Guys,

I need somewhere to get these feelings out! I'm sorry to drop this on you guys, but I need support. I have changed all names and have associated them with the respective people using "HerName" "HerBoyx" or "MyGirlx" where applicable.

I am married (2 months) to a woman that I absolutely adore. I love her in every way possible except for ONE. We each have 3 children from previous marriages, one of hers is 19 (boy "HerBoy1") and lives with his father. The other two (14 girl "HerGirl1", 9 boy "HerBoy2") live with us in "our" home. My children are (14 boy "MyBoy1", 11 girl "MyGirl1" and 9 girl "MyGirl2").

Here is the problem (short and sweet). Every single thing that my children do is under a microscope, yet hers are treated as if they don't do hardly anything wrong at all. It's all about how my children are hurting her children or causing some type of distress to them. All the while, her own 9yr SON is a problem child himself. He outright "consciously" lies, ignores and causes trouble with other children, yet "he's just being a kid". I TOO have a problem child, my 11yr old girl. She lies, twists what people say, is conniving and talks about people behind their backs. I make no excuses for my child other than the common fact that she is craving some form of attention that she feels she isn’t getting. That fact though does not stop me from disciplining her, up to the point of the occasional physical spanking. I try my best to help give my daughter guidance as she gets no guidance whatsoever from her natural mother or grandmother. I am the only one who even tries to get this child straight. It’s to the point with disciplining ALL of my children that I’m exhausted half the time for having to be an asshole to them to get them to behave and do what’s expected… Yet my wife’s children, well they’re always provided excuses for while mine are under the spotlight. And her children are just as bad as mine, but naturally in different ways. She though doesn’t see that because they’re “her” kids. I see it though because they’re not “my” kids.

I’ve tried to broach this topic with her several times, but each and every time, she simply gets defensive and we get nowhere. I’m at my wits end and refuse to exist in another marriage where everyone is miserable. It does no good to her and her children or me and my children if everybody is miserable.

This is the ONLY thing that we disagree on. The rest of our relationship is exactly what I have always wanted. Right now, we’re friends, lovers and partners in life in all ways besides this.

So I ask, what should I do? Am I being unreasonable? Am I just being a jerk?

Below is an email that I sent to her last night. At 8:06pm she stopped speaking to me. At 9:00pm she got up, went to our bedroom, took a bath and went to bed without so much as one word. This morning, after reading the following email to her, she called me to defend herself by telling me that she was mad because I didn’t correct my 9yr old daughter for not going to bed on time, and that it was “just another incident” of how I let my kids get away with things that I don’t let hers get away with. Mind you, she’s heard me on MULTIPLE occasions yell at my children for dragging their feet and not being in bed on time. I didn’t even see my daughter in the kitchen last night, or I would have been on her about not being in bed just as I always am. Yet her 9yr old son “gets ready” for bed at 8pm when they’re supposed to “be in” bed… I could go on forever with examples, but this will be quite long enough as it is… Be honest (as I'm sure you will be) and tell me... I'm more than willing to correct what I can for this issue if it's me... This has been going on since she moved in. But it appears and then disappears IAW her level of frustration with my children. I've addressed this before, and thought we had reached a reasonable resolution or I wouldn't have married her.

Below is the email followed by this morning’s IM conversation… Thanks for your help on this, perhaps I just needed to vent to "someone/anyone"... Again, sorry for the length.

----Email from last night---
HerName,

I sit here at 12:10am with all sorts of things running through my mind. You’re quite obviously pissed at me because of what happened with your son tonight. I don’t know what to say. I see things one way, you see them another. I see that ALL 3 of the young children should be pulling the covers back on their beds and climbing in at 8pm (which is the time that both you and I agreed on for them to be in bed). I asked all of the children to brush their teeth and comb their hair at 7:45pm just as I do every night. All but HerBoy2 did that; sure MyGirl1 was a couple of minutes behind because of her phone call, but she responded and did what she was asked. HerBoy2 on the other hand, chose to ignore me. Why should he be allowed to “get ready” for bed at 8pm when the others are held to “our” standards is beyond me. I feel that you make excuses for, overlook or just plain don’t care about things that your children do, yet call mine out on almost everything they do. I could recite example after example after example for you, but to what end would that serve? You’d just get mad at me further and find some way to dismiss my allegations. As a matter of fact, I’d venture to say that you’re already feeling defensive and mad at me, and/or possibly thinking that your children are so much better than mine.

The bottom line is this… Our marriage cannot and will not succeed unless we are one family. Your children cannot be held to a different set of standards than mine. And no, I do not think for one second that my children are better than yours. I know that each and every one of my children have their “issues” and I do my absolute best to fight those ongoing issues every second of every day. I’m constantly on them to every extent I can possibly try to get through to them. Does it stop their issues dead in their tracks? No, but I am trying, just as I always have and just as I always will with them. I try to the extent that I’m physically exhausted from having to be an asshole to them all of the time. Now though, I have another group of people pointing out even more of every little thing they do wrong and demanding satisfaction! So, I have to ride my children even more because you are less forgiving with mine. But, during that process, I have to back up and expect to handle your children differently. Just today I had to tell MyGirl2 “no” again to her getting a cell phone, when YOU gave one to HerBoy2 last year. Tell me, how is that equal? I don’t know what your thoughts are with regards to your children. I don’t know why you feel that my children are so much worse than your children. I promise you this though, I’m not insane… I’ve seen it time and time again how you turn the other cheek when yours do something only to jump on mine at the drop of a hat. Case in point, when HerGirl1 burned the pan, you were hot and heavy trying to find out who did it, but then went totally silent when you found out it was HerGirl1. Nothing was ever said about it again, until I had to ask you about it. I guarantee you that you would have pursued it further had it been one of mine that burned the pan. Maybe I’m wrong, but given the history on the subject, I doubt it. I can only guess this much on the subject. I firmly believe that it’s because you love your children, and truthfully don’t love mine. With love comes compassion, patience and forgiveness. You look at your children and feel compassion for them because they have to deal with my children, or because your previous marriage failed, or because their father is not the man you would like him to be. You look at your children and feel patience towards them for the things they do wrong because they’re only children and they’ve had it tough in these last years. You look at your children and you feel forgiveness because they’re only children, YOUR children and they will make mistakes. You do this because you love them… Well my children are no different. They too have to deal with YOUR children who also have similar behavioral flaws as mine. HerBoy2 likes to push the girls’ buttons and aggravate them just as much as the girls aggravate HerBoy2, yet how often do you call HIM out on it versus how often do you call the girls out on it? You mentioned to me the other day that you had to come down on HerGirl1 for the way she was acting towards HerBoy2. Let me ask you this, IF your own daughter will be a “teenage girl” towards her own brother from time to time, don’t you suppose she would be the same “teenage girl” from time to time towards my girls? Yet, when is the last time you corrected her “teenage girl” attitude when it was directed towards my girls? Surely she’s not been a perfect angel towards them since the day that all of you moved in. I’ve not heard about you correcting HerGirl1 on it once; it’s always been about how my girls make her miserable. Your story is not so unique, my children have been through the same tough times as yours and our stories (yours and mine) are in fact very close to the same. All of these children have common needs. They all need stability, LOVE, and guidance. They’ve all got similar histories of broken homes, your children are no different than mine. My children need to know that their step mother is compassionate with them, patient with them and most of all, forgiving of them, this is something I do not see. Just your voice and demeanor alone tell the story when you speak to my children. You have little to no patience with them. This is not how I treat your children, and I would ask that it’s not how you treat my children. Sure, I admit, I have a patience problem myself, but that problem extends to ALL of the children, yours AND mine.

Perhaps I’m out of line with that last paragraph, or this entire email, hell I don’t know. I only know that you and I have had this problem since you moved in. It would surface and then disappear for a while, and then surface again. Yet now, this is the second time in two weeks. I feel like I’m good enough to pay every single bill around here, provide for you, your children and mine (perhaps not the best home around, but at least you haven’t had to worry about a roof over your children’s heads), but my children are only a bother to you. I feel like you and I would get along fine if I never questioned your children and if my children were gone.

I love your children… When I get on them, I get on them to “help” make them better people. When I get mad at them, I get mad at them because I expect the same out of them that I expect out of my children, and no less. When I point out their trivial short comings like not taking out the trash, or not finishing the dishes, or not getting ready on time, I do that because those are the same standards that both YOU and I hold the rest of the children to. When MyBoy1 has to “re-do” the dishes, or when he has to pick up a couple of dishes that HerGirl1 “overlooked”, he does them by himself so that he learns from his mistakes (even though it may take him a thousand times). I don’t go out there and pick through all of HerGirl1’s dishes to find dirty ones and then help MyBoy1 do them because it’s not fair to him. And YES, there has been plenty of times where I’ve found several dirty dishes that HerGirl1 has done, that have ended up back in the sink, that MyBoy1 or MyGirl1 has had to do. Just tonight, I had MyGirl1 re-wash the crock pot bowl. Was it truly dirty (IE washed properly by HerGirl1)? Was it even IN the sink? I don’t know, but this is the reason why I hate clean dishes in the sink. The point is, MyGirl1 asked if she should clean it, and I simply said “Yes please”…

HerName, I love you with all of my heart. I want you in my life with all of my heart. If our marriage is going to work, we have got to treat ALL of the children with the same level of discipline. If not, we are just wasting our time. You will grow to despise my children and eventually me because as things spiral downward, there will come a point where you and I part ways mentally and emotionally and physically. We will lose our friendship (at least I believe that we’re still friends at this point), and everything will unwind from there, leaving us both to wonder why we invested so much time in each other in the first place. I’ve extended myself emotionally, physically and financially to you and your children in every way possible. I’m financially strapped now, in a way I promised myself I would never be again. I actually sat down one day years ago with my children during the darkest part of my life and had to say “goodbye” to them, because I didn’t know when/if I would ever see them again, because I lost EVERYTHING. I’ve opened myself up to you HerName, I’ve made myself vulnerable to you in area’s I’ve promised myself that I never would (just as I’m sure you have with me), in an effort to create a family with you and your children. But creating a family is not possible if there different rules for your children and mine.

I strongly urge you to read this email for what it was intended for. I’m trying to save our marriage here, but can’t do it alone. If you’re not going to allow us to be one family with all children being treated equally, please let me know now so that we can cut our losses, make responsible plans to separate, file for divorce, and move on. If we continue down this HerNameh, I promise you, all of our children as well as you and I will become miserable very quickly. Don’t take the easy way out here, if this is not working for you, and you can’t or don’t want “us” anymore, let me know now so that we can get passed this, and all of our children can begin the healing process...again. This will not go away on its own…

I may not be the best guy you’ll ever find HerName. My children may not be the best children you’ll ever find with a guy. But I guarantee you this, we are certainly not the worst that you will find. There are plenty worse out there than me and my children, plenty and I can tell you stories of them (from the guy’s side looking for women)…

It’s now 2am, I will be on IM when I get to work if you choose to talk to me.

I love you,

MyName

--IM Convo from this morning--

MyName: yanno... you say that you got mad because I didn't correct MyGirl2 last night yet got on HerBoy2, but how many times have you sat on the couch when I stood in the girls doorway at 8pm hearing me tell them to "hurry the fuck up"? I do it regularly... How many times have we sat on the couch together yelling at them to "hurry the fuck up"? I do it regularly... I do it EVERY time I know that they're dragging their ass on getting to bed
MyName: I'm sorry that I missed it last night, but rather than stew over it, and think that I'm being unfair to your children and mine are getting away with murder.. how about remembering back to all of the times that I DID yell at mine for the exact same thing(s)...
HerName: I could drag shit up from way past to and it would make no difference we are talking about last night and I tried to explain to you why I was upset
MyName: it's not about dragging shit up from the past darling
MyName: but if you're going to evaluate my responsiveness towards disciplining my children, you DO at least have to evaluate it on a "more than one day" period...
MyName: I'm sure if you think about it, you have heard me yelling at them plenty of times to get their ass in bed, in a much stronger manner than I do with HerBoy2
MyName: THAT's the point
MyName: It's not like I never get on my kids asses to get into bed on time... sure I missed last night, and for that I'm sorry, but it's not like they're allowed to get away with it
HerName: the point is that you have a different view on how to discipline we had that conversation before
MyName: yes, we do
MyName: but you're not even attempting to see my point here (that I can tell)
MyName: you're all postured and defensive that I'm belittling you or your kids
MyName: that my kids get away with everything and I'm all over yours like white on rice
MyName: when even your very own example; if looked at shows that I'm not that way at all
MyName: and BECAUSE you think I'm all over yours like white on rice
MyName: you defend them for every reason because "MyName is being unfair again"
HerName: no that is not true, it is just that yours and i will have to use their names here to make my point, that there are very different standards and rules for kids
MyName: point out one valid example of that
MyName: I hear you saying it, I've heard you saying it
MyName: but give me ONE valid example
HerName: MyBoy1 has less or no rules and does as he wishes, examples his room it is still not cleaned his clothes have been laying on the floor and under the bed since I asked him to clean it up
HerName: the girls's ass would be beat by now
MyName: yet every time you mention it, I tell him to clean his room...
MyName: he tells me "I did clean my room"
MyName: I tell him "YOU OBIVOUSLY DIDN'T OR WE WOULDN'T BE TELLING YOU TO CLEAN IT AGIN"
HerName: but there is no follow up if I say something it comes back to me that I am on his ass
MyName: and why is there no follow up?
MyName: I can cite the same example
MyName: because when I DO follow up... it's HerBoy2's stuff scattered about
MyName: WHICH by the way, the girls get yelled at more frequently for
MyName: the girls have one item on the floor and their spoken to...
MyName: HerBoy2 has toys scattered about for days, and nothing
HerName: because of their history if i let it go for to long it will be complety trashed
MyName: it can be viewed from both sides as unfair honey
MyName: just like Nostradamus (spelling) prophecies
MyName: they can be warped towards the imagination
HerName: If you want me to be a mother to all of them
MyName: and yes, I agree with their history on the room, which is why I never say anything
MyName: I'm not insisting that you bear the burden of being their mother
HerName: then I need you to trust me
HerName: and I do not get that
MyName: as I need you to trust me too darling
MyName: how can I do that
HerName: I always get that you side with your kids and it undermines my authority
MyName: when all I hear on ANY level is a harsh tone of voice with mine
MyName: and smooth "mommy" voice with yours
MyName: ???
MyName: "Ms. HerName:... can I ride with you to the store?".... "NO"
MyName: Yet there goes HerGirl1 tagging along
HerName: again stuff from way back
MyName: the ONLY time my children are allowed to "tag" along with you is on the way to or from the parking lot
HerName: the girls have been in bed the last two times I took her
MyName: no, not way back darling... current, reoccurring and part of the problem
MyName: I see every little thing just as you see every little thing
MyName: but we don't see our own things
MyName: which is human nature
MyName: but we HAVE to get beyond that if we're going to survive
MyName: THAT is the point of my email
MyName: it wasn't to point out how much of a miserable step mom you are
MyName: or how much of a miserable step dad I am
MyName: you and I both know the problem
MyName: you say that mine get away with murder
MyName: I say that yours get away with murder
MyName: because MY kids are under the microscope by you
MyName: and YOUR kids are under the microscope by me
MyName: respectively, we're both HerName:ient with our own
HerName: lets face it and call it was it is
MyName: because we've known and loved them since birth
MyName: ok
HerName: I have np with caity or MyBoy1
MyName: call it what it is
HerName: the problem we all have and I am talking about the kids and me is MyGirl1
MyName: as I have no problem with HerGirl1
MyName: and MyGirl1 isn't going anywhere and neither is HerBoy2
MyName: so what do we do about it?
HerName: I would never ask or imply that she needs to go
MyName: nor would I
HerName: so why get all mad at me
MyName: just because we know the problem doesn't mean there's no problem
MyName: I'm not all mad at you
MyName: I was for a bit last night, but that letter was not written out of anger
MyName: which is why I asked at the end to read it for what it was intended
HerName: the part of being at your mercy was a nice touch
MyName: I never said anything about you being at my mercy
MyName: never implied it
HerName: I have opened myself up to you to, like you said I promised myself never to be that open to anybody ever again
MyName: and I said I'm sure that you have too
MyName: and I meant that
MyName: I'm sure that you have
HerName: I hate not having a F/T job and to be depend I HATE it
MyName: don't try to pick the email apart and read between the lines dear
MyName: I spent a lot of time constructing and selecting the proper words as to not offend you and make the tone of the email about saving our relationship
HerName: I am stuck and I know MyGirl1 hates me
MyName: not trying to sneak attacks at you in between the lines
MyName: but MyGirl1 DOESN'T hate you
HerName: yes hse does
MyName: she does you no differently than she does me or anybody else that crosses her HerName:h
HerName: I am not an idiot I can feel it with ever fiber of my being
MyName: stop with the comments
MyName: I never said that you were an idiot
MyName: if that's what you feel, then you don't know MyGirl1 well at all
MyName: I've known her since birth
MyName: she does not hate you
MyName: she wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it
MyName: no different than HerBoy2
MyName: the difference IS
HerName: and because I put a stop to it she hates me
MyName: that MyGirl1 thinks that talking shit or running her mouth is the way to get it
MyName: HerName:
MyName: listen to me
MyName: she has been doing this shit since LONG before you came along
MyName: I have been fighting this shit...
MyName: since long before you came along
MyName: YOU (the way she feels towards you) are not the reason for her actions, SHE is
MyName: I KNOW my child, just as you know yours
HerName: and how do we get past that
MyName: well
MyName: getting past all of this is an ongoing effort
HerName: I can't just overlook it it isn't fair to the rest
MyName: just as it is with every new marriage with pre-existing children
HerName: they are coming to me complaining about her
HerName: I bring it up to you
HerName: and it gets dismissed
MyName: no, it doesn't get dismissed
MyName: give me one example of me blatantly dismissing it...
HerName: by me not telling you or telling the kids well it is MyGirl1 let it go
MyName: yanno
MyName: when HerBoy2 does something wrong
MyName: you sit down very patiently with him
MyName: and tell him "now son... you shouldn't do this because...."
MyName: do you not?
HerName: I try to
MyName: and btw, you not telling me or telling the kids to let it go, is not an example of you bringing it up to me and me dismissing it
HerName: I know
MyName: ok, so you try to sit down and tell HerBoy2 patiently why he shouldn't do what he has done wrong
MyName: and when he does it again...?
MyName: you sit down patiently again and tell him the same thing...
HerName: but if I everytime you would hear nothing but "MyGirl1 did this or that"
MyName: ok, one topic at a time or we'll loose one another
MyName: I've made a note of the MyGirl1 side topic so we don't over look it
MyName: ok, so when HerBoy2 continues to screw up, you lovingly and patiently remind him why he shouldn't do it
MyName: over and over
MyName: until he finally understands and corrects himself
MyName: and you do that
HerName: no I yell at him
HerName: not often but yes I do
MyName: well, at times, yes you do yell at him
MyName: I agree
MyName: but for the most part, whether it's talking to or yelling
MyName: you take a non physical method of discipline
MyName: and that's fine
MyName: but as he continues to screw up (example: doing his homework when we had that problem)
MyName: you continue to drill at it patiently to find a way to make him understand
MyName: and that's fine
MyName: but why then is MyGirl1 treated differently?
MyName: why have you given up on her?
HerName: I grounded him from the PC for one month
MyName: yes you did
MyName: I'm not complaining at all
MyName: I'm NOT using what I just said as a way to dig at HerBoy2, so don't be defensive
MyName: I'm using it to say
MyName: You're patient with HerBoy2 because you love him...because he's your child
HerName: at least he is responsive
HerName: I have nothing from MyGirl1 just hateful eyes
MyName: so that makes MyGirl1 a bad child not worthy of your love and HerName:ience?
HerName: and a bunch of shit talk afterwards
MyName: I get the same crap from HerBoy2
MyName: blatant lies and ignoring me
MyName: do I give up on him?
MyName: or do I try different approaches?
MyName: it would be very easy for me to give up on HerBoy2
MyName: he's not my child after all
MyName: I don’t "have" to love him
MyName: but I choose NOT to
MyName: because I want us all to be a family
MyName: and I can't love you and HerGirl1 and not HerBoy2
MyName: he deserves better than that
MyName: and so does MyGirl1
MyName: btw "but I choose NOT to" is in regards to choosing NOT to give up on him
MyName: even if it means me banging my head against the wall
MyName: fussing and cussing and chain smoking cigarettes
MyName: because he won’t' stop doing the things that I hate...
MyName: I have chosen NOT to give up on him, because giving up on him is giving up on you
MyName: I see every little thing that he does wrong, where you see partial things because you have HerName:ience and understanding with him because he's your child
MyName: just as you see every little thing that MyGirl1 does wrong
MyName: while I see partial things because I have patience and understanding with her...because she's my child
HerName: I don't see it I hear the complains from the kids
MyName: whatever the method
MyName: HerBoy2 is no angel either
HerName: i know
HerName: none of the kids are
MyName: just this morning MyGirl2 asked him for the brush out of the bathroom and he slam'ed the door in her face
MyName: so we "could" go tit for tat
MyName: but we don't need to
MyName: the do all have issues
MyName: we know that
MyName: I'm just saying that you see my kids issues more clearly because you're not their mother and naturally have less patience and understanding
MyName: just as I see your kids issues more clearly for the same reasons
MyName: bottom line, "giving up" on any of them means suicide for our relationship
MyName: and "I choose US" LOL (tasteless quote from movie “The family man”)
HerName: have you ever thought that MyGirl1 is craving attention from you and she is doing all this shit to get your attention even if it is negetive attention
MyName: sweetheart
MyName: you're still assuming that this is all new to me
MyName: that I'm unfamiliar with my daughter
HerName: you said she just moved back
MyName: that doesn't mean that I don't know her
HerName: how am I to know how well you do or do not know her
MyName: she's been living with me since a year before you moved in
MyName: and came up for the summers before that
MyName: I KNOW my daughter
MyName: you should give me the same benefit of the doubt as I do you when you tell me you know yours
MyName: she's my daughter
HerName: mine have been living with me
MyName: that was in response to your question btw
MyName: and MyGirl1s "issues" are no small hard to spot thing either
MyName: it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that she has these issues darling
MyName: I'm a smart guy, even though you don't think so when it comes to this
MyName: I told you when we first started talking
MyName: that I study the human psyche
MyName: that I see every little thing they do and analyze it
HerName: ok
MyName: every body movement and everything
HerName: I was just trying to help you out
MyName: I know babe
MyName: but we're beyond figuring out the reason
MyName: we both know that it's for attention
HerName: sometimes people in relationships do not see things like people on the outside
HerName: no biggie
MyName: yes, I know
MyName: I assure you though, my eyes aren't closed because they're my kids
MyName: I may let one of them slide from time to time on select items, just as I do with yours
MyName: but that doesn't mean I don't see them for what they are
MyName: and again, I'll tell you that MyGirl1 is a bitch with her chosen attitudes
MyName: and if she continues on this path
MyName: she's going to be a lonely 250lb bitch of a woman who blames the world for her own misfortune and misery
MyName: and that is fact
MyName: but imagine what would happen if I gave up on her?
MyName: and yes, I know you haven't implied or asked that
MyName: but imagine what would happen
MyName: she doesn't get her discipline from her mother or her grandmother
MyName: I am the only chance that she has
MyName: I just need to find a way through
MyName: and you giving up on her and being super critical of every move she makes
MyName: doesn't make things any easier on the process or me
MyName: it makes things 10 times harder
MyName: because now I have to add your feelings of dislike for her into the mix
HerName: do you recall how upset and defensive you were when HerBoy2 made city cry over at your moms
HerName: caity
MyName: of course
MyName: because he physically hit her
MyName: not because he made her cry
HerName: that's how I feel everytime when MyGirl1 hurts my kids's feeling
MyName: no boy should hit a woman or girl
HerName: with her snide remarks
MyName: I wasn't upset at HerBoy2 because he was upset at caity
MyName: I was upset at HerBoy2 because I don't want HerBoy2 to grow up thinking it's ok to hit girls
MyName: and yes, when it perpetuated, my frustration with him grew
MyName: but I didn't give up on him
MyName: ok
MyName: let’s look at your last statement
MyName: HerName: that's how I feel everytime when MyGirl1 hurts my kids's feeling
MyName: let me ask you this
MyName: do you think that your son is stupid?
MyName: and no, I'm not calling him stupid
HerName: no of course I don't
MyName: or course not
HerName: I was going to say
HerName: that's the reason why I emotionally detached myself from MyGirl1
MyName: but you surely realize that there are MANY times (not all or probably not the majority) that it's HerBoy2 that starts shit
MyName: and then turns around and uses your feelings towards MyGirl1
MyName: by blaming her for something
MyName: and then you blindly admonish MyGirl1 for something that he himself started
MyName: ??
MyName: I know he does that... because I've seen it, several times
MyName: same thing that I asked in the email
MyName: you just told me the other day how you had to correct HerGirl1 about her attitude towards HerBoy2
MyName: can you honestly sit here and tell me that she's never done that towards MyGirl1 or the caity?
MyName: and it's not about citing examples
MyName: I'm trying to get you to understand
MyName: I feel the same as you about my kids
HerName: she did not say anything mean
MyName: I feel upset, confused, sad and angry when I see mine upset by you or yours
MyName: I'm not saying she did
HerName: she was implying that he should know what is going to happen in boy scouts
MyName: nor am I saying she's bad because of it
MyName: that's typical for a teenager
MyName: you don't need to defend her
MyName: what I'm saying IS that teenagers will be teenagers
MyName: there will be and is times when HerGirl1 is snotty to HerBoy2
MyName: just as there was times when HerBoy1 was snotty to HerGirl1 or HerBoy2
MyName: no difference
HerName: I have a very tight leash on my daughter and when I see her her doing something that I do not apprpve on I talk to her
MyName: and there will be times when HerGirl1 is snotty to any of mine
MyName: oh and I don't?
HerName: who is defensive now
HerName: did I imply anywhere that you don't
HerName: I was merely stating that I do correct my child if I see something or hear of it
MyName: I'm not defensive at all
MyName: one second, phone... sorry, but I am at work
MyName: anyway, I'm not defensive at all
HerName: going back so you are telling me that my son at the age of 9 is the master mind in getting MyGirl1 in all the trouble
MyName: not at all
MyName: not even close
MyName: all I'm getting at with that
MyName: is that "sometimes" it's not simply all MyGirl1s doing
MyName: and I believe I also said, that it "may" be MyGirl1's doing, but "there are MANY times (not all or probably not the majority) that it's HerBoy2 that starts shit"
MyName: this is another example of you being defensive because you think I'm just out to blindly defend mine and point fingers at yours
MyName: the point being, that at the point where we're at now, every time HerBoy2 accuses MyGirl1 of something, it's just automatically MyGirl1s fault, even though "sometimes" it's HerBoy2 who started the trouble... (sometimes)
MyName: and that's likely MyGirl1's own doing
MyName: because of the trouble that she DOES cause
MyName: but that doesn't make it right by any standards
MyName: that was the same point I was trying to make with regards to HerGirl1 being a "teenage girl"
MyName: why I referenced HerBoy1
MyName: that's what siblings do...
MyName: they get grumpy with one another
MyName: just as I said, you can't sit here and tell me that HerGirl1 has never been a typical "teenage girl" and been grumpy with the girls
MyName: and then came and complained to you that the girls were on her nerves
MyName: there are two sides to EVERY story, even if one of the sides aren't as clearly visible... there are still two sides
MyName: and no, I'm not making blanket excuses for my children
MyName: I'm simply saying that "not everything" that goes on around our house is "MyName's bad kids"
HerName: i never referred to bad kids
MyName: yet... I rarely hear the words.. "I had to get on HerGirl1 because she said this or that to MyGirl2"
MyName: or "HerBoy2 was being mean to MyGirl2"
MyName: I'm not saying that you did honey... those were just chosen to make a statement
HerName: I thought we had this discussion before also
MyName: we have
MyName: and the situation has not changed... has it?
MyName: have you become more patient with my "kids being kids"?
HerName: I explained to you that i took care of it and that's the end of it
MyName: again, you're being defensive
MyName: I'm not citing any one example
HerName: I am talking to you about yours so that you can take care of it however you feel fit
MyName: I'm NOT trying to go tit for tat here
MyName: I'm saying that they ALL should be treated with patience and compassion
MyName: oic
MyName: so I'm the only one who needs to make adjustments?
HerName: you are reading in bedtween the lines
HerName: not at all
MyName: no, I'm reading what you wrote quite clearly
MyName: HerName: I am talking to you about yours so that you can take care of it however you feel fit
HerName: in regards to your statement on
HerName: I explained to you that i took care of it and that's the end of it
HerName: I am not saying anything at all about you needing to adjust
MyName: and you're still talking with regards to one single incident
MyName: that of which, I have no exact idea what it is
MyName: and not where I am at all
HerName: yes and you are jumping down my throaght aver nothing
MyName: ok, whatever
MyName: you're clearly not following what I'm trying to do at all
MyName: you're looking at every single thing I type
HerName: yes I am
MyName: and thinking that I'm coming down on you for "this" and "that"
MyName: ok
HerName: but you are not really giving me anything other then that I am doing it wrong
MyName: what is the incident that you're addressing?
MyName: I'm not?
MyName: I spent the last hour explaining examples
HerName: no you are not
HerName: yes you are
HerName: but we are not coming to any conclusions
MyName: cause you're refusing to see my point of view
HerName: what I am hearing is that you want me to be more linient with MyGirl1
MyName: you're still feeling defensive and addressing individual instances
HerName: and be nice to her when she is mean to the kids
HerName: that's what i am reading
MyName: not at all
MyName: you're "never" nice to her... even when she's not doing anything wrong
MyName: your voice is ALWAYS abrupt, to the point and no affection
MyName: "move the towels"
MyName: "do this"
MyName: "don't do that"
MyName: but even THAT is not the point I'm getting at
MyName: the point is (again)
MyName: that your kids fuck up just as much as mine do
MyName: you are patient and understanding with ALL of them
MyName: and not so patient and understanding with MINE when they fuck up
MyName: I've been citing examples, just to simply try and get you to understand
MyName: I've comprised that email just to simply try and get you to understand
MyName: that ALL of the kids have "issues" that are slightly different
MyName: you have "more" issues with MyGirl1 than the others... fine
MyName: I have "more" issues with HerBoy2 than HerGirl1... fine
MyName: but we can't just "give up" on them
MyName: THAT is my point (again)
MyName: NOT, "oh HerBoy2 did this or HerGirl1 did that"
MyName: they ALL fuck up!
MyName: yet all I ever hear about or see is how mine fuck up
HerName: well I can't help if you see how they fuck up that's on them I have nothing to do with that
HerName: but I will stop saying anything negetive about your kids
MyName: I have no idea what that comment means
MyName: masking the problem doesn't correct the problem
MyName: it only makes it worse
MyName: and if it gets much worse, I will end this
MyName: the point being (in that last statement), is that I won't let his relationship spiral down to the point where you, I and all of the children are miserable
MyName: I really wish that you would have read that email with an open mind to actually hear what I was saying

-Approximately Two hours later-

HerName: I have read the e-mail 3 times
HerName: we were dating at the time the cell phone was givin to HerBoy2
HerName: I have been very thankful for you to take over the bills
HerName: I also have been with little amount of money that I do have contributed to the household
HerName: and I have been looking for a job took a job
HerName: to help out
HerName: I would like for this marriage to work
HerName: leaving without saying goodbye this morning was not cool I did say good morning to you this morning all I got was a grunt......I hope you will be more approachable this evening.....you have distant yourself from me for a while now let me know where you want this realtionship to go other then telling me that you want to end it.......
HerName: I love you
HerName: bye
MyName: If I wanted this relationship to end, I wouldn't be putting out an effort to save it
MyName: I do love you, more than anyone I've ever loved before