What are your custody arrangements?
I am a SM of SS12 and SS8. We have had majority custody for the last 14 months, with BM living 1.5hrs away and seeing them EOWE.
Recently we had a huge "discussion" over SS12 high school, which resulted in her realising how much she has lost control of SO and SS12 when SO refused to give in to her manipulation tactics and SS12 decided he wants to keep living with us, so she has decided to move closer to "assimilate herself into the boys everyday life".
We feel the current arrangements are working very well and we dont want to change them. However, we do want to do what's best for the boys and be fair to her (even if she may not deserve it), but have no idea what she is thinking in terms of time with them - she is trying to rent a place near their primary school.
We used to have them every weekend and she used to have them on the weekdays, but we dont want to do the opposite of that because I am working full time, would never get to see them, and we want them to have time with their sister (my BD 14months).
My question is what are some of the custody arrangements and how well do people feel that they are working?
I can think of 50/50 or SO suggested she might want them a few nights during the week - I am concerned about the stability and consistency of the boys lives with either of their options...but what has people's experience been? Just a side note she has bi polar, which affects her at various times.
I think it's called 5/2/5 and
I think it's called 5/2/5 and is 50/50 but it looks like this
mon- mom
tues- mom
wed- dad
thurs- dad
fri, sat, sun- rotates
so you end up with having your consistent weekdays and EOWE that flows right after your weekdays (or right before in the mom's case)
We actually opted for week on/week off because it was only one transition but the plan above would allow for kids to have equal time with both parents and wouldn't exclude you or your DD.
Yuck. I don't like that at
Yuck. I don't like that at all. Too much home-hopping.
Skids are EOW and basically
Skids are EOW and basically whenever they wanted to show up on vacations and breaks. However, that has mostly changed since we had a big blow up and the skids dont like me and I push back about them coming over since DH doesnt want to parent them and they steal. They live in a different city then us, so different school districts, so it wouldnt really make sense for them to come during the school week. Plus they are older 14 and 18 and the 18 year old has her own baby.
My Ex and I used to have 50/50 of my BS8 and that did not work for us at all. Unless you can truly coparent and be on the same page, I dont think this can work. Once Ex moved 45 mins away and stopped seeing BS as often as before I noticed a HUGE change in BS, in a positive way. He wasn't dealing with the back and forth. He had a routine and structure. I do all the parenting and it's just easier that way. I wish for my BS that he could see his dad more and sometimes I wish he could be there more, for our son but knowing his history and how he is as a parent, I think in the long run its better.
SS is Mon/Tues Mom, Wed/Thurs
SS is Mon/Tues Mom, Wed/Thurs Dad, Fri/Sat/Sun alternate. It is total BS- all the adults get along fine and generally keep each other in the loop BUT no matter where he is, SS is always walking into the middle of the family life of the house (each house has remarried and there are two half siblings at each house). I truly feel like SS has two houses and nowhere to call home. I have felt this way for years but as I get sicker and desperately try to keep some semblance of routine for DD's 3&5 I realize that his routine has him (and his belongings)constantly in flux. I wish that his parents would sit down and have the poor kid live with his SAHM (we live 1/4 mile from each other) and SS would have some true consistency.
SD18 is away at college so
SD18 is away at college so SD16 goes to her maternal grandparents EOW. DH has had primary physical custody for several years. EOW is BMs time but she chooses to not exercise it, so her parents do instead.
While the SKs seem to really do better with the routine and are much happier in an environment where they know they won't be abused, but they still feel BMs absence from their lives.
We have SS14 two weeks on,
We have SS14 two weeks on, two off. It takes him almost the entire time with us to switch off of "BM trash mode" to "decent human being mode." I can't imagine how it would be if it was only one week at a time!
I guess it works well. The two weeks he's with us are eternal though. And the skid-free weeks fly.
But DH and BM can't coparent at all, so the two "halves" of SS's life are completely different.
DH is only home 3 weeks at a
DH is only home 3 weeks at a time...we have SS the first and the last week he is home, holidays alternate years so like last Thanksgiving we had him all but I think 2 days DH was home.
I think it is decent as though DH isn't home for half the year he tries to be involved and have him as much as possible when he is.
Just a thought - keep the
Just a thought - keep the EOWE but let her take them for dinner one night a week just at first, then maybe for the night once a week just to see if the kids and BM think it's working. 50/50 is a big commitment for everyone, but especially for someone who's only had her kids every other weekend for (it sounds like?) awhile.
If you commit right away to 50-50, you might not be able to go back if it doesn't work out well.
As for schedule we are 50/50 with 5 on/2 off, 2 on/5off. It means a consistent two weeknights free and every other weekend free. Our collective brood seems to like it!
Thanks all for the comments
Thanks all for the comments so far! They give us some great places to start and set my mind at ease a little bit more if we end up with split weeks.
Sounds like try and set up the expectation adjustments can and will be made to fit the kids if they don't like whatever is decided as well
SO has joint 50/50 every
SO has joint 50/50 every other week from Friday after school till Friday after school. There is some kinks with the fact BM pushed for a 9am pick up on none school Fridays (she's at work at 7am) and used it to with hold the kids till she felt like it. SO filed contempt. School started so far has been an issue we'll see come summer. It's been great for the kids, ss is slowly (2years) getting over BM abandoning him (dumped him at his uncles till SO brought it up in court that since he wasn't living with BM he wanted him)Holidays are split, birthdays split if it isn't in the CO then whoever's week it is keeps them.
Mine is typical sole (exh is 2 blocks away even) he get eowe, we split holidays as our kids birthdays also fall on major holidays. The kids usually handle any extra time with him (he has to ask me first though or it's a flat no he was using it to play games) and if the kids have plans/don't want to go or want to go to an activity with me they have to discuss it with both we confirm and move on. My kids are DD 18, DS 13. They've been fine with it.
My DW had sole physical and
My DW had sole physical and legal custody of my SS. As is the case with most out or wedlock children the mom tends to get custody. DW was 16 when SS was born and the Sperm Idiot was 24. My DW moved out of state to attend university after HS when SS was 1 year old. We met and started dating when SS was 15mos old and married a week before SS turned 2yo.
After the Sperm Clan attempted to get custody (they failed) the Sperm Idiot was awarded 7 weeks of visitation per year. 5wks summer, 1wk, winter and 1wk spring break.
This was IMHO the perfect situation. SS had the stability of a sound home and a full time mom and dad (me) to raise him to viable adulthood without the regular interface and interferance of the toxic Sperm Clan.
The long distance visitation schedule gave SS and the Sperm Clan dedicated time together and had the Sperm Clan not been the toxic toothless moron dipshits that they are could have been very positive for SS and for the Sperm Clan.
The drama for the most part pitted my wife and I vs the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Grandhag. They did occassionally target SS with their vitriolic crap but diligent destruction of the Sperm Clan through application of the facts and legal, financial and social beatings (figuratively of course) allowed SS-21 to overcome the toxic influence of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool to become a viable self supporting adult which far more than his Sperm Idiot has accomplished and is far more than all of the preceeding generations of the Sperm Clan have accomplished combined.