As in you both actively discipline a child in your own home, step or bio?
We do, well did, SD19 left in June to live on BM's couch. We had standard rules & punishments posted on the fridge. Anything where the kids were soo good we couldn't think of the situation they got themselves in, kid gets sent to room DH & I talk it out & come up with ideas together.
The most important part of co-parenting is backing one another up - even if you don't agree or think the other person over-reacted.
I have run the gamut of being fully involved and being almost uninvolved with my two step children, so here is what I have found:
When they were younger, (then SD10 and SS8) were much easier for me to co-parent with my husband. We also have my bio son, who was seven when we first got together. Because the children were so close in age, and because we arranged for them to all be on the same schedule with us, it was much easier for us to co-parent in virtual harmony. Of course, you and your spouse have to be on the same page when it comes to all issues of parenting in order for this to work. It makes all the difference.
We manage this despite his children's bio mom sabotaging our efforts. For a number of years, this went off pretty much without a hitch. We were equal disciplinarians, equal as far as educating the children (I handled the school stuff, and he handled the everyday living education) and our expectations of behavior were very clear to all our children at all times.
Fast forward a few years, and coparenting really isn't the option for us any longer. Our children are now 17, 15 and 14. Age 14 seems to be the magic number where his children so far (mine might also take this path!) became far more challenging than they are worth to me as a step mother.
If I were to dissect what went wrong, this is what I would find:
1. His children never really voiced their opinions on any subject up until around age 14. And unfortunately, they never really learned an appropriate way to do so. This might have something to do with their mother, who shows the same characteristics. So what they started to do was simply ignore any instructions they didn't wish to complete. They would acknowledge the instruction, agree to the instruction, and then just not do it. What they were doing with becoming passive aggressive. Not exactly a healthy way to live your life. We didn't recognize what they were doing at first, and by the time we did it was almost too late.
2. His children began to see that life is easier at their mom's house, where they get away with more; they began to compare rules and treats and other things that teenagers compare. Bio mom doesn't make them do homework, she doesn't get involved in their education, she doesn't make them do anything if they don't want to do it.
3. They started lying. And all the lying just destroys everything. It doesn't matter if it harmless or a whopper, lying ruins trust and without trust there's not a heck of a lot left.
So what do we do now? Well, the rules of the house are still the rules of the house. They apply to everyone and are enforced by both parents. But child specific parenting? That has been pushed back completely to natural parents only. Any education, healthcare, clothing needs, housing needs, just emotional support - that is up to the bio parents. That isn't to say that my husband and I don't discuss everything together, because we do. He needs to vent, I need to vent, and we need to just talk because we are couple that shares these things. But I have most certainly disengaged from my two stepchildren, and my husband, while never quite as involved with my son, has to hold back a little bit now too because of the frustrations that have come along.
It has a lot to do with the children themselves. As much as we want to blame the other parents involved, put it all down to "well it must be her fault or his fault".... Ultimately the children are making their own decisions particularly when they reach puberty. If they are deciding to be involved in the family, then you end up with better dynamics. But if they aren't, such as in the case of my two stepchildren, and they are trying to be difficult in order to reach their own objectives, things just won't work out in a fairytale way. Once the children decide they no longer wish to communicate with you, there's precious little you can do to keep things smooth.
It was hurtful for me to realize that all the influence that I thought I had been on them, was nonetheless still overshadowed by the influence of their mother. But I know ultimately it is their choice to pick the people that they wish to emulate - and if that isn't going to be me, then I have to accept it and move on. It is far more important to me that our life at home be peaceful, than it is important for me to be acknowledged as "right" or important. So for us, that means I deal with the things that are happening in my son's life, and my husband can deal with the issues that are happening in his kids' lives.
As in you both actively
As in you both actively discipline a child in your own home, step or bio?
We do, well did, SD19 left in June to live on BM's couch. We had standard rules & punishments posted on the fridge. Anything where the kids were soo good we couldn't think of the situation they got themselves in, kid gets sent to room DH & I talk it out & come up with ideas together.
The most important part of co-parenting is backing one another up - even if you don't agree or think the other person over-reacted.
I have run the gamut of being
I have run the gamut of being fully involved and being almost uninvolved with my two step children, so here is what I have found:
When they were younger, (then SD10 and SS8) were much easier for me to co-parent with my husband. We also have my bio son, who was seven when we first got together. Because the children were so close in age, and because we arranged for them to all be on the same schedule with us, it was much easier for us to co-parent in virtual harmony. Of course, you and your spouse have to be on the same page when it comes to all issues of parenting in order for this to work. It makes all the difference.
We manage this despite his children's bio mom sabotaging our efforts. For a number of years, this went off pretty much without a hitch. We were equal disciplinarians, equal as far as educating the children (I handled the school stuff, and he handled the everyday living education) and our expectations of behavior were very clear to all our children at all times.
Fast forward a few years, and coparenting really isn't the option for us any longer. Our children are now 17, 15 and 14. Age 14 seems to be the magic number where his children so far (mine might also take this path!) became far more challenging than they are worth to me as a step mother.
If I were to dissect what went wrong, this is what I would find:
1. His children never really voiced their opinions on any subject up until around age 14. And unfortunately, they never really learned an appropriate way to do so. This might have something to do with their mother, who shows the same characteristics. So what they started to do was simply ignore any instructions they didn't wish to complete. They would acknowledge the instruction, agree to the instruction, and then just not do it. What they were doing with becoming passive aggressive. Not exactly a healthy way to live your life. We didn't recognize what they were doing at first, and by the time we did it was almost too late.
2. His children began to see that life is easier at their mom's house, where they get away with more; they began to compare rules and treats and other things that teenagers compare. Bio mom doesn't make them do homework, she doesn't get involved in their education, she doesn't make them do anything if they don't want to do it.
3. They started lying. And all the lying just destroys everything. It doesn't matter if it harmless or a whopper, lying ruins trust and without trust there's not a heck of a lot left.
So what do we do now? Well, the rules of the house are still the rules of the house. They apply to everyone and are enforced by both parents. But child specific parenting? That has been pushed back completely to natural parents only. Any education, healthcare, clothing needs, housing needs, just emotional support - that is up to the bio parents. That isn't to say that my husband and I don't discuss everything together, because we do. He needs to vent, I need to vent, and we need to just talk because we are couple that shares these things. But I have most certainly disengaged from my two stepchildren, and my husband, while never quite as involved with my son, has to hold back a little bit now too because of the frustrations that have come along.
It has a lot to do with the children themselves. As much as we want to blame the other parents involved, put it all down to "well it must be her fault or his fault".... Ultimately the children are making their own decisions particularly when they reach puberty. If they are deciding to be involved in the family, then you end up with better dynamics. But if they aren't, such as in the case of my two stepchildren, and they are trying to be difficult in order to reach their own objectives, things just won't work out in a fairytale way. Once the children decide they no longer wish to communicate with you, there's precious little you can do to keep things smooth.
It was hurtful for me to realize that all the influence that I thought I had been on them, was nonetheless still overshadowed by the influence of their mother. But I know ultimately it is their choice to pick the people that they wish to emulate - and if that isn't going to be me, then I have to accept it and move on. It is far more important to me that our life at home be peaceful, than it is important for me to be acknowledged as "right" or important. So for us, that means I deal with the things that are happening in my son's life, and my husband can deal with the issues that are happening in his kids' lives.
Thanks all! I appreciate your
Thanks all! I appreciate your feedback.
dtzyblnd, thank you. For real.