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I hate Blending!

Jsmom's picture

Well only one major skirmish with SD this weekend. She got mouthy to her dad and got sent to her room. She yelled at me on the way out. So I went into her room before I left for the morning and basically went off on her. Long conversation about respect and how she treats me and her Dad. I gave advice that she needed. "Walk away when we frustrate you, because if you continue to stand there and argue, that is when you get in trouble." I told her she could think whatever she wants about my rules, just leave the thoughts in your head. Don't verbalize them. She said I had too many rules and they pile up and she wants to go live with Mom because she has less rules. Well Duh!!! I tried to explain that making your bed and eating breakfast are not really rules, they are a way of life. They seem like rules to you, because you never had them. She said I start with putting the shoes in the laundry room when they come in and it goes from there. We went step by step as to what the rules are, put away your clean clothes and put away your backpack when your homework is done. Set the table (brother clears). That is it. I am not unreasonable, but their are 5 people living in this house and we all have to help. I think I got through some. But, it is ridiculous to me that I would have to justify basic rules of living. She acted like there were too many for her to remember.

My skirmish's with her (even after disengaging) seem to have a trickle down effect with my DH. He takes everything so personally and starts attacking me over the littlest things. Usually it gets nasty about my Late husband. He says things and then I say things and it just gets mean. I swear we never had much of an argument, until we started blending these families and all hell broke loose. 9 months that we have been doing this now and I feel like we are not getting any better.

Comments

Amazed's picture

It takes time...and lots of liquor on weekends.

I've found no matter what my input is or how sugary sweet I say things...if it's in regard to SD and something she is doing that is less than angelic or perfect my DH 99% of the time goes off on me as though I'm a monster hunting his precious little fawn.

Since their are 5 people in your house...print those expectations and post them on the fridge...that way they aren't specific "gripes" about SD...they're simply expectations aimed at everyone in the family. If that doesn't work, you can always bust out the flashcards and crayola to your DH and SD explaining to them you are not the enemy just because you would like your home to run in a clean,organized fashion.

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

Jsmom's picture

Appreciate the advice - I have printed a list - good suggestion. After typing it and realizing that there are only ten things on there, I am pissed. She and him make me feel like I am too demanding. My son has had these rules his entire life and he is fine. He makes his bed without being told. He eats breakfast. These are not tough.
I am sure I will get backlash for the list.

Amazed's picture

well...in the event of backlash just remind them it's for everyone including yourself. Think of it as a home manual...we don't do anything anymore without an instructional guide...why should this be any different? You aren't trying to demand things...you're simply making sure everyone knows what's expected of them so things will run smoothly.

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

Jsmom's picture

I suggested the list of rules and actually compiled it. DH refused to let me put it up. Gave my valid argument. He said if I did something and put it up he would take it down. I tried to explain that this would eliminate one child feeling like the rules are not clarified. There were only 10 on there. Basic stuff. Make your bed - eat breakfast - put away clothes when they are folded. Easy stuff. I am framing the list and putting it up in the laundry room. He wants to challenge me on this. We'll see. Why does he have to challenge this, when he says there are too many rules, and I am just trying to clarify it for everyone. Because then he will have to make them actually abide by them.

Amazed's picture

Ugh...he's pissing me off. Sorry. He just is being so obtuse about this whole thing. Why wouldn't he want to make your job easier? Does he like seeing you in a bad position??? If he loves you he will support you in making the FAMILY HOME RUN SMOOTHLY!

I just hate the words and actions of obtuse people...uncompromising people...people unwilling to try a new way of living just because they're afraid. UGH...

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

bearcub25's picture

<<>>

That is where I would draw the line. My BF and late DH and I had been friends for 20 years. Believe me, my DH had faults and problems but they do not extend to the present day. BF doesn't have to deal with another man calling me whenever the mood strike to chat, doesn't have to deal with someone else screwing with my kids, he doesn't have to deal period...he is lucky.

Oh and even though my kids are adults, he doesn't have to help parent them b/c I do a pretty good fucking job of it. I may ask his opinion but he usually says I do pretty good w/o it.