Yup...I'm one of those SM's that would rather have the skids live with BM even though she is psychotic
The kids all went separate ways on Sunday. My bios to their BF and my skids to their BM. Can I say the peace in my home has been wonderful? Sunday, after a day of watching golf and visiting with friends, DH and I went home for a quiet evening of TV and relaxing. Yesterday after a busy day of work, DH and I grilled some delicious steaks on the grill and had a nice, quiet dinner followed by some snuggling while watching a movie, until he had to leave for work. Again...relaxing...peaceful. No "mom mom mom mom" No bickering. No skids whining they are bored or interrupting adult conversations. No waiting fro BM or evil MIL to attempt contact with DH or skids. Just relaxing and peaceful.
I've been having this nagging thought for a while now...but it gets more and more loud as the days pass and we inch closer and closer to the school year, where custody goes back to primary for us and BM getting one night a week and EOWE...that, it actually would be quite delightful if skids lived with BM primarily. If she had custody and we had visitation. BM could deal with the homework, the lack of doing schoolwork, the chauffeuring to practices, the bedtimes and wakeups, all of it. She could have the lying, the sneaking, the manipulating. We'd only have it 10 days a month...I could make it through 10 days. I don't even care that we'd be paying CS...I'd be happy to pay it. And let her deal with all of it. Granted DH would pay more than the $84/month for two kids BM is ordered to pay now (yes that's right a whole $84/month and she complains about that) but it would be the price we pay for not having to deal with the whole shitty situation.
I also notice that my guilt for feeling this way is diminishing. I want to keep my three...but honestly, my three do not give us the grief that my skids do. With my kids it's more typical kid issues...not mean spirited, not manipulative, not things that cause chaos among the family.
My OSS is going into HS this year and although he is a very bright kid, he is lazy. Both are actually, but OSS continues to have issues with doing and turning in his homework and in HS they don't cut you slack anymore. He is often grounded and has his privileges revoked for not doing his schoolwork, and I can see this year it's going to be bad...just bad. So a part of me is hoping he's going to tell BM "I want to live with you" to which BM will file custody papers, the kid will tell the judge how he feels and hopefully they grant it. And YSS will most likely follow suit with big brother. Because there are no rules at BM's, and they can do what they want so to a teenager...that's the best place for them to be!
And I'm to the point with them, that although I still don't think living with BM is in their best interest and that she is stable enough...I no longer care...let them.
Maybe things will swing the right way yet!
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BM does not have custody of
BM does not have custody of the skids because she walked out on SSs when they were 2&4 for another man, divorced my DH, and this other man didn't want kids...she lost her job during the process of the divorce (for running around showing coworkers pictures of her lover's penis...yes I am serious, and her and DH worked at the same company), she lost the house DH gave her in the divorce within 6 months for not paying the mortgage, had nowhere to live, came in and out of SSs lives as she felt like in between the loser bfs she'd pick up here and there that didn't work either or blew their $$ in the bar. She was unstable mentally, and could not give SSs a stable environment according to the FOC and judge and DH was awarded primary custody. At one point she only had visitation with YSS because OSS wanted nothing to do with her (at age of 4) and acted up and she didn't want to deal with him, she has always explicitly favored YSS (coincidentally, she now acts like OSS best buddy, allowing whatever he wants with no rules, curfews, limitations while not paying a DIME for anything other than the $84/mo CS which she is behind on...yes behind on $84), she has in the just the four years I have been with DH been kicked out of three places and moved before getting kicked out of one. She was evictd from her last apt and moved in with bf who she had bee seeing a total of 3 months and who had met skids approximately 4 times, so when he's done with her she again will be homeless.
BUT I DON'T CARE. She makes her reality what it is. That's on her. My SSs should be old enough to see a lot of it on their own, but prefer the free for all, no holds barred, no rules, footloose and fancy free lifestyle mom allows them to have. So I say...HAVE AT IT!
I wonder why BM doesn't
I wonder why BM doesn't already have the kids, to. Has she done something dangerous, or hurt them?
I love my SDs and I am happy to have them around all the time. BUT, if it wasn't like that, I sure as heck don't see a reason to feel guilty! My SDs would be in the Foster Care System, if Hubby and I didn't have them, so even if I didn't want them here, I wouldn't send them back..
I don't know. I just wish you guys didn't feel guilty. I don't think there is a reason to feel guilty for not wanting to raise another woman's kids!
I normally would agree
I normally would agree foreverstacey but there mother is not a mother. She is a buddy. She takes care of her wants before her kids. She's selfish and dishonest and tries to work the system and anyone else she can. And I see that blossoming in my skids. If they never had to go to their BM's, things would most likely be much easier...she is extreme PAS with them, but if we have to send them to her, I think maybe it's time to let her deal with them and support them and take care of them more than 10 days a month. We'll take the 10 days...and she can have the rest...
And even without the psycho BM in my life, once you get divorced, the equal time is no longer the BEST way...in MY opinion. My exH just moved 6 blocks away from me. He would love 50/50 but I won't agree to it. Why? Because having my children move from one home to another every 7 days and never feel like they have a "place", that each week it's somewhere new is not in the best interest in my opinion. They can certainly walk up and see BF, but I think kids need the stability of coming home to the same house each day and not move back and forth every week. I know in the summer I see it being hard on my kids, let alone during school when there is school work, extra curriculars, etc. If exH wanted to have equal time with them, he shouldn't have been dipping his wick where it didn't belong...besides, he didn't spend "equal" time with them when he lived WITH them.
That's exactly how I feel!!!
That's exactly how I feel!!! She has damaged them and continues to do so but I'M the one who has to deal with it everyday and she only has to 10 days out of a month. Let her have them!! At this point, I have been in their lives for four years...and yet they continue with actions and behaviors that BM exhibits and get consequences and scolded at our home for them. DH and I are apparently having no effect on them...so let them live with mama...ugh!
BM makes it very easy for the
BM makes it very easy for the kids to like her better ~ she doesn't parent she peerents. There will be no undoing what she has done. You can't parent against crazy.
My DF's ex was SD's buddy ~ if sd wanted to go somewhere n she was grounded ~ BM would call DF n ask what he thought. DF would not agree tell her she was wrong ~ badger him to change his mind. To say she won n tell as I got daddy to change his mind. But since I have been in the picture he has disagreed w her ~ n then asks her. Why are you asking me ~ cause you obviously don't like my answer n I know you are going to do exact what you want. That is not co parenting. She's a manipulative spin doctor. How do you parent against that.
If you ever figure out how to
If you ever figure out how to parent against that Easy...I hope you will share with me!!
The demise of our co
The demise of our co parenting was when she delussional BM wanted to take the sd to a bonfire while she was grounded ~ my daughter n her daughter were grounded it was my daughters bday. She thought I was I grounding my daughter for her bday ~ ummmm NO. I told her No she was not going out but she still questioned the bonfire I said to her she is grounded n if it's the fact you want to go ~ as is grounded n you are truly sending a pick n chose message her. She could stay with us if you like or you always have your moms house.
I told her " I think your daughter being grounded is impeading upon your social life !!!
That was it ! I judged her as a mother. But was I wrong ???
It's my biggest fear in LIFE
It's my biggest fear in LIFE to ever have custody of my skids and they aren't even bad children. They are just 'BM Soldiers' meaning they talk about her all the time, adore her, and believe everything that comes out of her mouth which they are young so it's expected but don't feel guilty because a lot of us feel that way. I feel terrible for the women who have full custody of their skids. It's my nightmare.