I am such a rookie, and need some advice!
I'll start by saying I could write a book about this, but I will try very hard to keep it short.
My stepson is the best. He is a smart, loving, funny, and caring little boy. He is 6 years old. His parents split when he was 2. Now, I am in his life, and things are great. He loves me, I love him and his mother like crazy, and all is good. Such a great family 
The issue is with his dad (of course). I think his dad is very jealous of my relationship with his son. I can only guess, but at 6 years old, he probably mentions me sometimes while visiting with his dad. This evidently hurts this guy immensely (He refuses to even meet me), and I can understand that to a point, but not now.
It has been 2 years that I have been in their lives, and I know that my stepson loves me. But this Thanksgiving, his father calls and asks to take him for Thanksgiving Eve, and said he would be there in 10 minutes to take his son. We let this happen, even though my stepson had big plans to cuddle with his mother early Thursday morning, and help cook the turkey. He was very upset about leaving, but we let it happen because his dad has no other family in the US to spend the holiday with (He's from Poland). So, he takes him with the agreement to have him back by 1pm on Thanksgiving. He brings him back, and out of complete respect for him, I normally make myself scarce when he is dropping him off. He drops him off on time, and everything seems fine.
First words are, "Why does "jmmiller" have to be here? It really hurts my daddy when he spends time with us. I don't want him here".
This happened before very early in our relationship, but not for at least a year before now, and I thought we had this problem solved. (He also was not allowed to come and get his son last weekend on a spontaneous visit due to the fact that I had planned a day out for just me and him. His mother told him he couldn't just come over and take him unannounced when he already had plans with me. He was furious, even though it wasn't his weekend to have him.) That said, I respect the guy completely, and do everything I can to ensure his son that he loves him very much, I NEVER talk down about his dad to him, and I always try my hardest to be inviting to him in our home.
So, back to the issue, my stepson, at 6 years old, just starting school really, is confused about things. Understandably, because I'm sure he hears other kids talk about having a biological family. But he is so loved, by so many people, and I tend to think that sometimes his visits with his dad are filled with talk about how I am a problem, or some other type of brainwashing. I feel like, and I don't know this to be fact, that he tells his son that I can't love him, or I am just his mommy's friend, when I am much more than that to them both. Why all of the sudden does he see his dad, and act out against me? I am hurt, and what hurts me the most is the thought that his dad is so naive to think that it is ok to talk bad about the people who love him. To use a 6 year old as a weapon against his ex wife and me. My stepson is my top concern, and my wife is a very close second. They are both feeling the pain and stress of the situation right now, and it is highly stressful in the house because of this.
Am I overreacting? Is there a good way to handle this? Like I said, I don't know if it's 6 year old confusion, or a father scorned, but it seems awful suspicious that he comes from his dad's house with this attitude towards me. I will say this, it was a fleeting attitude, and me and my wife both have taken the stance that no matter what, we will show him our love for him, and each other. He was back to his old self pretty quick, but I can see that he still has questions in his little head. I just want what's best for him, and even though he is not my blood, I love him more than the world. I feel like I am a problem for him, and my wife, because we can do nothing about what goes on at his dad's house. I don't want to give up, I just want what's best for them both, and the stress levels are high right now.
Sorry for the book, and I needed this vent session very badly. I am so sad right now, and I just want my stepson and my wife to be happy. I hate causing so much strife for such a great kid, and such a great wife. They deserve to have happiness without the drama of an adolescent-adult.
I am lost! (Thanks if you read this, it's mainly a vent that I needed right now. This is not the only issue we have had with his father, but it's the most pressing, and it's the most important.)
I married him, too, is
I married him, too, is right. I did accept the situation, and I do still. I am just disgusted that he has so much mental control over my wife, and my stepson. It kills me to see him, and her go through so much because of a teenaged-adult. It's like high school, with much higher stakes. And I will take that beer bud. Thanks for the ear, I appreciate it.
I just feel helpless, and as much as I want to defend my wife's honor, and my stepson's sanity, I can't do a thing. It sucks to watch as he ruins his relationship with his son, and tries to break our bond at the same time. It's not what I want for him. He deserves much better.
He has always been connected
He has always been connected to his family in Poland. They never really got along with my wife (meaning his mother, and he was from a "broken" family where his father never gave a crap about him). He is in financial trouble now, and things seem dire for him. I really sympathize with him, and would totally help in any way I could if he was man enough to accept me as a person that loves his ex wife, and his son.
Problem is, him and my wife met in Poland, 10 years after she and her parents immigrated here. She went on vacation for a couple of months, had a romantic relationship with him, she got pregnant, and he moved to the area to be with his son. They got married because it was the "right" thing to do. She left, he is pissed, and gives my stepson zero affection because of his messed up relationship with his parents.
Man, I could type all night. Like I said, nothing in this world matters more to me than the happiness of my stepson, and my wife, and this guy is making things miserable for us all, even the grandparents. It's ridiculous.
I am actually thinking about leaving them for their own good, so that I don't cause the stress and strife that I have no control over. I told her tonight, this is an unsolvable problem, because all we can control is ourselves. Deep conversations ensued.....I am sad for my buddy, my stepson. He pays more than anything, and I don't know if I can handle knowing it's because of me. He deserves better than that!
Don't leave! It won't solve
Don't leave! It won't solve anything. It's not you, it's psycho dad. You are married and that is primary now. First, you need to make the terms of this man seeing his son reasonable for you all. No more spontaneous visits. He is disrupting your SS's routine and sanity--and yours. Get help to nip this PAS in the bud. Your SS needs it. Does your wife see what's happening? Don't let guilt make her give into this clown. Yes, he deserves access to his son but that doesn't give him a license to disrupt your home, marriage or relationship with SS. She needs to tell SS, JM is here because he loves us and he is our husband/daddy. How about DW telling ex that he needs to back off and no matter what he does, she isn't going back so knock it off. And stop messing with my kid's head, by the way.
You may need to go to court to establish the visitations, etc. And major boundaries.
I can relate. My ex doesn't
I can relate. My ex doesn't accept my husband, and tries to say bad things about him to our 6 yr old son. When he does that, my son then starts treating my husband (his stepdad) crappy for awhile. He will also sometimes question why my husband lives with us but his dad can't. He also goes back to being his normal self after a little while, which tells me his words stem from what his father is saying to him. We also do not say anything bad about his dad, even after he's pulled this stuff. Its been 4 years now since my DH has been in my son's life, and its slowly getting better. My ex finally found a GF and is lightening up with the remarks. Our reaction was to always just talk to my son when his dad said hurtful things. I told my son its okay to tell his dad that he doesn't like it when he says stuff about his mom or stepdad, that it hurts his feelings. Well, he finally did and surprisingly, my ex has pretty much stopped. I think he finally realized that all it was doing was making our son angry at him. Hopefully, it will get better for you. I find that not underestimating his role in his son's life, encouraging their relationship and remaining nice even when he's not, eventually worked for us. He became less threatened. He still does not speak to my husband or like that he lives with us, but he no longer makes trouble. Its a long road, hang in there. Just keep talking to your stepson, and have his mother do the same. Explain that his daddy's feeling might be hurt and thats why he says that stuff. Tell him its okay to tell his dad if it makes him upset. Tell him if something his dad has said isnt true. Keep trying to maintain that close relationship with him. But I think at 6 yrs old, he is going to start questioning your role, like my son has. I just try to explain everything in an age appropriate way each time he has questions. Good luck!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I think it would be worth
I think it would be worth trying to contact the father directly. Its odd's on that it won't work but what if it does?
I'd go with a handwritten letter first. Tell him that you're trying very hard to not replace him as the father in the boys life but its very difficult to not have an effect on the boy since you're in his life so much.
Tell him that since the both of you want only what is best for the boy how about if the two of you got together and discussed how the boy can keep up a relationship with his bio as much as possible.
Write it with hat in hand, asking, not telling, and hope for the best.
If he doesn't respond I'd visit him at home again with hat in hand. It just might work.
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100 years from now it won't matter if you were successful in business, church or your social circle. But it will matter if you were important in the life of a child.
It's very ironic, but I was
It's very ironic, but I was thinking the same thing today. Your thoughts on the letter are EXACTLY what I was thinking of doing. Thanks for the added confidence on that approach. I am definitely going to try that, and for my stepson's sake, I hope it works.
My mother in law told me today, that my stepson told her he hates going to daddy's house because all he does is ask questions about me. That, to me, is very odd to say the least. But a letter may do the trick. I'll try that and see what happens.