I Disengaged!
I finally decided to put my sanity first and disengaged. I no longer tuck them in at night, help with homework, and the only time I talk to them in when they ask me a question, which they now mostly ask their dad. They don't seem upset about it, and the silence has been glorious! I finally listened to all the advice on this site about the kids having two capable parents. If those two capable parents choose not to parent, it's not my problem! And if it does become my problem, I will ensure that DH corrects the problem. I feel like I'm able to focus on my relationship with DH, where before I was exhausted from work and being at the constant demand of his kids.
I do have that pang of guilt though... Leaving it all up to DH to take care of them; parenting isn't meant to be a one person job. And the kids having two extremes for parents... it just doesn't seem healthy. But the world hasn't fallen apart. The kids seem content with me not being involved, I'm a little less stressed and anxious, so hooray for everyone!!
- KidlessSM86's blog
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Does the disengagement work
Does the disengagement work against you by you skids saying "she doesn't care!" I've tried the whole disengagement and it doesn't work. Everytime she asks me a? I tell her to talk to her dad. She then says you always say that. My response to her is you are going to do what you want to do anyhow so there's no point for me to answer the ?. It's so frustrating. I didn't sign up for the stuff that is thrown my way. I also get you don't lay with me in bed, you don't take me anywhere etc etc. You can only get treated like garbage for so long.. Then it's time to throw in the towel.
So far they haven't
So far they haven't questioned why I haven't been involved. I can think of a couple reasons for this:
a) they've been getting in trouble for a while and weren't allowed to do anything anyways
b) perhaps they've mentioned to BM that I'm not so interested in them, and she's encouraging that they keep their distance for her own benefit
c) I was right all along and they couldn't have cared less about all the things I did for them.
Either way, I win!