Ok, I'm new here. Hi. After today I've finally decided to find some internet place where people might- just might- know where I'm coming from.

So, the background. It's long, you've been forwarded.

Me: Divorced, one 11 year old girl. Shared custody, very firm schedule. Abusive relationship, messy divorce. Split up in 2009, finalized end of 2010. Long story, not super relevant at the moment.

BF: Divorced, 3 kids- 14year old boy (school says he's got Aspergers), 12yo boy (has had sleepwalking and firebug issues, though he's actually stabled out. Most level middle child I've ever met in my life), 11yo girl (she's...something else). No firm schedule. Messy, messy divorce. She bailed when the girl was 6months old. That was back in 2003. She flitted in and out for the next couple of years. It came out that she had not once been faithful, brought parentage of the latter two into doubt. Eventually that was resolved- he's certain the two are his.Divorce was finalized in 2007.
BF and I met, oh, late '07, our kids went to the same daycare. We started spend more time together in 2008.

BF and I have lived together (officially) since 2011. He moved in with me, we shared a house with my dad until this past summer. We moved into a new house. BF and I have been together (officially) since 2010. Up until right about that point his ex had flitted about, from random guy to random guy. BF had two girlfriends that I know of before me. One hates me, the other likes me- long story. So in 2010 his ex settled on a guy and had a bizarre sort of stability (has since been evicted twice, burnt one duplex down). So current guy is a drunk, stoned, racist douche. Drunk, like, drinks a big thing of high proof Jack in an evening. Stoned as in he and ex-wife (I'll call her L) have had the kids pack the bong for them because they were too stoned to do it.
So every time the kids come over they are covered in a thick haze of tobacco, etc smoke. I grew up with a smoker, so I guess this it what it must have been like for other people. Shit. It's bad.

I mean, I'm a liberal person. Legalize it, tax it, regulate it and all that jazz, but come on. There's is stuff you just don't do.
And with this I may swing a little bit old fashioned, but housekeeping? Place is trashed. Dogs shit inside, clothes and filthy dishes cover the place. She's the type of person who, when something gets dirty or messed up she discards it and buys something new rather than clean it. I mean, my house isn't perfect but it's not squalor. It's not huge, but it's a full 3/2/2 and we rigged up the garage as a TV/game room for them. The other place is a small 2/1 duplex. There's worse stories, and stuff I don't even know about. I think you may get the idea.

L has a veritable campaign against me. Like she makes it clear to the kids that they don't have to respect or listen to me. So it doesn't matter that I actually care about them, do nice things for them, that I put thought into the gifts I give them. It doesn't matter that we provide a stable house, always have food, do all the birthdays. If it weren't for me there wouldn't be a nice place. I just want some acknowledgment and acceptance. I don't want to take her place, I just want them to try. I want them to full fill their potential,which is a lot, and L will just drag them down and keep them in poverty.

You know what? I know it's not personal. I could be anyone. It's not about me. It's about L and her regret and her anger. It still stings and pisses me off.

The oldest, H, tend to take things that aren't his. Especially if they're video game oriented.

And my daughter, V. Yeah, she plays me like a fiddle, but she's nice. She really tries to accept them and work with them. She does things for them to show that she cares about them, but she gets pushed out. J, his daughter, she's just flat out mean sometimes. And violent. That girls got issues. Some of them chemical, I've been told that L drank while she was pregnant with J. The insults, the meanness didn't start till L came back into their lives. The girls get along 80-90% of them time.

And God forbid I call them on it. It just turns into me being mean and horrible. Yeah, BF backs me. But take yesterday.

I take BF to work, swing by the store and head home. I get there and the girls ask about making cookies. V has been itching to decorate the tree, and has been waiting very patiently for the other kids to all be here so she brings that up. I tell them to let me eat something first, and I ask J if she would prefer to wait till her dad get's home. She says yes. Ok. I go about my morning routine. Bathroom, etc. I hear the girls debating about the tree topper. He brought an angel to the Christmas horde, my family has always used stars. I tell them in no uncertain terms to drop it, we'll figure it out later. Note: past two year we've used the angel. Also note: I really don't care what goes on the top.
They go off to the garage, then a couple minutes later my daughter comes tearing out of there visibly upset saying that J told her that our ornaments didn't belong on the tree.
Still haven't eaten yet and not really wanting to deal with this crap today I go to the garage.

I go (probably a little snappish, but come on): so you said our ornaments don't belong on the tree?

J: No.

Me: What did you say?

J: Nothing!

Me (still not yelling): Look-

H (butting in): She didn't say-

Me: Stay out of this.

H: No, I'm defending my sister you can't falsely accuse her.

Me: H, shut up! This doesn't concern you.

H: OR what? (Crosses his arms smugly)

Me: I'll call your dad. (at this point I'm well and truly pissed off)

H: So?

I call bf, tell him what's happened. He talks to H. Hangs up. H says he was told to give me his electronics, but he says he's not going to do that. He's calling his mom.

I call bf back, tell him. He says come get him. I do. He's pissed. Calls the kids out.
H proceeds to escalate things. That doesn't work out well for him because BF is 6'2 and 280. H... is not (to clarify, BF never struck H) H lets it be known that I'm unfairly persecuting them, that I'm a crappy adult. J says she'll never me or V even if we do get married.
I've had it at this point. I storm off, then I double back and let it out.
I really don't remember what I said. I was pissed off, hungry, hadn't taken my anti anxiety medication yet. That I cared about them, but that doesn't matter. That I put thought and care into doing things for them and their Christmas presents. I lay in about L's guy/common law husband.

I go to my room, my daughter follows. I didn't really hear what bf said to the kids. It got pretty heavy. I think he cried a bit. I've never seen him cry.

It's stupid that my relationship hinges on the whims of a 14 year old. But I don't hate the kids and there's no way for me to connect with them.

I had their maternal grandmothers support, but she died last year. I have their paternal grandmothers support, but she's in Seattle.

She told me that there was literally nothing I can do, that BF and I will have to just work through it. They'll either come around, or they won't.

I just really wanted to vent, I don't think there's any advice to give that I haven't been given already. Thanks for reading.

I've gotten mixed messages about my temperament- I'm either too nice or too mean.