Financial Issues

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DH has a BD13 (my SD) and one BD1 with me. We have another on the way. DH pays CS for SD13, provides for a private health care policy for her and we also have her eow and during school holidays (at which times additional expenses are incurred for her).

To date, DH has not contributed one measely dime towards our BDs needs. He also contributes less than one sixth of all of our common domestic expenses (food, water, electricity, etc). He claims never to have money and is happy for me to just make a plan re our bills.

Now SDs birthday is coming up and he is planning a lavish party and lavish gifts.

Am I wrong to take exception to the fact that he does not even provide for the basic necessities of our child together and yet ALWAYS has extra money to splurge on SD, on top of her CS and what she consumes whilst with us?

Incidentally, when it was our BDs birthday, he said he didn't have money to waste on such things...

Thank you. That is exactly

Thank you. That is exactly what I said to him. If he was pulling his weight financially and supporting each of his children fairly, then I wouldn't give a hoot about extras and parties etc. But he isn't. All he is doing is draining me financially more and more, to the benefit of SD.

Please read the link: I

Please read the link: I think Suze Orman's advice would apply to your situation

http://www.oprah.com/money/Keeping-Separate-Bank-Accounts-Suze-Ormans-Ad...

It's splitting finances after the bills are paid in a way that works even if he brings in a fraction of what you do. It still keeps it fair.

Thanks for the link. I have

Thanks for the link. I have read the article.

Unfortunately not even that arrangement would work. All the bills are on my name, so it is my credit record that would be adversely affected if accounts weren't settled. And I cannot trust him to actually timeously pay money into any such joint account.

DH gives me trickles of money when as as he wishes throughout the month, but never any more than the less than one sixth amount I mentioned before. He calls it his "rental". It is a fixed amount that he never deviates from. I need to make do until he eventually gives me the total sum (sometimes we are into the next month already and he hasn't given me all of the previous month's "rental"). He also doesn't care if we have a bad month, eg an abnormal electricity bill. He doesn't give me more. It's just my problem.

I earn a fixed salary, so I end up dipping into savings or moving cash around between my credit card account and my cheque account, just to cover debit orders. He owns his own business. Granted, I earn slightly more than double what he does. But still. I was better off financially when I was single. And that doesn't seem to make logical sense to me.

"And I cannot trust him to

"And I cannot trust him to actually timeously pay money into any such joint account."

This is a huge problem and red flag. I understand some people are better with money than others, but this is pathetic. There has to be a way for him to direct deposit, or somehow get you his percentage on the x day of every month. It is scary to me that he manages a business and can't use common sense with household finances.

If I were you, I would make his life hell until he contributed a fair amount. No cable (cancelled on the day of whatever he was looking forward to), bare minimum of groceries/cheap toilet paper, whatever you think would piss him off to "go without" until he was fed up enough that he decided to pitch in. I would win that war hands down even if it meant taking my own kids out to eat every day for a month. It's the principal.

He is taking advantage of you and you are letting him. You have every right to be pissed at him, but you have to make some changes too, he is not going to conform on his own.

Thank you for this comment,

Thank you for this comment, but this is precisely my dilemma. My hands are tied. Whether he contributes or not, bills need to be paid. There is nothing that I can just not pay to make him get the picture. If I don't pay for cable, none of us get to watch TV. If I don't pay the bond, it only affects me (the roof over his head will still be there); if I don't pay utilities, none of us will have water or elec. If I don't buy food, what will my children eat...

Short or divorcing him, there is no practical way of getting the point across that won't harm the rest of us.

Of course you shouldn't go

Of course you shouldn't go without electricity or food. I meant more along the lines of the extras. I was down this road with my DH a few years ago. It wasn't to this extreme, he was just notorious for impulse buys and being broke three days before payday. After getting sick of always shelling out extra cash before payday I made him learn the hard way. Four days before payday I took his car up and filled it with gas. He asked me for money the next day for "gas and food until Friday" and I said "you have gas and there is food in the fridge" I knew he didn't have money for cigarettes and I knew he was out of coffee, but I made sure I had an extra couple packs of menthols that he could bum until Friday. After two weeks it was a non issue (ps, neither of us smoke anymore )

Once he got the message I did have a conversation with him along the lines of "I make more so I understand that dollar wise I will be contributing more, but that doesn't mean that you get a free ride, saving is still important to me, so is paying bills on time and staying out of debt. We will not be in debt from something like a smoking habit or Netflix. If you need more money week to week you let me know what we can go without from the following list- cable/Netflix/soda/cigarettes etc., basically anything non essential. I will not be saving less so that you can have non-essentials (in your case, a big birthday bash)

Does he get credit from his

Does he get credit from his CS for your and his daughter? and he'll get another credit when the baby is born! most of the time the child support is reduced bc of needs of other children. So if that's true he's getting to keep the saved money and also taking advantage of you, which it seems like he is spending all on the SD! Not cool!! I agree with punkin shame on him

Our legal system (we're not

Our legal system (we're not from the US) does allow for the reduction of CS when other kids come into the picture. But he has never gone to have the order varied on that basis. To the contrary, his ex gets more each year, as the amount escalates annually by 10 %.

I feel your comment is a bit

I feel your comment is a bit unfair...

It is a far cry from my letting him walk all over me, as this issue has been the source of massive discontention in our home. But if you see my reply above to askyourdad, you will understand that short of kicking him out, my hands are tied.

I also feel it is a bit harsh to suggest that now that I am pregnant again, I am complaining about what he does for his other daughter. The whole point of my original post was that he has never taken any financial responsibility for anyone other than his "other" daughter. He has two daughters and a third on the way. It can never be right that he only supports one. And, no, I didn't immaculately conceive. I'm not pregnant of my sole doing.

Yes, thanks. I saw your

Yes, thanks. I saw your reply above and appreciate it. I also hear what you say about another pregnancy being a source of further pressure and agree, but it is too late to cry over spilled milk. It is what it is. It cannot be undone.

I also agree with what you said above re fear. Fear, I guess, is the core issue. Fear of being left alone to raise kids, whilst having a very high stress job and family that live on the other side of the country (not around to help). Fear of his retaliation if I try to enforce his fairly contributing. Fear of what awful things will come out of his mouth. Fear that he will make good of his threats to ruin me financially if I try to leave him or to try to take my kids from me or to try to interfere in my career.

FEAR.

If you really FEAR this man,

If you really FEAR this man, then get out today.

My ex tried the same thing

My ex tried the same thing with me. He quit his job one day out of the blue, and announced that he'd just be working cash jobs from there on out...which he never did. He sat on the couch all day watching TV while I worked and had to keep everything paid for.

I put up with that for three years, and one reason I put up with it for so long is because he threatened the same thing - he said he'd ruin me financially and do "whatever it took" to make my life a living hell. He said he'd make SURE I regretted divorcing him if I ever did. I took that as a veiled threat. He threatened physical abuse near the end of our marriage, saying flat-out that he'd come back and put me in the hospital if I ever forced him to leave.

He fully expected me to continue to pay for everything and take care of everything so he could continue to sit on his ass and do nothing beyond what he wanted to do, which was watch TV and play video games all day, every day.

I looked at my finances and figured out that, other than having to pay for daycare, I'd be better off financially without him there. Yeah, I had to put our young son in daycare, but I also got to drop my ex from my medical insurance, which saved me almost enough money to pay for daycare for our son, so it almost evened out. I paid a LOT less for utilities and groceries with his useless ass out of my house, too.

It took a lot of guts to leave, which is what these men depend on. They hope they can scare you bad enough that you'll never even THINK about leaving, which leaves them riding the gravy train indefinitely.

I finally decided it was worth the risk of him doing something to me - in one way or another - and that taking that risk was better than living any longer in the hell that my life had become. I got out for our children's sake (I found out I was pregnant shortly before we separated - not planned but definitely an awesome blessing because I love BS4!), and I never regretted it.

He begged and pleaded with me to let him come back, but I never gave in because I knew it'd go back to exactly the same messed up shit that I had left behind, and I didn't want that for me or my kids.

Don't stay out of fear. Don't let him take advantage of you, either.

Talk to a therapist, a church minister, your family, WHOEVER you can about this situation. You don't have to deal with it by yourself. Do what is best for you and your kids. To hell with this man and his assholish ways.

Thanks for this. Gives me a

Thanks for this. Gives me a lot to think about.

Yes. More than once. It's

Yes. More than once. It's like he suffers from Alzheimers. Or he will say something like: Why is the electricity bill so high and that I need to work better with our expenses to stop it from being so high. But I am not the only one consuming electricity!

He just uses the same old he

He just uses the same old he doesn't have more money excuse. Or he tells me that its the f'd up legal system that makes him pay CS (his justification for not giving towards ours).

He always has money for himself. He goes out every Saturday, all day, to the race track, where he drinks with his friends. On Sundays, he goes to the MX track where he rides his motorcross bike. He spends his money zooping up his car with mags and sound etc. There is always money...

Yeah, mine loved to bitch

Yeah, mine loved to bitch about the amount I spent on groceries. He was the one eating me out of house and home and yet it was MY fault that the grocery bill was so high every month! SMDH

Ok..maybe I am in a bad mood

Ok..maybe I am in a bad mood but so many post are rubbing me the wrong way today.

YOU allow him to do this. YOU got pregnant by him not once, but twice. Why would he change if you allow this.

You know this situation is not right, but YOU are the only one that can fix it. find your inner goddess and make him take care of ALL of his kids.

How?

Does he get paid every week,

Does he get paid every week, every two weeks?

You sit him down and show him the budget. Tell him he is responsible for 1/2 of everything. EVERYTHING. You tell him that you will not/can not keep doing this on your own and you are stopping right now.

Then you give him an amount that he has to give you every time he gets paid. That means he pays you the DAY he gets paid. If he does not pay, then you have the cable turned off. (Yes, you will suffer, but only until you teach him a lesson). Then if he continues not to pay, have cell phones cut off. (NOT YOURS!). Then if he still does not pay, have internet turned off. Then water, gas, electric.

If it gets to the electric and water being turned off, you need go stay in a hotel or apartment, with your kids until he gets his crap together and understands that you are not his sugar momma.

I swear you and I are always

I swear you and I are always on the same page

I suggested that too but I don't know :/

I know huh!? We are. I

I know huh!? We are.

I think she is going to come back with and every excuse as to why SHE can not control HER life. sigh

See her reply to sue above.

See her reply to sue above. I knew something was off and wondered if perhaps she was afraid of her DH. For some reason the excuses usually signal a deeper issue.

Op being afraid is no way to live. You have options and its not an easy road. Please think of your girls and what their childhood will be like if you stay in a marriage based on fear. You are obviously smart and capable, dont let some asshole loser take that away from you. Its ultimatum time. Just have your ducks in a row before giving ultimatum but I agree with sue on this one, he isnt going anywhere on his own, life is good for him if you're footing the bills.

Yeah, these types don't leave

Yeah, these types don't leave voluntarily, and why should they? They've got it made and they know it! They'll use every trick in the book to stay on that gravy train.

My ex was like that, and he sounds a lot like OP's guy.

Sleepless, you're going to have to get your ducks in a row and lay it on the line for this guy. Get with the program or get the hell out. Don't raise your girls to end up with a jerk like this. If they grow up around it, that's what they're likely to look for in a man, whether they realize it or not.

Your girls - and you - deserve MUCH better!

His business is a registered

His business is a registered CC and he is sole member. So he draws a salary whenever he wants, in whatever amount he wants. But he always says there isn't money.

It seems to me from my

It seems to me from my experience for the past 10 years is dh attitudes with all of them is related to GUILT. I think the reason he is spending more money on his kids from a previous marriage, is he knows your love for your children together is solid, where as he feels guilty for his children from another mother as not solid, and somehow feels he's to blame for that! Unfortunately, his kids pick up on that, and ram the guilt trip down his throat! Daddy, your kids with her have a mother and father, your divorce from our mother left us feeling abandoned! And then you get to deal with the guilty feelings of your husband until you put your foot down, and demand he treat your marriage as having equal shares in every decision when it comes to money! If you dont, believe me, you will be giving up what is rightfully yours for as long as the marriage lasts! My husband taught his adult kids, by telling them every time they wanted something to not let me know! And now, I've resorted to secretly putting funds in my account, and making sure that I will always have a separate account for me! And to think that this is a marriage? Be careful....

I would be bullshit.

I think it's time to legally

I think it's time to legally revisit his arrangement with his ex. CS and insurance premiums can only take up 50% of disposable income (net amount after taxes only) and if he is contributing so little to your own household, then there's something amiss. I know it's expensive, but it may be time to get the attorney involved, especially since your expenses are only going to go up with the new baby.

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