the message.
That was good 'thinkthrice'
That was good 'thinkthrice' about not talking adult stuff. I'm glad it worked not every kid has the guts to tell a parent something like that. Strong mother and strong child.
As to the original poster I think you've gotten the picture that the kid is pretty normal especially one from a divorced family. I'm also wonder if you're suited to raise children, not that's you're bad, some people are good at this and others are good at that.
Maybe you can make disengaging work in this situation, print out a copy of the linked article below and give it to your girlfriend after reading it yourself. If you can, unlike many males who need, yes need, to be in charge, get mentally out of the discipline business maybe this will ease your mind and let you, the mother and the boy get on with their lives.
Millions of children are growing up right now without help from you. Almost everyone of them will turn out all right without your help. So will this one. Probably. The question is can you stand aside and let it happen without you even if it goes bad. Once this kid fully realizes who you are and what your status is he'll rebel and I guarantee it will go bad.
I suspect this young mother is in her twenties. Don't let your penis lead you into a otherwise unlivable situation as happened to me.
But read this article, maybe you can have your cake and eat it too.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
My Skid is 22. I met his mom
My Skid is 22. I met his mom when he was 15mos old and we married a week before he turned 2. You are in a fortunate position in that your SKid is only 4. He will be far more your son than his Bio Dad's and if you and your GF can figure out how to partner as equity life partners and as equity parents to any children in your marital home regardless of the biology of the kids you can have a great marriage and a decent relationship with the Skid.
This has worked for my bride and I. I raised my SS as my own. His SPerm Idiot had long distance visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) and the SPerm Clan had a notable amount of toxic influence but ultimately his mom and I raised him to be a young man of character in spite of the toxic influence of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
You can do the same for your SS if you and his mom can figure out how to be equity partners and parents.
I am 50 by the way. Your challenge is beyond mine as your Skid is young and you have 14 more years of Sparenting before he can reasonably launch.
Regarding the biracial element of your Skid situation, I have no direct experience on that. However, the two youngest of my Skids 3 also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs are biracial. The biracial element of his relationship with his two younger brothers is not specifically any difficulty for my SS. What is difficult is that the Sperm Idiot has harbored a desire to be in a black criminal gang since his teens. The Sperm Idiot is not black at all so he is living his dream vicariously through his two youngest sons.
The Sperm Idiot is guiding his two youngest in to being street thugs. My SS has put his Bio Dad against a wall over that and has given the DipShitIot clarity that if his brothers end up as anything other than viable adults and contributing members of society that my SKid will beat his bio dad's ass repeatedly. Of course the Sperm Idiot cringed and whined and promised that he would guide the younger spawn in a positive direction but with my Skid being in the service and not hovering over the Sperm Idiot with a baseball bat in his hands the outcome will likely not be good for my Skids two youngest half sibs.
Good luck.
Hi Jon, Are you still reading
Hi Jon, Are you still reading this post? If so, I'd like to add that I also HATED when my SS would crawl into bed with me and my FH. He was 7yo when I met him, and very cuddly with dad (who has sole custody). I think I hated it because I wasn't included in this little love fest, and it felt like I was being excluded. I think on some level the kid was communicating to me, "he's MY dad NOT yours!" But I also hated it because it was an intrusion on my space. You have some space now every other week from your own son, and probably have boundaries already established that are comfortable for you with him. This little guy has not been in your space for very long and it's a problem for you. Tell your GF the problem that you're having and that you don't mind her cuddling with son, but it needs to be done either somewhere else, or when you're not around. It's really not that abnormal, and doesn't mean that you don't like kids. Also, your negative feelings towards 4yo will change over time (hopefully) if your GF steps up the parenting. But it takes YEARS to change those feelings. I remember how much my SS's would annoy the hell out of me for the first couple of years....not even because they did anything horrible, just cuz it was hard having them around all the time! Back off when you need to, set your boundaries with your GF, and just take one day at a time. It gets better.