Manipulative and Passive Aggressive SD13
I had written a previous post about how my DH's Ex sent SD13 to live with us permanently stating she couldn't handle her (SD13) anymore after Bm got into a physical confrontation with SD13 and BM punched her in the face. Well, I have always noticed since this child was very young that she is sneaky and manipulative and passive aggressive as well. She has been doing little knit-picky stuff they she knows if annoying like leaving her shoes in the living room, refusing to assist in washing dishes, refusing to get up in the morning as instructed by DH and running downstairs to the living room when it is near time for him to come home from work like she has been awake when I work from home and see exactly what is going on. She refuses to go to bed at a reasonable hour and stays downstairs watching tv until well after 12:30 am in the morning (my DH has to get up at 4:00 am for work so he is sleeping). Then she will go in her bedroom and watch more tv until about 2-3 am in morning. I am really getting sick and tired of this child playing my husband and thinking that she is playing me for a fool as well. What should I do? Part of me thinks I should remove the tv box I setup in her room until she follows what she has been instructed to do but BM has always taken things from her as punishment and was overboard with punishment. I am at my wits end, I do not say anything to her but I do advise my DH as to what she is doing. I do not know what else to do.
Remember this is just a brief
Remember this is just a brief synopsis. Excuse the typos
I agree with all of thee
I agree with all of thee above but here in lies the problem, SD13 come from a home with two mothers (BM and her lover) which has been difficult for her due to ridicule and at 13 having her sexuality questioned by peers because of BM's lifestyle. BM is on meds and is mentally unstable, has thrown SD13 from the home multiple times into the street (lives in another state where there is no family). In other words, it appears that BM has been abusive. I do care about SD13's well being and my DH has been taking my advice and has been enforcing rules with me by his side so he is very cooperative. It is just that he does want to be too rough too fast as far as the rules because this child has been through H-E-double hockey sticks with her mother. I am understanding of this but it is way out of hand. She has a FB with sexually suggested pictures on it, no nudes but cleavage showing, :jawdrop: yes SD13!. My DH stated he will talk to her about it but he is afraid to do to much too fast since she usually is with us during the summer only, she will now be here full time so the dynamics have changed dramatically. I did explain to him that this is urgent and these issues need to be addressed immediately or he will find himself a grandfather way before he intended or worse. This child's mother sent her to us with nothing but low cut shirts and skin tight pants and make-up, YES!!! :jawdrop: As I said, there is so much more to the story. How do you temper discipline to a child in this condition without causing further issues for her and my DH and I?
I would slowly (over the
I would slowly (over the first say 4 months add more and more rule changes and obviously buy her better clothing. For now start with chores and what not. Then move on to less immediate concerns, like the make up thing.
"Oh, no you didnt loose your concealer honey. But why do you need to cover young and health skin? It can actually damage your skin this early in your growth, so Dad and I decided you don't need Lipstick/concealer/base/blush/ect."
"No, you didn't loose that v-neck tank top, but you aren't old enough to drive/drink/vote, so you don't need to show your body off that way. I'm sorry if you do not like it, but, these are our rules."
Slowly delete those pictures off facebook too.
She NEEDS stability and this
She NEEDS stability and this means rules clearly understood and if not followed clear punishments or consequences. You watch too much TV you lose the privilege for a week. Next a month. NO TV.
You abuse your laptop you get it in time to take to school (if needed) and return it when you get home unless you're doing homework research sitting at the dining room table, i.e. a public area.
You leave clothing lying around it disappears for a week. Second time a month.
You don't clean up after eating you get three slices of bread for lunch. See how much ridicule that gets her at school. (It's not going to happen that often - don't tell me she'll turn up malnourished at the school nurses office).
This kid doesn't need coddling she need to learn how to act like a human being who is part of a family and society. Take it slowly? Baloney, she needs to start today.
Research shows that teens need more sleep than adults so don't be alarmed over 10 hours. It's summer so it really doesn't matter when she gets it. Choose battles that count. If she's doing her chores and acting responsibly then leave her alone.
Update: I talked with my DH
Update: I talked with my DH and told him and SD13 both that I sympathize with what she went through at BM's house but there has got to be rules. All we asked her to do for now is bed at reasonable time, help with dishes and clean her bedroom and bathroom (she has her own bathroom). I told her it was not much and some kids have much more that they have to follow (we are starting off slowly for previous reasons stated). She does passive aggressive stuff like spend 2 hours preparing for bed (doing her hair, shower and lord only knows what else). I have taken bits and pieces of all the great advise you guys have given me. I was firm when I talked with her in front DH. She knows I am not playing. Just like leaving my living room a mess, decorative pillows in the floor instead of on the sofa, so guess what I put them upstairs in my room. My DH stated I understand why you did that but it is passive aggressive, I said and so is she when she leaves them on the floor when I asked her not too and told him, NEXT SUBJECT! My DH is learning that I am not going to take any BS off of him or my SD13. She is not going to run my damn house! I told him and her both last week, I am the queen in this house and there can and will only be one! By the way it is 1:30 am and she is still up. Next thing is I am going to remove my tv box from her room. I am going to see how long she plays this am not going to bed at 12:30 shiish. I think she should be in bed by 11:00pm (EST) but it is not my child. But I do have a limit to how much I will stay out of it. But I refuse to be like some of the SM on this forum, I will be damned if I am going to be miserable in my home! Hell No!!!
Well, at this point, have
Well, at this point, have decided to totally disengage. He has gone back on his word on everything we discussed and he said! :jawdrop: Yup! So I am returning to my days before marriage, his kid, his problem! And I have partially disengaged from him as well. He and his mini-wife can be happily ever after!