Updates

So, it's been an interesting week. This will be a long one.

We found out why BioDad did not want to take SD7 to Comic Book Convention... he proposed to his GF there. I think they were both in costume. The funny thing is, they brought the GF's daughter. I don't care because he's just alienating his daughter, but she'll never see that. Essentially (again) we were used as the babysitter, but DW watched her because as DW states "I always want to have the first opportunity to be with my daughter."

Anyway, that's all I heard about that day was how "Daaaady" was going to propose to GF. The next day BioDad comes by to pick up SD because it's convenient again for him to have her, and they go outside with DW. Two minutes later SD is sent back inside. I'm thinking that she is in trouble... but later I find out it is because BioDad wanted to show my DW his proposal video. I have two problems with this: (1) Why the hell are you showing your ex-wife your proposal video, you idiot?, and (2) DW, why didn't you stop him and tell him that is his personal life and to keep it that way? This would come up a few days later.

Fast forward to this week. We have a vacation planned to a cabin on the beach, and are using that vacation and a trip to LegoLand to celebrate SD's birthday. We were also planning on a nice dinner. I'm fine with that, I'm sure SD will find some way to complain about it, but whatever. Tuesday rolls around and BioDad calls to speak with SD7, after which he asks to speak with DW. I hear the conversation and it is essentially along the lines of "where are we going to take SD for her birthday dinner." I just about lost my shit.

DW gets off the phone, and immediately I started in on her... though I probably should have been more calm, I was furious.

Me: "I am not going to dinner with machine man and family." (I call him machine man because he has a tattoo all down his arm that is supposed to make him look like a robot.)

DW: "Excuse me? This is my daughter's birthday, we do this every year."

Me: "Exactly. This is the Halloween discussion all over again. You two need to work it out to do every other year or something. Not only that but we ALREADY have a birthday celebration planned for her at LegoLand and a dinner on our vacation. Are we planning on inviting him to that too?"

Sure, I was being an ass, but gah! I'm sick of this issue.

DW: "We are talking about her actual birthday. I am hurt that you would expect me not to see my daughter on her birthday. We ALWAYS do dinner with her and her father. I am going to see my daughter on her actual birthday. Put yourself in my shoes, wouldn't you want to see your child on their birthday?"

Me: "Of course I would, but in this situation we already had a celebration planned with her. I thought the intent of that was so she could then do her thing with her dad on her birthday since he has her that week. But on top of that, if you do it this way, she is getting THREE birthday parties. Ours, a joint one, and then her father's. That is just flippin' ridiculous and contributes to her princess attitude! We don't give BS3 two birthdays, one before and then one on his birthday."

DW: "Whatever. I can't believe you expect me not to be with her on her birthday. Fine. I'm going and taking BS3. You can stay home if you want."

I wish I could have taken that as an out, but I'm pretty sure that would have ended the relationship.

Me: "You just don't get it. You are forcing me to spend time with your ex-husband."

DW: "I just told you not to come."

Me: "Oh please. If I tell you I don't want to do a joint dinner with him, I'm the bad guy. If I take you up on your offer not to go I'm even worse. The only way you'd be happy is if I just sat quietly and obeyed everything. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't."

DW: "..."

So, from there it further devolved. She asked me why I have such an aversion to MachineMan, I tell her she would feel the same way if she was forced to spend time with my ex-wife (who she has never met but hates anyway). It ended up being a whole argument about he and she needing to cut the cord already, but mostly how I wish she would tell him that his personal life needs to stay that way. They are not best friends, they are not still married... he doesn't need to show her proposal videos, or call her to let her know how his job prospects are, etc. DW says I'm being insecure, and maybe that is partially it, and she says she's just a nice person and that I would be happier if she hated MachineMan (well, duh). She basically told me that she is not going to change anything, that my opinion is irrelevant because he is an idiot and just has word vomit and that she just ignores it anyway for the sake of SD. At this point I was pretty furious.

Then the subject turned to SD and her atrocious behavior. DW's comment about how she hopes SD doesn't ruin our vacation with her attitude. Then DW says she thinks SD has been better lately. HA! I have to point out that every day since she came to our house she has been in trouble. DW just says "Oh, yeah. I guess." Then comes out the "you are too hard on her" bullshit. I was waiting for it. I told her "no, the problem is not me. The problem is you, her and her father. MachineMan lets her get away with murder, and you let her get away with a lot too." DW denies this, but I point out how over the past year we've had the conversation about how SD has no respect for her elders and speaks to them very inappropriately... from me, to teachers, to grandparents, to her actual parents. DW finally starts to see my point... I can see the light dawning!

So she has finally agreed that there are significant issues we need to address with SD7. She has asked me not to let SD7 get to me as easily, and I am trying. Lord am I trying. She is putting SD in her place when she is disrespectful. It has been pretty interesting to watch DW's understanding of just how crappy SD treats me dawn on her. I could provide examples that happened this week, but this is already getting long. Maybe in the comments.

Rhinodad's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

It's not about her seeing her

It's not about her seeing her kid on her birthday. It's about confusing the kid and having the kid assume they are still a unit and a big happy family.

It's time to separate out celebrations. A lot of COD's get two parties and that's fine. Better two parties than confusing the s**t out of the kid.

No, I think it is the other

No, I think it is the other way around... he can't let go of her. She's not the one doing the calling/communicating. I think she would be fine if they didn't speak... but when he starts rambling about his personal life, I wish she would tell him to stop. I think he needs to let go.

Yuck. Girlfriend really needs

Yuck.

Girlfriend really needs to pick up the nearest clue phone

Didn't think of that.......I

Didn't think of that.......I wouldn't want to marry someone still hung up on their ex. Ewwwww.

When I said girlfriend I

When I said girlfriend I meant op wife but GF probably needs a wake up call too

How long do you think it will

How long do you think it will be til biodads fiancée turns up here to complain about your wife?

May already be here if she knows that bio dad went out of his way to show your wife the proposal.

I said that to DW last night

I said that to DW last night too. "How long do you think it will be before GF decides she doesn't like the way he is speaking to you and how much?"

DW's reply was that is GF's problem and she can deal with BioDad on that one. I told DW she's nuts that she will never talk to BioDad about it, she'll think it is DW doing it.

Meh. I consider it

Meh. I consider it babysitting. It was his week with her and he drops her off whenever it having her is inconvenient.

Obviously. I mean, I have a

Obviously. I mean, I have a HUGE problem watching my BS3. Or even SD7 when it is our scheduled time with her. (That is sarcasm in case it is unclear).

THIS I hate when I hear men

THIS

I hate when I hear men say they are babysitting their kids.

He isn't babysitting his kid,

He isn't babysitting his kid, it is his wife's kid.

And for the record I have the same opinion and I'm a woman, so I guess it isn't just men who think like that.

If child is scheduled to be with divorced parent A and that parent asked divorced-ex B to look after child for them, and they agree to it then parent B is doing a favor to parent A and as such, in my mind, is babysitting.

Now if it were parent-B's scheduled time to be with the child then yes calling it babysitting may not be appropriate but really, it's just a turn of phrase, no need to get so upset about it.

Of course all the guilty mommy and daddies who fucked up their child's life by getting divorced in the first place (or just getting pregnant with the wrong person, and keeping said fetus) get offended when some other sucker is expected to put up with their kids and expected to be overly sensitive towards kids and spoil them and run around after them at every opportunity and dares call it babysitting or dares to get upset that their plans are being disrupted or even tries to point out that over spoiling a kid is not going to make up for all the fucking up of their life that both of their biological parents have done.

geeks of stalk- UNITE!

"And she could see her

"And she could see her daughter on her daughter's birthday without having to have dinner with her ex."

*ding, ding, ding*

Why is Rhino's DW making this into a black and white issue? "I have to go to dinner as a family on her birthday so I can see her on her birthday." Uh, ok.

Or, she could act like an appropriate remarried person, and have the kiddo come over for a few hours on her birthday. There is zero need to play happy family with the ex, and those two are probably confusing the hell out of the kid with all their "aren't we great that we do this for her?!" intentions.

They are very selfish people. This tradition is for them to feel good about themselves, not about their daughter.

Agreed. I wish I had

Agreed. I wish I had mentioned this to her previously re: BS3.

very wise advice!

Excellent advice. Really

Excellent advice. Really forces her to confront the real issue, but does so in a loving way.

Already had that

Already had that conversation. It is my "insecurities" that are making this an issue.

I didn't mention the having her at some other point during the day, but it doesn't really work because DW has to work during the day. I suppose I could suggest she take the day off, but if she does that BS3 would expect it eventually too.

I forgot to write that I will

I forgot to write that I will mention this to DW.

Since the bday is only a week away it is probably too late for this year.

SD is at day camp during the day on her Bday (it falls on a tuesday), and DW and her BioDad are both working... which I guess leaves limited hours. I think I'll have to suggest this for next year, and probably will have to suggest that DW take the day off if it falls on a weekday.

I'm going through a similar

I'm going through a similar argument. Though I have just about given up with the arguing. I'm not going to win.

Last year (first year I was living with my husband, we had a long distance relationship before that) BM and my husband arranged a joint birthday party for SD. I didn't know better and BM was only at the beginning of her hate campaign against me, so I wanted to go. BM was informed that I was going weeks in advance. The day before the party I happened to be out of town and somehow BM found out. On the day of the party BM came to our house to collect something for the party and saw me there, she thought I was still out of town. She then went off on a tirade against me to my husband and said that I shouldn't come to the party. I told my husband that was ridiculous and that I would go and that as it was in the park if she started anything I would just walk away and leave the party. He was worried she would make a scene in front of the kids. So I was eventually persuaded to not go. He went and said that he had a shit time, she was rude to his friends and family (well only one cousin showed up, the rest of the family refuses to go to BM's parties anymore after incidents in previous years). After the party he swore to me that he would never have a joint birthday party with BM again.

This year comes around and SD decides she wants a skating party. BM finds this out before my husband and promises her that she can have one and invite whoever she wants, of course for SD that includes her dad and me. BM btw does not have the financial means to pay for a skating party. I tell my husband that he needs to nip this idea in the bud as he specifically stated no joint birthday parties last year. But what is his excuse? Oh it isn't a "joint" birthday party because he isn't going to invite any of his family he is just going to attend and pay for the vast majority of the party and the guests and then have a separate skating party with his family another time. It is really important that as a child of divorce SD gets to see both her parents celebrating together at her birthday party, even more important than respecting the fact that he has a new family and that he made a promise last year not to do it again, oh and he has to pay for it because SD really really wants a skating party and BM can't afford it and even though he could (and is) going to pay for a second skating party with his family and BM could easily have a low key party that I am sure SD would have a great time at and that BM could pay for herself (rather than assuming her knight in shining armor will come and pay for everything). As a kid I remember all my birthday parties were a birthday dinner and party games at home with my friends until I was 10, not expensive trips to do stuff.

So, I'm not going to this BM-husband-joint-love-fest skating party because I hate BM and don't want to spend a single minute in her company and because I refuse on principle as it is ridiculous. So now I have to come up with an excuse as to why I won't be at SD's party that she has been excited about for months.

Proposal video? Cozy tete a

Proposal video? Cozy tete a tete in the driveway? Oh. No. Very no damn no.

While we were engaged my guy's ex wife hauled out her wedding album (yes, the wedding SHE had with the man I was about to marry) and showed it to me. Holy nausea, Batman.

But she was showing it to ME. All of us were present. I was polite and she put it away rather quickly. She was also polite to me and congratulated us and did the girly thing of asking to see the ring (certainly an agenda there but it was indeed polite and perfunctory).

This was bad enough. Blech, blech, blech. But what you are having to endure is far worse.

If I was a friend of your DW, I would give her a good girl smackdown and tell her, chica, you need some boundaries! Cut that s**t out!

FWIW, Rhino, I have been in your shoes in the same damn conversation with my own DH. But he is way less enmeshed than your wife is. He lets BM chatter endlessly about her personal life during PU/DOs. His reason is "he picks up clues about her life that may affect his kids." I hate that and he has cut down on it. But I do see his point that when she starts talking about a hurt knee he wants to keep his ear to the ground in case she starts wanting to quit her job, etc. They still talk too much and when I still complain, using your line about how he wouldn't like it if I spent half my free time chatting up my ex-husband, he claims it wouldn't bother him!!!!

Also, I remember your Halloween thread. Yeah, your wife needs to knock off the helicopter parenting/party-palooza crap with her kid. Child will not only survive but thrive if she isn't glued to her mother's side every damn minute. Tattoo Dad can have his own time with her just fine.

And must add that you were not being an ass. You are having to swallow a whole lot of crap and she needs to know her behavior is not normal and is coming at a great cost to you.

Yep. You're being used as a

Yep. You're being used as a babysitter if the visitation is already agreed upon.

Your insecurity is the issue

Your insecurity is the issue here?

Gaslight.

Is his new fiancee at least

Is his new fiancee at least half sane? Because it sounds like neither your DW or her ex are. If the fiancee is half sane I can't imagine SHE is down with this "let's hang with the exes and be a happy family" thing. Try talking to her. She can work on machine man, I bet she'll get further with him than you will with your DW and that could solve things.

I have no desire to talk with

I have no desire to talk with GF. It's not my place, and I want to stay as far away from all of them as possible.

I can't imagine she loves the idea. And if she does now, I guarantee that won't last.

Wait a minute Machineman

Wait a minute

Machineman proposed to his GF...

AT A COMIC BOOK CONVENTION!?!?!? (in costume no less?)

Holy Ultron! And I thought I was a geek! I'm actually considered the "Alpha Geek" amongst my friends but Machineman makes me look like Jake Arrieta (and I don't even play baseball).

I could understand why he didn't want SD there. If she was there, the GF would most likley have declined the proposal

Rhinodad, your DW is a lot like mine when it comes to spending QT with their precious offspring. They can't see the world beyond their little rainbow-swirled bubble. Any opportunity they have to shower love and affection on the skid, they'll grab and should they opt out of spending time with the child, they'll sink into a depression so deep, it would take ocean full of antidepressants to get them out of it.

Oh yeah, and you are "insecure"....*rolls eyes*....
*sniff*
*sniff*
I smell gaslighting. Let's avoid the REAL issues here and turn this about you and your "Insecurities".

PUH-LEASE! Like any man with half-a-brain would be jealous of his wife watching a video of some dork dressed up as the Green Lantern propose to girl dressed like Sailor Moon. GIVE ME AN EFFING BREAK!!!

Sorry, my geek rage is on....

I agree with the poster who

I agree with the poster who said invite your ex and make it a big party.

Fight fire with fire.

They can dish it out but god help the person who makes them take it.

And be sure to remind her

And be sure to remind her it's all about being cordial

You know-for the chiiiiiildren. (Eye roll)

All the better to highlight

All the better to highlight the ridiculous nature of this tired excuse

BTW, Rhino, I have no

BTW, Rhino, I have no insecurity whatsoever about my DH and BM. There's not even one dead spark left between them.

What I object to is the TIME spent doing this and the general LACK OF BOUNDARIES. Divorce means she doesn't get to tell DH about her day anymore. And because he's trying not be "rude" sometimes she hears about HIS day before I do! You can be cordial without being Chatty Cathy, DH. He may never master this skill but he's trying.

Why did Tattoo Dad need to show off his proposal video to his ex-wife? Geez, when my ex husband got married I didn't hear about it until a 3rd party mentioned it to me. What is wrong with these couples that just can't let go????

(eek, the point I originally intended was that insecurity may have nothing to do with it for it to still be wrong.)

Bring a date- that's so

Bring a date- that's so tempting
And right to the point.

You are here

Comments