Sister in Law = BM's Weapon and Spy
SD12's BM (to whom DH was not married and from whom he split over a decade ago) has allegied herself with our sister in law (DH's brother's wife) and these two awful women seem to spend their days trying to find ways to hurt and upset us. DH has confronted SIL about this, but she is so thick skinned, she just keeps doing as she wishes.
Eg. Towards the end of last year, SD announced that she wanted to "emotionally disengage" from DH and didn't come to us anymore on her weekends. This went on for 4 months. DH recognised her manipulation and didn't succumb to it, which ultimately paid off. SD eventually made contact, asking to come again. She apologised and conceded that she had been trying to get him to drop everything (me and our Bio Child) and to elevate her over us all. This behaviour (i.e. SD calling the shots about visitation) was endorsed by BM. Obviously it was hard on DH not to see SD during that period and our family was aware of what was going on. Notwithstanding, SIL and BM would make arrangements behind DH's back for SD to go to them. We would then see photos on FB of SD visiting with and going out with them etc etc. SIL even took it upon herself to bring SD to our family Christmas get together, knowing full well that she was refusing to see DH and without even discussing it with him. AKWARD.
I recently found out I was preg with our second. We shared it with SD when she came to visit and she naturally immediately told BM upon her return home that weekend. We had at first only told our immediate family. When we later that week brought the news to the rest of the family (incl SIL), SIL went on a tirade with me about the fact that she should've been told sooner etc etc. She barely even congratulated me and has still not congratulated DH. Considering I didn't tell her when we had found out about the preg, my only conclusion is that her gossip buddy, BM, contacted her to discuss our news before we did. Is it acceptable that they discuss our business like this?
This past week, DH and I celebrated our Bio's 1st birtday. When DH posted a special little message for her on FB, saying that he loves his daughter and how beautiful she is (clearly within the context of it being OUR child's bday), SIL promptly uploaded a photo comment to his post, comprising a photo of SD and captioning it: "And what a beautiful daughter she is". Who does that? How hurtful!
What does one do about these women? I am not a bitch and don't want to get into a cat fight. But their actions are overt and BM uses her relationship with SIL to try to undermine my position as wife.
Advice please!
Qualifying these types of
Qualifying these types of comments pulls the teeth of the toxic blended family opposition.
Something along the lines of "I love my beautiful baby daughter and want to recognize her bithday". That does not leave wiggle room for BM to inject her toxic crap in to the mix without appearing to be exactly what she is, a wicked, evil and vindictive person.
More importantly I believe that your DH should positively and firmly connect with his eldest daughter regarding this latest BM toxic bullshit and make sure that his eldest is clear that he loves her, she beautiful and has an important role as big sis to her little sister and STB next sib. and that she recognizes BMs toxic bullshit for the manipulation that it is.
All IMHO of course.
They must be miserable women,
They must be miserable women, I am thinking, but your dh could do a lot to put a end to that crap.
Imo, he needs to have a talk with his brother. They are not to get his daughter from the bm, and if she goes to Xmas events it's with the both of you. He also needs to explain that his wife is causing problems by being friends with his ex. And if it doesn't stop, then dh can just see the brother without his wife. I mean there are a lot of proactive things you guys can do. A big one is get the daughter and sil off the fb, I don't believe kids should be on their parents FB anyways. Basically you guys have been giving them the ammunition, to shoot at you.
Limit your personal information, and certainly get anyone toxic off the FB. For sure the daughter, because obviously your giving the bm that same info. He can communicate with his daughter in other ways imo.
Finally, don't spend holidays with people who are trying to sabotage your family.
Curious, has he discussed all this with his brother? He should have nipped it right then when the sil showed up with the daughter. Will the sil still have thick skin, when it starts to affect her marriage? When you guys refuse to talk to her or invite her to your home. Imo your husband has let this go on to long.
SIL needs to be cut out of
SIL needs to be cut out of your life. As for info to BM, not needed. She has no reason to know. SD will tell her. She doesn't give you any courtesies, why should you to her. You need to cut out all of the communication in order to cut them off at the knees.
SIL is not your friend and neither is BM, treat them accordingly.
I'd start playing
I'd start playing hardball..aside from taking her off.
Her dh needs to show his brother, unless the brother is in on all this to. In this case the toxic people need to be banned period.
She needs to be
She needs to be blocked....that was incredibly immature and rude. What is her problem?
BM's sister is sort of like this. Constantly reporting back to BM about what we do. She has even started alienating the skids (her niece and nephew) with her constant reporting. We have decided to cut her off from our lives and no longer allow her in our home. We wouldn't accept disrespectful behavior from anyone else and we are not accepting it from BM's nosy lonely sister. You should probably do the same!
Welcome to the club. DH's
Welcome to the club.
DH's sister and BM have come together as one as now they have something in common to hate - me. No one has any true ammo to hate me as I don't do or say much so SIL took (screenshotted) innocent messages between me and MIL sending them to BM and apparently they have discovered I am evil due to the fact I have no issue saying how I feel or giggling at a meaningless situation between text with MIL.
My DH does not talk to his sister anymore he won't even try to ask me go to FIL's if he thinks she will be there and the moment she starts talking he leaves. She blocked both of us on Facebook herself and it has been peaceful.
Set boundaries, cut SIL out of the picture.
In my case it's not even his
In my case it's not even his actual sister. It's his brother's wife.
Even more reason to simply
Even more reason to simply step-away and live you life. If your DH wants to enable her and feed into it let it be his problem. You need to disconnect yourself and if DH wants to talk about it state that it is not your issue.
Just to clarify: SD is not on
Just to clarify:
SD is not on anyone's FB. She's not on FB at all. But there is obviously no way of controlling what she does and doesn't tell her mother. DH has made it a rule that our affairs are none of her mother's business and has told her that we are not interested in her mother's private affairs either. But his wishes are obviously not honoured on that end, as has been evidenced time and again.
BM is not on FB with DH or I either. But she is FB friends with SIL.
SIL is on DH's FB. I took her off mine about a year ago, exactly because of this type of crap. She would share our family photos that DH was in with BM etc. My taking her off FB lead to a whole lot of drama, as she was highly offended. At that time, we met with her and her husband and I explained why I did what I did. Her view was: If I don't like her friendship with BM, then tough. Hence the fact that I have very little to do with her and why she is still not on my FB.
Her latest stunt was to use DH's FB to cause the hurt.
DH won't take her off. Will cause too much family drama in his mind. He also doesn't want to be alienated from his brother and his neice and nephew.
I also feel he should have a talk with his brother. But he would rather for us to turn the other cheek, than to cause ructions.
So DH has a big hand in this.
So DH has a big hand in this. And he'd rather have them come between you, him, and his kids??
You can't force him, but it will continue if you can't change his mind or get him to see the light.
More frustrated than ever
More frustrated than ever now!
After reading your responses (thank you), I find myself feeling more frustrated than ever. Because you are right. DH should have taken this up with his brother a long time ago and should take a stand for his nuclear family - not be so afraid of the repercussions with his brother. SIL doesn't care what she does to us.
so what practical steps do I take now, in the circumstances?