Hello and welcome.

Being a step-parent is incredibly hard. There have been a few gay/lesbian steps on here but not many.

I've been in my step situation for over 7 years. However, as of late my marriage to my H has disintegrated and I never see my skid (daughter 18). My H took a job and moved to another state at the beginning of the year.

That being said, here is my advice, and you can certainly take it or leave it.

First, what a lot of us tend to forget is to take care of ourselves. Self care is very important now that you're in this role. Typically, women tend to feel more pressure to take care of everyone else first and ourselves last. Try not to fall into that trap.

Second, get a hold of Step Monster by Wednesday Martin. It will give you some insights as to why you're feeling the way you feel.

Third, (after you've read the book) please sit down with your wife and explain, SS is not your child. Though you love your wife, and you care about (and possibly love) your SS, she must understand the reality of the situation. And the reality is that SS has a father and no one will ever replace him in your SS's eyes. A lot of us deal with BioMoms (BM) or BioDads (BD) that are absolutely rotten, horrible people. But their children love them despite it all.

For some reason, people assume because we are women, we are automatically wired to love all children. This is not the case. Though some of the members here do truly love their stepkids (skids), a lot of us don't. Some of us like them and care about them. Some of us tolerate them. Some of us don't care either way. And some of us plain old dislike or hate them.

Regardless, your situation will be a lot more tolerable as long as your wife backs you up and your relationship is balanced.

About the BD (biodad) flirting with your wife. A lot of us deal with similar scenarios. The Ex always wants to mark territory. A lot of us deal with ex's that flirt or dress provocatively around our partners. Treat him like he's invisible and don't ever let him see you get upset by it. If you ignore it and don't let it get to you (same with your wife) then the game will no longer be fun for him. He's looking for a reaction, and gets off on it every time he gets one.

I've been on this board for a while now. I've seen some very successful step situations. I've seen others that imploded. The step journey is not an easy one and it takes a lot out of us.

I sincerely hope you stay on this board and become an active member. You can vent, you can hash things out and you're also able to find some sanity in your situation.

I hope to see you around some more.

First you need to end the idea of bringing a new child into this mix. Until your relationship, and you, are stable and sure that this is going to last you definitely don't need to add another statistic to the failed gay parenting column. Set aside another kid in in the broken home category.

Second you're not his father. A Cosby like male usually can't replace a blood father even one that's in jail. It's not going to happen.

Third step parenting is a thankless job. You're never going to get thanked for what you're doing - at least the odd are way below .01 and then only after this kid has matured enough to recognize how hard it must have been. Perhaps in his late twenties.

If you can't continue pouring time, money and emotion down this hole that will never fill up then you need to gently disengage. Link below. You're not angry you're just pulling away enough that your emotions are not tangled up in this. HE HAS two parents. Good or bad that's what he's got. Some kids don't have two - some none.

You've probably forgotten that millions of kids are growing up, right now, today, without one iota of help from you. Almost every one of them will do just fine. All without your help. This kids probably will too. So check out the disengagement link below. Implement it just enough that you're emotionally stable and comfortable with the money and time you're investing (or not) and let everyone get on with their life.

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

PS: 'Shaman' and I wrote our essays simultaneously without knowing the other was writing and as you can see we touched on similar points. I think if you combine the two you'd have what you need but lets see if others can add to it.

Do you have the option for family couselling? Being a step parent is an incredibly hard and thankless job, but aside from that you've also got a little boy who's father is in jail, and your wife's niece who she has custody of for whatever reason. Aside from how hard this is on the adults, I can't help but assume this is also really hard on the kids. While we as adults generally see sexual orientation as a moot subject, for a young child to see his mom with another woman could be really confusing. Young children aren't capable of abstract thought yet, so wrapping his head around the situation just isn't realistic. I think couselling could help your family tremendously. Just my two cents. Wish you the best!

I think that the different races issue seems to add an extra layer of feeling that you don't appear fit in with the family and gives SS extra reason as to why you don't fit there. It adds an extra layer into the way that your family stands out from the "average". I'm not in your exact boat but my husband is mixed race and I'm white and he said that he is glad that i'm the same race as BM so that me and his daughter could be mistaken for being related. My husband says that he has occasionally felt awkward about having a daughter who is significantly lighter skinned than he is and feeling that people don't believe that they are related. We've discussed adoption before and my husband says he would rather adopt a darker skinned child so that he would look more like him. So I understand how being different races can cause difficult feelings all round that are not always politically correct to mention these days. To state the bleedn' obvious none of you can change your skin tone and changing the thoughts and perceptions of strangers is not your job. If you can try to focus on feeling secure in the family and your role and relationship to each member then I feel that the different race issue will become diminished in your mind and SS will learn to accept you as part of his family. (And your role and relationship towards SS doesn't have to be a parental one if that doesn't work out for your family. You could just be an adult that deserves respect within the family.)

Hi! Social worker here too- so I totally get that aspect of it It is a constant battle of me trying to understand my sks bm (bipolar and manic/depressive) and reminding myself that I can't take us on as clients! BM over here is not incarcerated, but is on and off supervised and is overall a detriment to my sks. But Alas, they still look up to her like she is fabulous- all the while knowing she is bad... poor kids. My sks aren't ashamed per say, but they do constantly correct doctors or whomever that I am not their mother. Yes I am not, and I am good with that, but I still want the recognition tht I am the one doing all the things for them a mother does. I clip their damn fingernails for crying out loud. I am the one always at the school events, the doctor, the hair salon, buying the clothes, etc etc. It gets hard and heartbreaking sometimes. But there are the occasional things that make it all worth it.

I think you are having a lot of the normal feelings that we all have- add to it the additional stressors of your situation. You have gotten some great advice above about boundaries. I also want to throw in how important it is for you to keep yourself together. Find something you can do outside of all of this, a sport, hobby, whatever-- otherwise if you are like me you will find yourself constantly analyzing the situation and trying to make sense of it all. And trust me when I say you never will. All you can do is be there for him, realize you guys dont have to LOVE each other or have any predefined relationship. He is going through what most kids with terrible parents do- they want them to be good parents bc they love them. He probably wishes his dad was half a parent you are, but hes not.. and that is hard. In the end tho, when you are the constant, he will see it.

I registered on this site random 169, because I am currently experiencing the same thing.