Some recent posts got me thinking about letter writing to BMs. I am all for fantasy letters that don't get sent, but I also have mixed feelings about actually sending them. I no longer stoop to giving Psycho the time of day and am totally over trying to communicate productively with her. That being said, I did write and send letters to her at one point and it completely changed our interactions for the better. She was completely out of control and seemed to be gaining steam. Both H and my efforts to get her to stop harassing me didn't work until I gave her the letters.

It was about a year after H and I married. I was really pissed off and she was refusing to back off and leave H and I alone. I had met with her multiple times (at her request) to talk and try to work out our problems and she refused to be a grown up and just seemed to be getting more psychotic and out of control. She was at the point where every single time we dropped the skids off she said something nasty and offensive about me or our relationship. She was blatantly bad mouthing both of us to the skids and attempting to spread rumors about me at my previous work place and with mutual acquaintances. She used her one connection and got my dad fired from his job for no reason. He successfully sued for wrongful termination, but it was a horrible experience and I was very angry that my personal life affected my dad like that. It was so bad that at an event where we all had to go, my oldest skid yelled at his mom and said, "mom, you better be nice to StepMadre, or else!" He was on the verge of tears and she was so shocked that he was defending me that she just stammered and muttered, "i'll try." SS11 talked about it pretty much every day and kept asking me why his mom hated me. I told him that he would have to ask his mom, but he was persistent and I finally told him that his mom hated me because she was jealous of me and wanted to be married to his dad and was sad because he didn't love her. He then piped up and asked me if his mom was jealous because she's old and fat and i'm prettier!!! I almost choked in shock because I was eating while talking to him. I told him that I didn't know about that one (I agreed, but didn't want to drag him into a petty back and forth and teach him to be shallow. I save the pettiness for this site, LOL!). He then asked me why his dad couldn't marry his mom so that she would be happy and stop hating me and I explained that his dad doesn't love his mom and they are not friends and then I pointed out that if his dad left me and married his mom, I wouldn't be around anymore. This hadn't occurred to him and he looked startled and said that he wanted his dad and me to stay married so that I would still be his step-mom (I was relieved to hear that!) and shrugged his shoulders and said that he guessed that his mom would just have to hate me! This seemed to resolve all his questions and after that he completely stopped mentioning that he wished his dad would get back together with his mom. Once he realized that I would be out of the picture if it happened, he never mentioned it again which was a relief to both H and I. I finished the conversation by telling SS11 that what I said was my opinion and that if he wanted to know how his mom felt that it would be a good idea to talk to her about it.

The next day when we dropped off the skids with BM, she was bright red and shaking with anger. SS11 had told her what I said and she was barely controlling herself. Her nastiness stepped up after that and after all the crap she pulled I finally lost my temper. I wrote a long letter to her, going over everything that had happened and how I felt. I was brutally, brutally honest, but didn't say anything just to be mean or nasty and there was no name calling or anything like that. I just wrote what I thought and felt. I sat on it for a week and revised it a lot and then finally gave it to her. Attempts to talk with her had been disastrous because she always devolved into nasty name calling and vicious comments. The last time we had talked she called me a home-wrecking whore and told me that I should have died of my cancer. She refused to talk about anything seriously and just went on and on about how H would always love her and that I was just a fling and that she and H were destined to be together and would end up getting married when he left me!!! She was so delusional that I was completely taken aback and shocked. She sat there with her boggly eyes and bristly mustache and spouted off a bunch of delusional lies and I walked away feeling sick to my stomach and like we had gotten nowhere.

After I gave her the letter everything changed. I had no idea my letter would have such a huge impact, but I completely devastated her and it was like someone pulled the plug on her fake confidence. She was so upset that she called in sick to work for a week and the skids said that she cried all day and wouldn't get dressed or out of pajamas. Normally I would feel horrible for causing someone to get that upset, but in this case I was so angry and she had done so many unforgivable things that I didn't feel bad at all. I had spent a year taking the high road and not responding to her nastiness. She was used to me sitting quietly while she spewed vile crap and when I finally stopped biting my tongue, she was beyond shocked. To be honest, I was relieved that something finally seemed to get through to her. I had spent months and months being tactful and trying to communicate maturely and work things out and she just kept getting worse and worse. It was at the point where she was telling the skids that I had diseases because I had sex with too many people (The pot calling the kettle black!!!! She's one of the sluttiest people I've ever known and I am the opposite! She had zero knowledge of my sexual history and just made stuff up). When I answered the door when she picked up the skids she usually called me a name ("bitch" or "whore," usually) under her breath so the skids and H couldn't hear, but I could. With H, she would ask him stuff like, "so how long do you think that you and that home-wrecking slut will last?" After a year of this among way more serious things (stalking, physical threats, job sabotage etc...) I was completely fed up. I had H read the letter before I gave it to her and he thought it was great. I also had my mom and sisters read it and my two best friends so I felt really good about sending it. They all thought it was really clear and honest, which was my goal. I analyzed her behavior and told her honestly what I thought about her actions and choices. It was extremely harsh because I didn't hold anything back.

When we first saw her after she read the letter it was like she was a different person. Her face was blotchy and tear streaked and she was disheveled (more than usual) and wearing sweatpants. Usually she tries really hard to look confident and pulled together (unsuccessfully, but she tries) and it's like she gave up. She asked to talk to me and I stepped out of the car and she was shaking and asked me if I would not send her anymore letters. I told her that if she refrained from saying nasty things to H, me and the skids, respected our boundaries and stopped predicting the demise of our relationship, I would not send any more letters. She opened her mouth and started to do her usual nasty comments and started to argue with her and I cut her off and said that I was not discussing it, but that if she respected us, I would respect her. Plain and simple. She twisted her ugly face in an angry face, but said, "fine." Well, about a month later the nasty comments started again and so I wrote her another letter!! She was so upset that she called me and told me that I had promised not to write to her. I said that it was contingent on her good behavior and she knew she was backed into a corner and hung up on me. The nasty comments finally stopped and she is terrified of me now and completely steers clear of me if she can. She is still a nasty bitch and does horrible, nasty things, but she doesn't ever openly take me on like she used to and she doesn't trash talk our relationship to H or the skids anymore.

I feel mixed about all of this and would feel better if I didn't have to take such drastic measures to keep things civil. I am glad that I didn't get petty in the letters. I was completely brutally honest and I think it was way harder for her to read my honest opinion rather than just name calling and things like that. She is very comfortable with bitchy fights, but is completely out of her element with honesty and genuine feelings. I discovered my own power and it lies with being honest and expressing myself. She is completely terrified of what I might say to her and I know that she would rather have me call her a bitch than tell her what I think about why she is so hateful. I also told her honestly about my mixed feelings about her and that I do feel pity and compassion for her because I know all about her awful childhood and why she is the way she is. I think my comments about her mothering were probably the hardest for her to read. I emphasized that I thought she needed to put the kids before any petty fighting with H and I and said what I thought about the kids behavior problems and how she contributes to them and fails them as a mother.

She sort of attempted the same thing with me, but it was laughable. Her letters were so poorly written and full of misspelled words that all I did was correct them with a red pen and sent them back to her! }:) Instead of being honest the way I was, she just wrote a bunch of nasty crap, calling me names and the usual pettiness. It was actually really, really funny and H was literally falling around laughing when he read it. He still teases me about it and one of his pet names for me is "dirty clawed hooker" from the letter because he thinks it's hilarious. Unfortunately for her, I am probably harder on myself than anyone else and I have inner strength that isn't affected by what other people say. Of course I am affected by things and like anyone I don't enjoy being called names and insulted, but what I mean is that my self-esteem isn't affected by someone I don't like or respect insulting me. I could tell that she was desperately hoping that her letter would devastate me, but obviously it didn't and that made her even more upset. The end result of all this was that she knows that she can say and do nasty things and if she does I have the power to emotionally destroy her just by being honest! She has zero power over me and knows it and this whole exchange dramatically changed our relationship and power dynamic. She is so scared of what I might say to her (especially regarding her mothering, which is her achilles heel) that she now gives me a pretty wide berth.

At this point, I realize that I can't change her and if she is going to become a better person and mother, it will have to be of her own volition. I can express my feelings and opinions to her and set good, clear boundaries about what is and is not acceptable behavior, but her personal problems are her own responsibility, not mine. I still write fantasy letters (which are nasty and petty!) when I get angry or upset and I save them in a file and don't send them. It's a great outlet for me and helps me get the anger out and clarify what I think and feel.

I am curious though, has anyone had similar experiences with letters to the BM. Do you write them and not send them? Has anyone sent their BM any letters? What was the result? I would love to hear opinions on sending versus not sending.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde