I have a four year old step son who my husband and I have full physical custody of. My ss absolutely adores his cousins and talks about them constantly. However, my husband and I are both having issues with his sister and ss's oldest cousin. Husbands sister and her oldest child (who is 16 and now has an infant) have said some very rude things to both of us recently and are now saying that they do not want to speak to me and will not be attending our anniversary party this spring. It all seems to have come out of nowhere although privately i think she has never approved of me (i am white, husband is black). Every time that we send ss to her house for a sleepover or to play, she makes comments to whoever is dropping him off about his clothing. once my ss came home and refused to wear his brand new pair of sneakers for three days because my sister in law had talked so much junk to him about them. she will ask my step son or husband who put this or that on him, hoping that it was me and that she will have an opportunity to speak poorly of me. she also says inappropriate things around my ss (ex. we want to enroll him in karate and have been saving money to do so and she began talking in front of ss about what a waste of money etc etc). this past weekend, my ss spent the night with his cousins and when he came home, he would not look me in the eye, hug me or kiss me hello which is our normal routine when he gets home from preschool or a friend's house or where ever. when we are around my sister in law or her oldest child, he will not hug me good bye and ignores me as if i do not exist. when my ss was much younger and barely walking, my husband's oldest niece would walk up to me, give me a death glare, take ss from me, and walk away without a word. bringing any of this up to sister in law will only escalate the situation and that is the last thing i want to do. i am concerned that my sister in law is saying even more inappropriate things to my very impressionable ss when my husband and i are not around. my husband thinks that there may be some jealousy. I am very irritated and mildly confused about why i am being talked to like this, and why my ss is being talked to like this, by a 16 year old and a woman who is old enough to be my mother (who i have been attempting to "kill with kindness" since my now husband and i started dating two years ago) and who supposedly love him and want the best for him.
My own mother never got along with my aunt and i was kept from having a close relationship with my cousins because of it and i do not want to repeat her mistakes but i feel uneasy sending him to their house. My ss loves his cousins and the new baby and is very close to them and i think that family is very important but i dont want him to be around people who intentionally skew his little world view if i can help it. i would love some advice from more experienced parents.