SD 15 changing, normal teen crap?
Ok, so I Have been around my SD who will be15 next week for 3 1/2 years now. She is changing and I don't really like who she's becoming. She is becoming very obnoxious. She has to put her two cents on everything that goes on. She always messes with her little sister, SD5, giving her sarcastic answers when she says or asks something, she is very rough and careless around our baby, 17 months, and she plays too much. Example, last week, she was on the phone with my BDs, 11 and 7, and when she got off, I asked for my phone back, and she did that annoying thing when you pull your hand back when someone reaches for it. So, is at there, looked at her, and didn't say anything. She said "what?" With a smile on her face and I just said you play too much. She and her mother got angry with me. She has also gotten very lazy. She comes home and plops her ass on the sofa to watch tv. She has chores that her mother gave her and she just doesn't do them on a consistent basis. Maybe once or twice a week. Then she has the balls to bitch when she gets called out on it. She is rude and talks back to her mother, which drives me crazy! And I feel my wife coddles her. She's gonna be 15 next week and complains when my wife does anything with the 5 year old and not her. Yesterday was the 5 year old's birthday and when my wife asked her what piece of cake she wanted and she answered, here comes SD15 to say, "I wanted a that piece". She leaves the side door to the house open, she leaves every fuckin light in the house on when she's home alone, and last week left the burner on for over 7 hours! Actually left the house and came back with the burner on that whole time. So my question is, is this just normal teenage behavior or is it something else. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She has just started changing and is just an asshole lately. I tried to talk to my wife about it, but she gets defensive and we end up fighting. What do I do?
^^^^ This ^^^
^^^^ This ^^^
SHe does parent out of guilt,
SHe does parent out of guilt, but no, she didn't defend her leaving the burner on for 7 hours. She got at her, but there was no real consequence. She turned on her "I'm going to ignore you and be mad at you cause I fucked up" attitude. They then went with their BD on Saturday and came home Sunday to no consequence.
It honestly sounds like you
It honestly sounds like you are living my worst nightmare... When you have your own bio kids
and this Skid is there just trying to ruin everything because they are jealous or what not. I would say you should seriously speak to your wife. At FIFTEEN this kid knows right from wrong and should be conducting herself as a responsible teen... sounds like she needs to learn some consequences and real fast before shes older and sneaking out her window at night.
And why does she think she can talk to you in any way that isn't respectful? She either likes to play around with you which is kind of cute, or she has zero respect for you as an adult and thinks your a big joke. I had a step dad. Bless his soul as he is not with me anymore.
but I'll tell you right now, I respect him and my father equally, and I would not talk to him rudely. I believe our bond was a combination of my mom letting me know that he was in control as the man of the house, and thus did discipline me sometimes (I was a bad teen and deserved it) and also that me and him bonded on things that he liked and things that I liked. And when mom was being a jerk... I could always talk to my step-dad. He knew everything about me always. I also never gave him the 'your not my dad' speech, because he was my daddy. He was there everyday with me for years... and he went through the toughest years of my life with me day in and day out...
Maybe you need to bond with this kid? Maybe become closer to her so she gets to really love and respect you? your wife is doing her ZERO favours by letting her run the show, and letting her not be accountable. She has little time to correct this behavior.
I do have a bond with her and
I do have a bond with her and we have had many tender moments. Like I said, she's changing. She should be getting more mature, and in many ways, she's actually becoming less mature. I don't like who she's becoming.
Teenage girls are assholes. I
Teenage girls are assholes.
I have lived through 2 so far and the third is still cranking the hormones out at full speed.
I have learned I cannot control my spouses way of dealing with his kids. Sometimes he is disney, others times he is over the top in punishing them.
Myself? I don't 'discipline his kids'.
However, they are aware of the fact that my willingness to do them favors (such as loaning her your phone), driving them anywhere, buying anything, loaning them my vehicle etc: directly relates to how "I" feel they have been behaving.
My involvement or lack there of does not have shit to do with my spouse: it directly relates to how the skids conduct themselves and how they treat me.
So if a skid comes to me with can I borrow the car to go to the movies on Friday.
"Nope... you did not do your chores."
or
"Sure, your grades are good, chores done. Be home by curfew"
My DH will not even argue it with me, the car is mine to loan or not.
Checks and balances.
Perhaps it is time you made your list step dad and see if you can reign in the bitchy princess.
http://steptogether.org/disen
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
It's honestly teenager BS ~
It's honestly teenager BS ~ doesn't make it right. Consequences need to be in place. Don't argue with her ~ just everything has a consequence. You don't do your chores ~ no phone plain n simple. Talking sarcastic ~ will get you in your room.
I find my 14/17 yo doing that to my 9 yo n she doesn't understand it n it only starts fight.
You just gotta keep on top of everything.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the replies. I really appreciate it.
Sounds to me like its
Sounds to me like its building up for you so you are doing the right thing. Vent and also acknowledge the impact that it is having on you. I found 15 was the worst with SD17. The secret is with the parent taking responsibility. If they fail to then unfortunately disengaging is the only answer. Most of us have to manage a balance of the two. Influence the parent to parent or if that fails disengage.
Do not ever hand her the power of letting SD know there is a gap! I promise that is what she wants. She's 15 and it is when a teenager is trying to get power in the household.
Well, the problem has
Well, the problem has worsened. SD15 went to her guidance counselor and had a meeting with her mother and basically said she doesn't want to live in our house anymore because of the way I treat them. I will admit that I have been hard on them, but I am hard on my own BDs as well. I thought I was doing the right thing by "treating them as I treat my own". She says that I "give everything" to my BDs but her and SD5 I "don't give them anything". She says that when I first moved in I helped their mother, but now I "am no help". She says I embarrass her the way I treat her mother in public. She also said that I get mad at her mother when she does anything with or for her and her sister. Now, I have some rebuttals to this. First, I don't give my BDs anything outside of child support, not by choice, but by necessity. I simply do not have any money left over to buy extras for ANYONE, including myself and my wife. I am no help? I cook, clean, do laundry, pick up from school, yardwork, help them with homework, all the things dads do. So for her to say I am "no help" is an insult to me. She is no help. She has chores to do, which never get done. But that's besides the point. She said she is depressed and has considered suicide. I know that is not something to play with, but I swear, if you were to meet this kid, that would be the last thought on your mind. I am upset, and I am hurt. She is very immature for her age. She gets jealous when her younger sister spends time with her mother. She is very jealous and possessive of her mother. She likes to "snuggle" with her mother, tries to sit on her lap, etc. She cannot be in the house alone without putting on every light in the house. She left the burner on for 7 hours 2 weeks ago. I know I play a role in this problem, but it is not ALL me. Thanks for allowing me to rant. I don't know what to do other than to disengage.
She is testing her power and
She is testing her power and doing her best to mess with your head via the counsellor and comments.
Work so hard on disengaging. Make it your only project now. Reward the parent profusely every time they take a step towards good parenting and otherwise focus on raising your children well with good values.