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I thought I might start telling my daily story here.

ladyhutch's picture

Submitted by ladyhutch on Thu, 11/14/2013 - 1:28pm

Or every other day or however often I get around to it.

I'm so sad and angry anymore I don't know how to function. I started writing a letter to my family but couldn't even get the words out.

It came out wrong. Its unfinished. But here it is:

I am not even sure where to begin, so I am just going to write.

I have been reading a lot about blended families and how to make it work, and the biggest piece of advice I keep getting is a technique for abused stepmothers to disengage. I am leaning more and more in that direction every day.

Disengaging means I no longer take any sort of role in the lives of my stepchildren. No more cooking for you, cleaning for you, scheduling dr appointments, paying allowances, helping you get what you want from dad, conversations, laundry...nothing. I do nothing for you. Your dad has to handle it all.

It sucks. I never wanted it to come to that. I hate the idea. But I also need to protect myself and my feelings, because if is abundantly clear that I am the low man on the totem pole in this house, and no one will care for or protect me but me.

I'm going to address Dad first.

Husband -

I am really sad. And I know that you know that my heart is broken, and I am hurting so badly I can barely function. What hurts most is you know it, you see it, and you ignore it completely.

You are a Disney dad. It sucks to see you spoil your kids. I am not talking about giving them anything and everything they want spoiling, even though you do that to the point that I cannot pay our bills, but spoil them in the sense that they are never going to understand money, responsibility, or reality. They are going to depend on us for the rest of their lives, and while you might enjoy that, it destroys their self esteem, drive and ambition. Why bother if daddy will do it?

I am in agony seeing you kill yourself working to feed these kids with gifts and candy.

You never stand up for me. You make fun of me in front of the kids. You say I am the problem, I complain too much, I am no fun, I am too hard on them. Yes, I have rules. None of them are too much or difficult. Keep your room clean, do your chores, get decent grades, go to school, treat me with some respect. I know, awful of me, eh? I am just trying to be a decent parent.

You flat out ignore what hurts me.

You isolate me. You make decisions with the kids that should include me. You make plans with the kids that should include me.

I feel like a slave around here.

SD15

Your lying and manipulating is out of control. I know you do drugs, send and receive naked pictures with boys, smoke electronic cigarettes and tell all your friends I am the stepmonster.

That sucks considering everything I do for you. The fights I have with your father on your behalf...taking you to over 20 dr appointments in 3 months for everything from a nail that was falling off and growing back just fine, to a fake knee injury. Your need for attention, especially medical attention, is overwhelming.

The lying is insanity level. I have never seen anything like it.

The entitlement is also out of control. I just can't keep up with your list of wants and needs. And it is driving us into the poor house.

SD13

I love being treated like the interloper in my own home and family. Keep it up. And yeah, even though mom and dad seperated 7 years before I ever came into the picture, I get that you are convinced I am the other woman. Newsflash, genius, I didn't split them up.

I am sick of the insults to my cooking. It feels like you have raped away part of my identity. You can cook for yourself from now on. I don't care anymore how much you hate my food.

I'm not getting you shit for christmas. If the only time you want to have a discussion with me is to tell me what you want me to buy you, sorry about your luck. I buy gifts for people who treat me well, not because I am obliged.

If you love grandma and mom so much, go back to them. By all means.

Oh and a 2 year old doesn't have the emotional capability of sabotaging your life. You are doing that all on your own. Stop blaming him and stop blaming me.

DS2

I love you more than I can breathe. Please see that and stop rejecting mommy.

Comments

IslandGal's picture

Submitted by IslandGal on Thu, 11/14/2013 - 8:38pm

Chin up girl! I know you're hurting right now but trust me - only you can fix that - not your DH and nobody else - only you.

Start taking care of YOU. Learn to start putting your needs first. Everyone else has to start taking care of themself - in other words - disengage from the whole bang lot of them.

No more! No more! No more!

Live your life - take time out - go for a walk and enjoy outside. Learn to get them out of your head so you can make room for more of what makes you happy. Yes, it's gonna be hard - but it gets easier the more you try.

Do NOT let these bastards get you down - you're stronger than that (you know damn well you are).. and live your life the way you want to!

If you keep on giving to them, what are you proving to yourself? That your own needs aren't worthy? That everyone else's happiness comes first? That is pure bullshit!! YOU are the most important one here and if you went nuts, what would happen to everyone else? Nothing - they would keep on carrying on... so, for the love of all that's sweet and good - focus on YOU!!

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Thu, 11/14/2013 - 9:26pm

Welcome, let it out, but you may want to delete the names from your post to keep your account safe.

It sounds like hell, your dh sounds like an asshole. Have you ever tried getting him to counseling?

Victoria4338's picture

Submitted by Victoria4338 on Fri, 11/15/2013 - 10:33am

}:)
Confession Time!
I have been a SM for 18 years. At times, I thought I was going to lose my mind. But I found my way to handle the stress.

My SD’s were/are spoiled and unappreciative. The real issues started when they hit middle school. Disrespectful, condescending, down right rude. My husband never wanting to upset the princess didn’t back me up. So what is a SM to do?
Lets start with dinner, know matter what I served, they complained. So, I just cooked what I liked, fish, vegs, etc. You get the idea. Well of course the girls don’t like that stuff. So dinner would be served, they would complain. So one day, I got up from the table grab the bread and PB and say make your own dinner! That single moment changed my attitude and prospective. I did have control. I didn’t have to take their attitudes lying down. My husband wasn’t supporting me. I was not going lose my sanity.
So here is where the confession comes in. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. Like picking up after them, left their cloths/shoes/books all over the house. When asked to put them away, rolling of the eyes, etc. So I would hide them. Sorry can’t find your fav shoes, what book no idea, where did you leave it? So after a time, my husband just got tired of hearing them complain about their lost or misplace stuff. So ready for it? Well if you would have put your stuff away like SM said you would no where it is. Yep! LOL
Confession 2, I didn’t stop there. My SD’s are so into designer labels that I want to gag! So since middle school, and since I buy the bDay or Xmas gifts. I go to Walmart/Ross/TJM/BCF, since I know they will hate it no matter what I get. I keep it under $30 each. Wait for a few weeks after said event. Then return it for refund. In all these years, they have never ever missed or said anything about their missing gifts. My husband is clueless about this, he just thinks I’m great for buying the gifts because he hates to shop.
Confession 3. I stopped doing laundry. I do mine. My daughter does hers. The fireworks from this one were huge. But I explained to my husband that until I’m shown on a consistent bases respect, I’m not their molly maid.
Confession 4. The spy. I installed spyware on their computers. I know every site they visit, every password. I can access there systems from mine at anytime. I know when they are lying to my husband on where they are going and with whom. So for example SD was 14, said she was spending the night at a friend. I knew she was going to a hotel party. (Now if I had just told my husband, I would be the bad guy. Kill the messenger). So this hotel has a lovely restaurant. So we went there for dinner. OMG look who it is, why would she be here. ??? LOL
Confession 5. When oldest SD was 16. She kind of caught on, She’s not stupid. So she confronts me. I say yep. She looks at me shock on her face; I lean in and very quietly say. You’re a little b, but I’m the B Queen. And since that time, she is now 22. She gets that I’m not going to just take it. Not going to wait for my husband to check in, get a clue.